Are you using social media to connect with joy, or fear?

 As I scroll through my social media accounts, I notice that the joy is slowly being drained out of me, and replaced with fear, and anger. There are countless causes and tragedies which desperately need our attention. As I started to realize what was happening, I decided it was important to focus on positive changes, instead of getting gridlocked into the negativity. Why do we, as a human race, want to focus on the negative so much? Are we steeped in fear from the beginning? Perhaps it is time to achieve a balance.

I have long noted a phenomenon which seems to afflict some more than others, I call it being a "news junkie." The one thing these people seem to have in common is a deep seated unhappiness and lack of personal fulfillment. They seem to find satisfaction in the many causes and outrages perpetuated by society, and they scream and argue without really becoming involved on any tangible level. I had a very short dating stint with a man such as this, and he could not go more than a few hours without watching the news. It was an addiction, and one that very quickly interfered with our relationship and ultimately ended it. Even though I agreed with his political views, I just could not stomach the constant barrage of negativity that he seemed to feed off of. There was no balance, and no connection to joy. 

Today, I challenge you to notice if you are becoming sucked into any kind of drama or negativity, and perhaps, make a different choice. It's easy enough to step away from your social media, a text, or the sad videos on YouTube. How can you contribute in a positive way and reverse that flow? I like to donate money (doesn't have to be a lot) to the causes I am most passionate about. If possible, I will help send emails, or post about solutions on my social media. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. 

Connect with your joy and leave the negativity behind!

What happened to the world?

I love myself and others, and I am a caring, compassionate woman. The fact I don’t subscribe to a certain set of religious beliefs is only a small part of who I am, and it certainly doesn't define me as a “problem.” I believe in a God who loves me, and doesn't care that I don’t participate in organized religion. Many have been deemed by religious groups as “bad” and “sinful,” but are just hurting and in need of a non-judgmental hand to help them out of their own anger and self-hatred, much as I did. Judging others and telling them they are “bad” is not helpful. In fact, it drives people to hate themselves, and, in time, they stop caring about others, too. The world is hurting, and it is NOT because they aren't all sitting in the pews of the church. It is because we have judged and blamed each other to the point where no one is really taking responsibly for their own behavior any more. 

Many are in transition at this time on the planet, and we need to be compassionate with each other, and ourselves, during this time. To me, it feels like "waves" of energy, washing over me, sometimes big, sometimes small, sometimes intense, sometimes mellow. I appreciate it all as a part of the human experience. When you have a great day, appreciate it and spend time in gratitude. When you are having a tough day, you can remember your last wave with even more appreciation, and know that it will pass, maybe leaving some gifts behind as it goes, in the form of life lessons. If you bury your pain, it will not ever bear the fruit of the lesson. I am not a fan of the expression, "no pain, no gain," but in this case, it is true. The pain is what creates the growth that is needed for you to evolve. Denying it, and numbing it, simply prolongs the inevitable which is your lesson. It will keep coming back until you finally learn what you are meant to learn.

I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing evolving souls in the past few months, and their joy and appreciation for the process has reawakened my own gratitude. Surround yourself with those who you aspire to become, and they will support your process. If you continue to rotate in the same patterns and beliefs which have created your unfulfilled and unhappy life, you will not be able to move out of that space. You have to make different choices to get different results. 

Are you pursuing your passions every day? Ask yourself, "If I could do anything, and be 100% guaranteed of success, what would I do?" The answer is your passion. You may be lucky enough to get your answer right away, or maybe you are even already practicing your passion! For most, it will be a process of asking yourself that question every day for a period of time, to shed the layers of obligation and responsibility which keep most of us hidden from our truth. We hide our passions in layers of unworthiness, doubt, and energetic agreements with others. 

This is YOUR time. Use it wisely. 

Your biggest challenge can be your best teacher

I have lots of dreams, and some of them seem to be more profound than others. I will go through periods of time where I am having prophetic dreams every night, and then I will go for a while where I am having crazy clown dreams. Last night, after attending a workshop where we released and updated behaviorial agreements, I had an extremely profound dream and felt led to share it with you. 

“I am standing in a group of people, outside of a cave, and it is being decided who should go in with me. I feel impatient for them to decide so that I can get inside. There is a sense of urgency and I am not entirely sure why. It is finally decided that my friend Jason will go with me, and we proceed to the entrance, he with trepidation, and me, with a growing sense of urgency. I am practically dragging him with me, as we enter the first tunnel, and make our way along the path. Suddenly, on the right hand side, a platform is illuminated, and there is a tableau playing out for us. We go over and step into the scene, where we are actors, and we are assigned parts to play. The part I am given is that of a little girl, who is beaten down, physically and emotionally, until a kind boy brings me flowers, and that small act of kindness gives me hope. The hope is that not everyone is mean and abusive, and I cling to that hope as I pick myself up and start to smile up at the boy, who is now looking nervous, as people start to yell at him, “What are you doing? Why are you being nice to her? Leave her alone!” He and I laugh, and we run away together, holding hands as only children can do, and we find ourselves in the cave, again as adults. We proceed deeper into the cave, and find more of these opportunities to play actors in various scenes, all of which seem to echo my life experiences in some way. We come upon a bend in the tunnel, and as we round into it, we see a fire beginning to burn toward us. We turn and run, but I keep getting distracted by the various tableaus playing out, and I get singed a few times. Jason is now dragging ME, and we finally make it to the entrance, where we leap out, just in time, and the whole cave is engulfed in flames. We sit and watch it burn itself out, and when it is all done, I go in to survey the damage. What is left is a hollowed out version of the cave. All the platforms are gone, and the fire has left the walls strangely clean and new. I understand that I can now start to rebuild, and I bring my friends in, showing them all the places we can make our own. I feel excited!””

