Week Two: getting to know ME

It's interesting what happens when you make a decision to do something that is REALLY uncomfortable, without resorting to any coping strategies. At first, it truly feels horrific, but then, as you move through the discomfort, you start to find little treasures and gems of knowledge. This past week has challenged me to reach further into myself than ever before, to really connect with my inner happiness. At first, it was a little bud of growth, but then, it became stronger, and I was able to connect with it, no matter what else was happening. Without the need for anyone else's approval, I became very confident in all my decisions, and was able to move forward on some projects that I had been putting off for quite some time. Without the obsessive energy of worrying constantly about Jason, and what he is or is not doing, I am truly FREE to focus on myself, and simply enjoy the moments when we do connect. The first day that I felt truly happy for the first time, he called me. It was our first conversation in weeks, and it felt easy and light. He said my energy had shifted so much, that I was almost a different person. Funny how that works, when you stop NEEDING validation, here it comes. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, and it is easy and uncomplicated. We are friends, and that is all...for now. 

My 14 year old son, Sam, who is wise beyond his years, gave me the best advice the other day. He said, "Mom, don't try to cross that bridge with Jason again, it is burned. You have to wait until another one is built before you can cross it, or you will just fall into the water again." BAM!  We are each on our own side of the river, working on our side of the bridge, and one day, we will meet in the middle, but not yet. We both have work to do, and it is probably the most important work we will ever do for ourselves.  Neither of us wants to repeat any of our failed relationships, or the one we had together. We both learned so much and helped each other a lot, but it needed to be completely burned so that it can be rebuilt, with new materials, and span a different section of the river. We will both find our own individual happiness and will be able to reconnect in a new space. I am impatient, but excited. 

I discovered a magical place to meditate and hike. I call this: "building a bridge to a castle".

I am enjoying the great outdoors, and rediscovering what I like, without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. I have many friends who are supporting me and loving me through this very important time. I am grateful beyond measure for my tribe! One of my regular walking partners is a beautiful soul named Bonnie. She is the kind of friend who will sing along with the music in the restaurant, is always up for a walk, and one of the most positive, loving people I have ever met. On our walk yesterday,  she invited me to a park that I have not been to since I was a teenager. As soon as we drove up, I saw the city pool and had a flash of a memory that I had been trying to block out. As an 18 year old girl, I used to go to this pool frequently, to sunbathe, and swim, in the heat of the summer. I became friends with the staff, and they invited me to a party one weekend. At the party, one of the lifeguards invited me to his house for an "after-party." He said his roommate would be there, who I thought was cute, so I went along. As soon as we got to his house, his roommate was passed out, and there was no one else there. I went to leave, and he grabbed me, threw me in a chair, and duct taped my hands behind my back. I began to cry, and he duct taped my mouth. He wrapped the tape around me so tight that I could hardly breathe, and then proceeded to scream obscenities, spit beer on me, and throw beer cans at me, for hours. I didn't know if he was going to rape me, kill me, or just keep me tied up until his roommate woke up. I was scared for my life, and I finally indicated that I needed to use the bathroom, and he let me up. I bolted for the door, and ran as fast as I could down the street, finally collapsing in a yard, after making sure he didn't follow me. I will never forget his maniacal laughter, as I ran away. He was out of his mind and I was very lucky to have gotten away when I did. You may wonder why I didn't tell someone, call the police, etc, and it is simple, really. After growing up how I did, with no one to protect me, and no one who would even believe me, I trusted NO ONE to help, and accepted it as my lot in life, that I would be hurt by men, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my reality at the time. 

Bonnie suggested that we walk around the perimeter of the pool to create a healing circle for me to release my pain. I agreed, and we began to circle around. When we reached the entrance, they had redone it, and I had never seen it before, BUT I realized that I had dreamed about it several months ago! It was a sign from above. I reached out to touch the gate, and it all came flooding back to me. I wept, and cried, and sobbed my release. My wrist began to throb, and Bonnie held space for me to heal myself. As soon as I was finished with that part, I stood up straighter, and we finished our walk around. I felt 200 pounds lighter and so amazingly free! The rest of the day, I cycled in and out of sadness, as it continued to release, and went to bed exhausted, but confident that a big shift had just happened. 

Laughter is the best medicine! Keeping it light is imperative, as I go through these intense shifts. 

Laughter is the best medicine! Keeping it light is imperative, as I go through these intense shifts. 

I went back to the park this morning, and sat on a bench, and soaked in the sun as I meditated. I grounded the pool, and the park, and brought it all into present time, so that I could collect all my energy back. I am no longer that girl, and I am safe and cared for, and loved. 

As I continue on my journey into myself, I wonder what else I will find that is buried, and creating a barren landscape above? I am working on a book, which will delve a bit deeper into this topic. But, for now, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy my blog. Love and light to you all today! 