My interpretation of the dream is that all my past traumas have taught me some valuable lessons, but it is time to let all that go and move forward. The fire symbolizes the equalizing of the playing field, and the hollowed out cave represents the new space I am moving into. It is clear, and available for whatever I want it to be. The past few months have shown me a lot of painful memories from the past, and I have spent a lot of time working on forgiveness, for myself as well as others. It is of no use for me to hold on to the trauma of my past, and those who have perpetuated this shame and anger along with me. I am no longer that little girl who was helpless to set boundaries and protect herself. I am a strong, adult woman, who can say NO and make different choices. I don't need the approval of others to move on with my life and stand in my truth.

When you let go of these past traumas, it leaves a big hole. It can feel really overwhelming and uncomfortable, but this is simply the fear of the unknown. New paths are harder to navigate at first, but as you persevere, it will become easier and easier, until it is your new pattern. Isn't it time to release the hold these events and people have on you? When you are "mad" at someone, or allow hurt to dictate your actions and feelings, you have given your power away. You have allowed outside forces to tell you how to act, feel, and be. Creating a new space means taking all this power back and using it to your advantage, and to serve your higher purpose. 

You can run, but you can't hide....from your life lessons

It's 8 a.m. and the neghbor's dog is barking....AGAIN. I went to bed last night with the ringing in my ears, and woke up to the same sound. It makes me want to scream. After 10 years of dealing with this, and having the woman come over and assualt me verbally in front of my 6 year old child, I just have to give this up to a higher power. Lately, I have been asking myself, "What is my lesson here?" There is no logical solution, as I have called animal control countless times, and even been to mediation, where I was assured it would be dealt with. 

I have realized this is a pattern, and it echoes a dynamic in my family situation, where they treat me in a very passive aggressive manner, and as soon as I set a boundary, I am "out of control" and "a problem." I have recently realized that this is also considered socipathic behavior, or "gas lighting."  I moved as far away as I could to escape this dynamic, and guess what? It followed me, and now I have these neighbors who mirror the exact same situation. I created the same set of problems because I still attract that energy. I am a magnet for sociopathic behavior. NOT what I want!

Has this ever happened to you? Do you often wonder why you keep ending up with the same versions of a different relationship? Do you despair that there are "no good men/women out there?" It's all about energy, and what you are attracting. Other energetic beings (dogs, people, etc.) are attracted to what you are projecting, and you all enter into an agreement of sorts, to play these roles in each other's lives. If you can shift your perspective, and neutralize what you are putting out, you can change the entire dynamic. It's easy to blame others and play the role of victim, but this will never get you out of it. You have to change the way you process it in your mind. 

In this case, it has been baby steps, but I am finally to the point where I am not scared of them. I have realized that they are just playing the role that I needed them to so that I could process how I am treated in my family. For a long time, I have been afraid of them, and sought their approval on some level. I am finally realizing that the only approval rating that matters, is my own. When I begin to love myself, these things just "magically" shift all around me. I am not scared to speak up and tell my story, because the threat of having no relationship with them is removed. I ALREADY have no relationship with them; even worse, the relationship causes me pain and drama continually, so why do I even want it? I have bent over backwards to gain their love and approval and been met with nothing but hostility and drama. I am saying ENOUGH. It is time to move into the space of truth and love. I am not angry; rather, I am loving myself and having compassion for them. I do not condone the behavior, but I also do not need to continue to participate in it. My behavior has not been in my truth, and that needs to stop. I can't keep reacting; rather, I have to disengage. And THAT is where I ultimately find my peace. 

Your behavior has to stand alone. When you use other's bad behavior to measure your own, you know you are in a reactive state. Just because they created the drama doesn't mean you have to jump in. One of the most common ways we get sucked in, is defending ourselves. When you start to feel like you have to "prove they are wrong," you are buying a losing ticket. You will NEVER win that one. Believe in yourself and what others think is irrelevant. 

If you would like help in moving the energy that is holding you hostage, reach out! I can help you. Email me for available times and special rates. 

Conquering the demons of weight gain and body issues: one day at a time

Many times, when I sit down to write, I have no idea what is going to come out on the page. It's almost always not what I would expect. Today, I felt the need to write, and I have NO expectations at all. After getting grounded, and taking a few deep breaths, I just sat down and started tapping the keys. 

Growing up, I was the only girl in a family with three older brothers. My mother had her own body image issues, and used to tell me how fat she was all the time. As I became a young woman and my body filled out, normally, my brothers teased me for getting "fat," and my mother's words haunted me in the back of my mind. My thighs looked bigger than all the other girls and I would lament this daily. My hair was straight and blonde, unlike most of my friends, and I was painfully "different." At a time in my life where I was most vulnerable and suceptible to suggestion, I was blasted with invalidation and criticism. Of course, this soon became a full blown eating disorder, and so began my adult life as a woman who was never happy with her weight, hair, skin, etc. I missed so many years where I was beautiful and strong, and healthy, as I look back on photos where I coulod just SEE the unhappiness oozing out of me. I developed a drinking habit, and became "the party girl" in an attempt to numb out of the self hatred. Once again, my family criticized me for this, and constantly told me how much of a bad girl I was. If I were to believe them, I was a horrible person, fat and ugly beyond repair. Yet, ironically enough, I was still attractive enough to be molested multiple times. This became the only form of validation I received, and so, I sought it out. Sex was the only thing that made me feel validated, and the message came back that I was good at it, so I kept doing it. I could ALWAYS get some guy in the sack, and it became who I was for many years. 

Pretty typical of me during that time period. Ironically, I was thin here, but desperately unhappy. 

When I got married, the train slowed down, because I really wanted a family and a chance at a normal life. I went to therapy for many years, and joined an incest survivors group, which helped me to start to process the agony that was the mixed message I grew up with.  I was able to find forgiveness for those who had wronged me, and I desperately wanted to find my happiness, apart from the pain that had defined me for the better part of a decade. I became a mother, and was able to set aside my eating disordered behavior and produce two very healthy and normal children. 

As my children have grown into young men, my younger son is now 13, the age where everything began to fall apart for me. His body is changing and he laments the little belly that he has. It brings up all my own pain at that age, and I am traversing this road right along with him. His father (we are now divorced) tells him he is "getting a little pudgy," and this makes me want to scream. We all have our insecurities abiout our bodies, but that does not mean that we have to pass them along to our children. What if, instead of freaking out when our adolescent child begins to thicken and grow normally, we just encourage them to eat healthy, wear the correct size clothing, and practice daily activity? Or, better yet, what if we model this for them? There is no need to pass along your eating disorder or your self hatred. And, while you are at it, stop with your own negative self talk, espcially in front of your children.  We are literally creating the epidemic of obesity by modeling our dysfunctional body relationship to the younger generation. 

I maintain a healthy lifestyle with daily walks and juicing. It feels good! 

As soon as this all crystallized for me, after speaking with a client who was struggling with the same issues, I decided it is time for me to start loving myself. No more negative self talk, even if it is subconscious or silent. Every day, I start the day by looking in the mirror, and saying, "I love you." I touch all the parts of me that I have hated, and tell them "I love you." The first few times, I cried. It was probably the first time I had ever really given love to myself that way. My body has given me so much joy, and so much pain, but which should I focus on? I can not thrive in pain, I can only create in joy. 

The Anger Trap

Many people have shared with me in recent weeks how they feel totally taken over by anger and fear. This results in many actions, including projecting that towards others. When you find yourself playing  the blame game, it's time to step back and look in the mirror. Most of us were invalidated and teased when we were young and vulnerable. Children are born with a healthy sense of self, but that can quickly be destroyed by well intentioned but damaging parenting practices, and assorted caretakers. It does not serve us to blame our parents, caretakers, or siblings; but, rather, to simply move forward into forgiveness and the freedom that comes with that. 

Forgiveness is not the condoning of actions, it is taking back our power from the situation and not allowing it to affect us any longer. When you are angry with someone, you are giving them control over you, and actually allowing them to dictate your actions and emotions. They are most likely either unaware of your anger, or unaffected. This creates a situation where you are, as one of my favorite sayings goes, "allowing them to live rent free in your head." There are plenty of people for us to be angry with, who have wronged us, and others.  Most of those people are unaware of their crimes, and have their own justifications for their behavior. A person who cuts you off in traffic is likely unaware that your day is now ruined and you will be telling your friends about them later. So, the question is: Why are you allowing that to happen? Do we enjoy being angry? I believe that answer is subjective, but the simple solution is to "let it go." As you learn to let go of these connections to people who are in their own amount of pain, you are then able to really look at your own pain, and begin to release that. Because that is the bottom line, isn't it? 

“ Happy people don’t need to cause pain for others.”

To learn more about the process of shifting this energy and moving into positive empowerment, contact me for a session HERE. The power of positivity is real! 

Are you settling?

Even though you may not want to admit it, you are probably "settling" on some level with something in your life. Settling occurs when you accept something less than what you really want, because you don't believe you can have it. Think about your relationship for a minute. Is it everything you want? Or, have you settled into it, and you're comfortable, so you stay? An easy way to flush this out is to ask yourself, "If I could have anyone, or any relationship, in the world, who would it be with?" If the answer is anyone other than who you are with, you are settling. This may seem harsh, but it is actually kinder to release someone from their obligation to you, than to keep them around, stuck with you in a relationship that isn't their ultimate destiny. We may allow ouselves to get our feelings hurt, and go into fear, but that doesn't have to happen. Your soulmates are out there wandering around, looking for you, and you are wasting time and energy in a situation that does not serve you, or them. It doesn't have to be emotionally damaging to release someone from a relationship with you. Society and old beliefs would have us hating our exes, but this is not how it has to be. Everyone who touches our lives is a valuable part of our journey, and releasing them lovingly is important so that you can learn your lessons. Holding on to bitterness, hurt, or anger, just keeps you stuck, and connected to them. It's a toxic cycle.