You can run, but you can't hide....from your life lessons

It's 8 a.m. and the neghbor's dog is barking....AGAIN. I went to bed last night with the ringing in my ears, and woke up to the same sound. It makes me want to scream. After 10 years of dealing with this, and having the woman come over and assualt me verbally in front of my 6 year old child, I just have to give this up to a higher power. Lately, I have been asking myself, "What is my lesson here?" There is no logical solution, as I have called animal control countless times, and even been to mediation, where I was assured it would be dealt with. 

I have realized this is a pattern, and it echoes a dynamic in my family situation, where they treat me in a very passive aggressive manner, and as soon as I set a boundary, I am "out of control" and "a problem." I have recently realized that this is also considered socipathic behavior, or "gas lighting."  I moved as far away as I could to escape this dynamic, and guess what? It followed me, and now I have these neighbors who mirror the exact same situation. I created the same set of problems because I still attract that energy. I am a magnet for sociopathic behavior. NOT what I want!


Has this ever happened to you? Do you often wonder why you keep ending up with the same versions of a different relationship? Do you despair that there are "no good men/women out there?" It's all about energy, and what you are attracting. Other energetic beings (dogs, people, etc.) are attracted to what you are projecting, and you all enter into an agreement of sorts, to play these roles in each other's lives. If you can shift your perspective, and neutralize what you are putting out, you can change the entire dynamic. It's easy to blame others and play the role of victim, but this will never get you out of it. You have to change the way you process it in your mind. 

In this case, it has been baby steps, but I am finally to the point where I am not scared of them. I have realized that they are just playing the role that I needed them to so that I could process how I am treated in my family. For a long time, I have been afraid of them, and sought their approval on some level. I am finally realizing that the only approval rating that matters, is my own. When I begin to love myself, these things just "magically" shift all around me. I am not scared to speak up and tell my story, because the threat of having no relationship with them is removed. I ALREADY have no relationship with them; even worse, the relationship causes me pain and drama continually, so why do I even want it? I have bent over backwards to gain their love and approval and been met with nothing but hostility and drama. I am saying ENOUGH. It is time to move into the space of truth and love. I am not angry; rather, I am loving myself and having compassion for them. I do not condone the behavior, but I also do not need to continue to participate in it. My behavior has not been in my truth, and that needs to stop. I can't keep reacting; rather, I have to disengage. And THAT is where I ultimately find my peace. 

Your behavior has to stand alone. When you use other's bad behavior to measure your own, you know you are in a reactive state. Just because they created the drama doesn't mean you have to jump in. One of the most common ways we get sucked in, is defending ourselves. When you start to feel like you have to "prove they are wrong," you are buying a losing ticket. You will NEVER win that one. Believe in yourself and what others think is irrelevant. 

If you would like help in moving the energy that is holding you hostage, reach out! I can help you. Email me for available times and special rates. 

Are you settling?

Even though you may not want to admit it, you are probably "settling" on some level with something in your life. Settling occurs when you accept something less than what you really want, because you don't believe you can have it. Think about your relationship for a minute. Is it everything you want? Or, have you settled into it, and you're comfortable, so you stay? An easy way to flush this out is to ask yourself, "If I could have anyone, or any relationship, in the world, who would it be with?" If the answer is anyone other than who you are with, you are settling. This may seem harsh, but it is actually kinder to release someone from their obligation to you, than to keep them around, stuck with you in a relationship that isn't their ultimate destiny. We may allow ouselves to get our feelings hurt, and go into fear, but that doesn't have to happen. Your soulmates are out there wandering around, looking for you, and you are wasting time and energy in a situation that does not serve you, or them. It doesn't have to be emotionally damaging to release someone from a relationship with you. Society and old beliefs would have us hating our exes, but this is not how it has to be. Everyone who touches our lives is a valuable part of our journey, and releasing them lovingly is important so that you can learn your lessons. Holding on to bitterness, hurt, or anger, just keeps you stuck, and connected to them. It's a toxic cycle.

The other common form of settling is with your career. Ask yourself, "If I could do anything I wanted to, and be sure that I would succeed, what would that be?" If the answer is anything other than what you are doing, you are not pursuing your passion, or your life purpose. You probably have all kinds of justifications and excuses, like, "I am too old to start a new career." or "I can't make money doing what I want to do," but that is just fear talking. How many people have failed on their way to success? All of them. The difference is, they keep trying, until they succeed, instead of giving up because of a few failed attempts. So many of us have fear about this, and we unintentionally put this fear onto others. We tell ourselves that we are trying to "help" others, but what are we really doing? We are enabling them in their unhappiness, and encouraging them to settle for the "safe" choice. There are no limits except for the ones we set for ourselves. 

What would the world look like if no one settled for anything less than what they truly wanted? I don't even know, but it has to be better than where we are. Depression and mental illness are at an all time high, as is unemployment, and divorce. All these things would start to disappear if we all trusted ourselves and were encouraged to pursue our passions from an early age. There are no dreams to big, or too small. 

I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
— Henry David Thoreau