View fullsize

The other common form of settling is with your career. Ask yourself, "If I could do anything I wanted to, and be sure that I would succeed, what would that be?" If the answer is anything other than what you are doing, you are not pursuing your passion, or your life purpose. You probably have all kinds of justifications and excuses, like, "I am too old to start a new career." or "I can't make money doing what I want to do," but that is just fear talking. How many people have failed on their way to success? All of them. The difference is, they keep trying, until they succeed, instead of giving up because of a few failed attempts. So many of us have fear about this, and we unintentionally put this fear onto others. We tell ourselves that we are trying to "help" others, but what are we really doing? We are enabling them in their unhappiness, and encouraging them to settle for the "safe" choice. There are no limits except for the ones we set for ourselves. 

View fullsize

What would the world look like if no one settled for anything less than what they truly wanted? I don't even know, but it has to be better than where we are. Depression and mental illness are at an all time high, as is unemployment, and divorce. All these things would start to disappear if we all trusted ourselves and were encouraged to pursue our passions from an early age. There are no dreams to big, or too small. 

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

— Henry David Thoreau

A Total Eclipse of the Heart

I didn't plan to be awake for this lunar eclipse. I didn't really even WANT to be awake right now. But, after 2 hours of tossing and turning, I give up. My soul is speaking to me and I have to listen. There are events transpiring in my life right now that are going to change a lot of things around me. I have lived in shadows of my past for too long, and it has not served me, or anyone else. My life's purpose is knocking very loudly at the door, insistently, and it is not going away. It is intruding upon my sleep and my waking hours equally. Every relationship I forge right now is about this. As I watch the moon being overtaken, I feel a kinship to it. I know what it is like to be overtaken by another. I have felt the total eclipse of myself, by others, by energies, and by my own guilt, shame, and fear. Have I been a victim? Many times. But, I must be honest, I am sure there are many who would say that they were victims of MINE. As with anything, my intention was never to harm anyone. I was only reacting to what had been passed along to me. I feel sure that anything that was done to me, was done in the same vein. And for these transgressions, I forgive them, and I forgive myself. "For they know not what they do," and I believe this with all my heart, soul, and body.

As I begin my emergence, there are many who will be angry with me, and even hate me. For in exposing my shame, theirs will also come to light, and they will have a choice: deal with it, or hate me. Most will choose the easier option, and I have come to a place in my life and my evolution where I accept this as a reality. However; this is why I have kept silent for so long, because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to cause any more pain. But it has become increasingly evident that these people will never forgive themselves, and they are passing their shame along to their children, and I can't deny my truth, or theirs, any longer. It is time.

Above all, we must not lose hope, or faith, or our belief in the greatest gift of all: LOVE. It is only through love that we will emerge victorious and whole.

The Lack Mentality

Recently, I have been thrown into a vortex of self examination. One of the major issues I have been battling is a Lack mentality. This shows itself in many ways, and most of the time it keeps us stuck and unhappy. It's not always about money, as people generally tend to assume. Many times it also manifests itself in relationships, family and otherwise. Someone asked me the other day, "Why do you think women stay in abusive relationships?" It's certainly not a simple answer, but one of the factors is certainly that belief that you can't do better, that, somehow, you deserve this. So, you may ask, how do I get OUT of that mentality? It's not something I can teach you in one blog, but I can share a few things to get the ball rolling. I have been going to the same place to get my hair cut for a number of years, and recently, I started to understand that I was doing this for the wrong reasons. I was rarely happy with the result, but I felt that she "needed" me as a client, and she also "gave me a good deal." Neither of these reasons outweighs the fact that I did not like the result. I was staying stuck in that relationship, and keeping myself in a situation where I was unhappy. The next day, I called and made an appointment with a stylist who I absolutely LOVE, but he is more expensive. I got a GREAT cut, and am very happy with the result. In addition, he asked me to join his professional network, which is in alignment with my passion and purpose! Do I "feel bad" when I have to leave someone behind? Of course, but I also realize that enabling them in their pattern will not do either of us any good. If they wish to become empowered, that is their step to take, but it is important for me to take care of myself and always make the choice that serves my higher self. In this space, I am more equipped to help those who wish to do the same. 

Another way this pattern keeps us stuck is being in familiar territory, also known as a comfort zone. We hang onto relationships that no longer serve us because "we have known them since high school," or whatever the case may be. Sometimes we do this with our family relationships. We stay stuck in the past, never truly seeing them for who they are as adults, and never allowing ourselves to grow out of that dynamic, either. We all know the saying, "If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep manifesting the same results." That is never more true then with this Lack mentality. If you keep hanging out with the same people, who support you in this pattern, you are going to stay stuck.

The other way you can identfy patterns of lack, is that you are living in the future. You say things like, "I can't wait until I have ......," "I'd be happy if I won the lottery,"or, "I can't wait until the weekend, my next vacation, etc." You are living in the future, instead of embracing the present, and creating a life that you enjoy. You are placing your happiness in material things, or money, and ultimately, all the money in the world will not fill that empty space within you. Having said that, money is a necessary evil in our modern world, and it's important to have your basic needs met. I am talking about all the extra "stuff" we collect, the consumerism we participate in, and the shopping addictions. Research has shown that the happiest people are those who have the least (watch the documentary "happy"). They have food, shelter, clothing, and community. They enjoy their families and each other, and no one cares what the others are wearing, driving, or how big their television is. Simplify and watch how your anxieties abate.

Energy work can help you to move these patterns as well, so, if you would like some help, let me know! I am happy to work with adults, as well as young people.

Blessings, Andrea

The Business of Being Busy

You are probably WAY too busy to read this. But that is exactly why you should read it. In this world of convenience, and all sorts of gadgets to "help" us, we are busier than ever!  How did that happen? Isn't all this new technology supposed to make it EASIER? Wasn't the original idea that we would save so much time not having to stand in line, sit in traffic, etc., that we would have more time for our families and passions? Well, THAT didn't happen. When our kids were little, my husband and I decided to move closer to his work, so that we could have more family time. I'll give you three guesses as to how that worked out. Yep, he just spent more time at the office, and it didn't improve our home and family life at all. Your priorities will ALWAYS show themselves in your actions. Think about it: the things that are MOST enjoyable/important to you, are the things you always make time for. If having money is the most important thing to you, you're going to spend as much time as possible working towards that goal. It is the same for anything else. When you meet someone who you enjoy spending time with, you WANT to make time for that, because it benefits you and makes you feel good. The things that you don't consider AS important, fall away naturally. It's the natural order of life.

The tricky part of this whole equation is the wild card: Your issues, or, the stuck energy in your space. If you are stuck in a loop of "Women are crazy," you will keep attracting this pattern, and these types of women. There are many reasons why you would have developed this pattern, but make no mistake here: YOU have created this pattern.  ALL women are NOT crazy. Same with a pattern of "not having enough money." Do you constantly find yourself wanting more? Do you have "bad luck" with money? This is also a pattern you have developed, it's called a pattern of "lack." This is something that may require some really deep soul searching, or energy work, in order to clear.

The other pattern I see with being "busy," is the denial factor. It is really hard to sit in silence, when the silence is deafening. Many of us have thought patterns which are very damaging and painful for us to hear, and so we search for ways to drown these out. This comes out in the way of addictions, and compulsive patterns. When you find yourself being too busy to meet up with your friends, have personal time, or even eat healthy, it's time to look at what you are avoiding. Again, this may be very painful, and I would encourage you to seek help if you really want to address this. Energy work, therapy, or even life coaching, can be very helpful here, as well.

Wishing each and every one of you a blessed, beautiful day! xoxo Andrea

For information on energy healing, or to schedule a session with me, please visit my site.

Releasing fear from the past

In the past week, I have had the privilege of working with some really great young people. I am always moved to tears when I hear about all the stress and fear they have, just in their everyday lives. We all have stress, but often we forget that our kids absorb this and often take it on as their own. Even the most well intentioned of parents can fall into this pattern. We are not born afraid; rather, it is taught to us. We are warned against touching a hot stove, crossing the street without looking, and many other lessons that are for our safety. It stands to reason that we would also look to our parents for guidance on other things. Unfortunately, our human emotions often blur the line between fact and perception, and we are then left to decipher this maze of fear without any reference point.

As parents, we experience many life changes and challenges. We try our best to shield our children from the worst of this, but they still take it on, energetically. Unless we have tools, there is not really any way to prevent this from happening. The energy of our fear is passed along to our children, and the cycle continues. If you had trauma in your life, say, when you were 10, studies have shown that when your children turn that age, you unconsciously relive that trauma. It's like looking in a mirror, and you may find yourself saying things to your child and not even realizing why. You may have little quips about how "people can't be trusted," or some offhand remark that you don't even remember saying. However, your young person absorbs it and files it away as "something to remember." Most of this is unconscious, and, as I tell all my clients, no one is "bad" or "wrong" for doing this. We just need to become aware of it so that we can start to heal it, and, in turn, help our children to heal.

My goal with the work that I am doing, is to help you bring all this into present time so that the whole family can release it and heal. I give you the tools to heal yourself so that you can really take charge of your consciousness and start to create the thing you want for you and your family. All your past traumas are just that: the PAST. Whatever lesson you learned from your experiences will always be a part of you, but the trauma itself can be released.

I am offering many discounts and specials to start off the school year, so email me if you are interested in a session for you or your young person. Remember, all my sessions are offered as a phone call, or Skype call. You do not have to be local to receive the benefits of an energy reading.

In Love and Light! Andrea

Say WHAT??????

In the book, "The Four Agreements," the author lists making assumptions as one of the things we do to defeat ourselves and others. For a long time, I thought this only applied to my personal revelations, but, recently, I have noticed an alarming trend: Assuming you know what others are going through. This morning, on my daily beach walk, I was humming along happily, when I heard a voice on my left. "Consistence and persistence is key! You have to just keep working at it!" I turned to see a little old man smiling up at me with yellowed and crooked teeth. I nodded, somewhat confused as to what he was trying to encourage me about. I thought that maybe he has seen me walking every day for the past year and wanted to give me a verbal high five for losing the weight and getting into shape. He continued, "I gained 30 pounds last year and decided to start walking every day, and lost it soon after! You will get there too!" A moment went by and I realized he was ASSUMING that I had just started my walking regimen and wanted to lose weight!!!!!! Wow.  I didn't hear much else that he said, as I was speechless and hurt. As he happily bopped away, he was probably thinking to himself, "I just helped that girl! I'm such a great person!"  Meanwhile, in my world, the tears are starting to form behind my eyes. Here I was going along thinking that I was doing so well, and now it all crashed down on me. But wait......... I took a breath and realized that this man, as well intentioned as he thought he was, did not matter ONE BIT in my opinion of myself. In fact, as I watched him hobble away, I took note of the fact that he was older than dirt, and probably grew up in the era where being thin was a woman's only goal in life. It's not HIS fault that society drilled that into our heads back then. He was honestly trying to be nice, and let me tell you:  I will TAKE THAT!!! What others may or may not think of me is ever changing, depending on the perception. Just yesterday I was approached by a total stranger and told how beautiful I am. What's the difference between today and yesterday? NOTHING. It's simply perception. And MY perception is all that truly matters.

There are always going to be people who think you are fat, unattractive, unsuccessful, or whatever your sore spot about yourself is. But in the end, YOU are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror, and YOU are the only one who's opinion matters. If you are confident in your assets, no one can dissuade you from that perception.

Please do not assume that you know what others are going through. It's likely that you do not. If you feel the need to offer someone encouragement, or help, perhaps phrasing it in the form of a question can be more proactive. "How long have you been walking?" would have helped to avoid the situation this morning. Offering unsolicited advice and "help" is generally not something I do, simply because I find that most often, it is unwelcome and end up being offensive. So check yourself next time you feel the "need" to offer some poor soul your help. You have no idea what they are really going through, and making assumptions is likely to hurt them much more than you could imagine.

Are you Focusing TOO MUCH on the Positive?

I am hearing a lot about this concept, "focusing on the positive." In fact, it has become annoyingly overused and misunderstood. I had an ex who used to say this to get out of taking responsibilty for his various misdeeds. "Andrea, you are being negative. Focusing on what I did wrong is unhealthy for you." Never mind that "what he did wrong" was "cheating on me." Somehow, I was at fault because I was being negative? Twisted logic and twisted people have made this their mantra, and I am calling an end to it. Sometimes things ARE negative, and it's time we stop using our spiritual vocabulary to weasel out of our lessons. My ex is long gone, but I still hear people misusing this phrase all over the place.

The other day I saw an interesting quote (my apologies as I can not remember who said it, or I would give them proper credit!): "Focusing only on the positive causes you to miss a lot of things." I agree with this 100%. Sometimes we need to recognize when we have made a bad choice, and hurt other people. I guarantee you, if you don't, karma will hunt you down, there is no hiding. I used to be a very different person, 5 years ago. I made some really bad choices, and, as a result, people were hurt. I am STILL paying my karmic debt for this, and each time it comes up, it is easier and easier to really roll with it, and understand that I have to take responsibility for what I did, EVEN THOUGH I am different now. A mistake that hurts people still deserves an apology. Just because you "didn't mean to do it," or "it was an accident," or even "I was drunk," does not change the fact that you DID IT.

If you find yourself constantly having to apologize, perhaps it is time to start making different choices. I think this is inherent to the process of maturing. Some people may never grow up, and that is completely their problem. But, for those of you who are reading this and recognize that you would like to attract different energy into your life, be aware that you are NEVER a victim. What you reap is ALWAYS what you sow, whether it is immediate, or has delayed consequences. Think about it: When you are having a bad day, everything that happens, and everyone you run into, is in congruence with that energy. On the other hand, when you are having a good day, sending out smiles and happy energy, you are more likey to receive that back. Some days, I have to fake it, but I am extremely aware that when I can separate from that dissapointing news I received, or the barking dog next door, I can leave it behind me much more quickly than if I marinate in it, and let it fester in my mind. The more you become aware of what you are putting out there, the easier it will be to put out "good vibes," and become conscious of your own behavior. You CAN break the pattern!

Having said all that, it IS important to find a balance between being delusional, and sabotaging yourself. As with many theories and spiritual concepts, taking it the the extreme on either end is unhealthy, and ultimately, not going to get you what you really want. Changing thoughts and intentions from negative to positive is a good shift for most of us.

If you would like some assistance or need help with a specific issue, email me for your FREE consultation! Blessings to you on this beautiful day!

Parenting through depression

I have personal experience with depression, and it is a crippling illness which is also very easily passed along to your children. It becomes a way of life, and sometimes, it is hard to even diagnose, especially if you have had it for a long time. Depressed children grow into depressed adults, and, eventually, emerge as angry, bitter, and lonely people. I know this because it happened to me.

I know I was not born depressed, but sometimes it felt that way. I was always in trouble at school, and I went to school in an era where we were paddled by the principal. I got spanked at home, as well, as my parents did not know what to do with my blatant disregard for their rules and boundaries. My adult choices revolved around who I could tolerate (that was a short list), and I cycled through jobs very quickly because I could not control my temper, or deal with customers, much less my coworkers. I had mostly men friends, because I could not connect with women.

Many years later, after a decade of therapy, I understand that I was depressed. It started when I was young, and experienced some trauma, which went unresolved. I began to distrust adults, and cut off communication with my parents. I cried almost every day, and would sometimes burst into tears for no reason at all. I was labeled "emotional" and a "hypochondriac," and mostly just "rebellious." I used illness to isolate myself, as I did not know how to dig myself out of the pain. As a teen, I used drinking and partying to dull the pain, and it was all I knew for a long time.

My marriage and subsequent births of my two sons brought this all to a screeching halt, and my depression resurfaced with a vengeance. I became desperately unhappy, yet I still had these two sons who needed me to be a strong, healthy adult. I began to realize that I was spending so much time trying to run from the depression, that I was not taking any time to actually get underneath it. Here are a few things that really helped me to reverse my depression and start my road to recovery.

1) Exercise:  I know, this has become a dirty word, there are so many people with extreme views of this; it has become abused and overused. But, I am not talking about hiring a personal trainer and spending a gazillion dollars on gym memberships and equipment. Find something that you ENJOY, that you can easily incorporate into your daily routine. I like to walk, and I happen to live within driving distance of a lovely beach. Parks and lakes are also wonderful for walking. You might enjoy bike riding, or skating, or swimming. It is important to get in touch with your body, and do something that gets you off the couch for a little bit every day.

2) Diet: Another really hot topic, but, again, I am not talking about anything extreme. Just eat food that makes you feel good. My personal experience is that a bag of chips, some candy, and copious amounts of coffee/soda, makes me feel like my guts are going to fall out. I have learned which foods fuel my body in a way that makes me happy. It is not about being a certain weight or adopting an extreme eating plan. Eat to nourish yourself. Food is fuel. Enjoy it!

3) Personal Time: This is VITAL to your sanity. Taking the time to quiet your mind, and just breathe, is something we have lost, as a society. I enjoy meditation, and this often leads to frequent bouts of daydreaming:) Many people enjoy a candlelit bath, or even a leisurely walk alone. Looking inward, relaxing into your true essence, nourishes your soul. If you find yourself angry a lot, look at what is underneath that. YOU are the common factor in every situation in your life. YOU are the one who can change the direction of your thoughts. It takes time, and practice, but, with the proper information and support, you can slowly start to shift your thinking, and create things which are more positive, and even (dare I say it?) FUN!

4) FUN! Find something that brings you joy, and try to do it as much as possible. Laughter truly is the best medicine. For a time, you may want to refuse to watch heavy, dramatic movies, or read books which are sad and depressing. You must cull this energy from your life, so that you can start to recognize and welcome in that happy energy, which has been missing from your life for so long. Personally, I gave up watching CNN and cable news, simply because I found it to be too heavy. I enjoy being a part of the solution, rather than a spectator to endless tragedies. I am on several mailing lists for grassroots movements, and I give to the local homeless shelter on a regular basis. This is a proactive space for me, and I can find happiness in helping others.

You may wonder what any of this has to do with parenting. I have found that happy moms and dads, make happy children. If you can shift your own patterns, your children will benefit greatly, and you may be able to help them avoid falling into the depression trap themselves. My sons tell me that I am much happier than I was 10 years ago, and I am pleased that they have noticed. I still have days where I struggle, but for the most part, I am positive and happy.

If you need more help, we can schedule an individual intuitive counseling session, where I will help you find where this energy is stuck for you, and start to work on making some positive shifts. I look forward to hearing from you!

Happy Summer Solstice!

I am fortunate enough to live in the land of "endless summer," but we still pretend we have seasons. Meaning, it is still "winter" when it is 70 degrees on Christmas Day. So, in celebration of the "official" start of summer, I will post some photos that bear a remarkable resemblance to the "winter" photos that I posted in January. Humor me:)

The main thing that most kids enjoy about summer, is NO SCHOOL! Parents, not so much. This means double the work for us, and more sibling disputes to settle. My sons are already testing my patience. I may need to send for reinforcements! .........I wonder if that sleep away camp still has spots open?

In any event, the season is upon us, and even though this means my precious beach will be more crowded (isn't it my own personal sanctuary?), I do enjoy seeing all the kids enjoying themselves, and the happiness is palpable in the air.......most of the time.

Happy Summer, and my blog will return next week! xoxoxo

Are you a people pleaser?

I saw a quote the other day, "Leave people happy to have had contact with you," or something like that. I thought about it, and realized that is definitely NOT my goal. My goal is to set boundaries and stand up for what I think is right. There seems to be a fine line between being "nice," versus being a "doormat." Every situation is different, but, as a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you, being "nice" will eventually leave YOU feeling unhappy and resentful. This is because there are so many people out there who have structured their lives around taking what they can get from others.  Now, you may think this is negative, but I do not see it that way.

When I lived my life in servitude of others, I felt like I was "a good person." But I was also miserable and angry inside. Others may have thought I was "nice," but I hated myself, and became clinically depressed. It took me years to understand how to set boundaries and find my own happiness. I have been called some names in the recent past, which are the opposite of "nice," but I no longer live my life to please everyone but myself. Some might call this "selfish," and that's ok. I don't think being selfish is so bad, if it means I don't have to live under the weight of what everyone else thinks of me. It's an acceptable result if I am happy inside, and am really in touch with what fulfills me on a deep level. The people who I want in my life, are the people who appreciate that, and are not looking for me to help them, heal them, or otherwise fix their lives for them.

The unexpected result of this metamorphisis has been that I actually WANT to help others now. It comes from a place of happiness and love, as opposed to duty and obligation. Others will tell you that being selfish makes you miserable, but they are likley the ones who need you to heal them in some way, and they are desperately trying to keep you on the hook for their happiness. Imagine what would happen if we all actually took 100% responsibility for who we are inside, and the choices we have made? What a wonderful world that would be.

If you are struggling with some "people pleaser" issues, shoot me an email. I can help you! And yes, I do see the irony in that:)

Are you being honest with yourself?

I recently heard a quote that sums it all up for me: "If everyone around you is an idiot, YOU are the idiot." I love this and, even though it is slightly on the negative side, it pulls no punches in letting you know to look in the mirror to solve your problems. I hear a lot of people talking about how "stupid" other people are, whether it be bad driving, work issues, or personal dramas. The amazing part about these people is that they have really convinced themselves that THEY are the only people on the planet who are smart, savvy, or <insert the opposite of your gripe about others>.

Think about the last time you were in a really good mood. Did you feel somewhat invincible? Did you find that other people's behavior did not bother you as much? Then think about the last really bad day you had. EVERYTHING bothered you, and you likely snapped at more than one person for, basically, existing. When you are happy, you exude happiness; therefore, you attract it. People respond to what you are projecting, and that is the best mirror in the world.

This morning, on my walk, I encountered many obstacles. At first, I was annoyed at the group of people who were blocking 3/4 of the path, or the lady who was on the phone and not watching her child, who skated into my ankle. But I realized that I could look at it from several different perspectives, and soon I was able to let it go and even make a joke out of it. They were "wrong" and "inconsiderate" but what was the point of me getting upset about that? They would not change their behavior, and I would waste a bunch of energy being mad, to no end. Instead, I focused on the positive things, and had a lovely exchange with a man walking 8 dogs, asking him "What is your maximum number of dogs to walk?" His reply, "I think this is it!" And we both laughed, wishing each other a great day. It's easy to focus on who is "right" (always ME!) and who is "wrong" (always those other idiots!), but obviously, that is not the path to happiness.

If you are truly being honest with yourself, you will see that YOU are the source of all your moods, and you are choosing what to focus on, whether it be happiness, anger, sadness, or confusion. Yes, we all have emotions, and it is important to honor them, but wallowing in negativity will get you nowhere FAST. Forcing your opinion of what is "right" on others, is not being honest with them. That's called "judging," and it's just another way to give away your happiness.

The road more (or less) traveled

Yes, this is going to be one of those "analogy blogs," and I make no apologies for it:) If you are a regular reader, you know I like analogies, and I especially enjoy spinning the old cliches into new twists. The old, "it's the journey that matters, not the destination," and, "life is a highway," are just a couple that immediately come to mind. I am sure you have heard both of those, perhaps to the point where you roll your eyes when you hear them. Often, cliches are where sound advice goes to die. They are good messages, but when they are used erroneously, they can actually be invalidating. It's a good way to avoid listening to your friend complain for the 100th time about her troubles, and an alternative to really challenging her to solve her problems, as opposed to staying in a cycle of discontent. Saying "life is a journey," and cutting her off, is much easier for you, but certainly not validating for her.

We are having record heat out here in Los Angeles, and yesterday my son and I decided to go to the beach, in an attempt to cool down. After the difficult task of finding parking, we started to make our way down to the water's edge. The sand felt like hot coals, and, even though we moved quickly, I ended up with blisters on my feet. However; the reward of the bracingly cool ocean water proved to be well worth it.

The same can be said for our life path. Often, it is painful and difficult, but we are aware that the reward is waiting for us, so we push onward. Sometimes, we go back to "cooler sands," but, in the end, the promise of fulfillment lures us out of our comfort zone, and we, again, brave the pain and the discomfort. It is human nature to avoid pain, for this is a survival mechanism, in it's most basic form. However; we must weigh the pros and cons of staying where we are, versus where we want to be, to make a decision from our higher consciousness.

If you are struggling with unhappiness, or confusion, let me help you gain some clarity! I am offering very special low pricing right now, to new clients. Send me an email at happiness@andreagarst.com to get started today!