Moving out of relationships

Whether you want to admit it, or not, our lives revolve around relationships.  Work, family, and friends, are the lifeblood of our society.  A relationship is defined by Wikipedia as:

"An interpersonal relationship is a strong, deep, or close association/acquaintance between two or more people that may range in duration from brief to enduring. This association may be based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences. The context can vary from family or kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations with associates, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and places of worship. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole."

It has been said that we choose our family before we are born. Energetically, we choose the people to have in our lives, based on what we need to learn.  In "Many Lives, Many Masters," Dr. Brian Weiss talks about this, and how it relates to the entire cycle of our life, as well as how it factors into our subconscious, from past lives, if you embrace that school of thought. In the work I do at my Intuitive Learning Center, we learn how to recognize and release these patterns.  There are many variables when it comes to our choices.  Why do some people end up rich, and others, poor?  This is a result of choices, conscious or unconscious, and I have seen many people turn their lives around by simply becoming conscious of making the choices that will lead to what they really want to manifest in their lives.

When you find yourself in relationships that are the same, over and over, you need to ask yourself, "Who is the common denominator in this pattern?" YOU are the one who is attracting this, and it is up to YOU to change yourself, and your choices have to reflect that.  If you find yourself constantly being annoyed and angered by other people, ask yourself what you are not seeing.  It is not the other people, it is within you.  Some people have a hard time setting boundaries for themselves.  I have seen it time and time again, someone fails to set a boundary, and then, they are suddenly feeling "taken advantage of." If they had set the boundary and held it, no one would BE ABLE to take advantage of them.  There would be no drama or confusion.

In times when you really do need to move out of a relationship, it is simply because you have grown out of it.  It may manifest as the other person "doing something" to you, but there is no need to place blame or use anger to move out of the relationship.  No one is "wrong" or "bad" when the relationship no longer serves you.  Setting loving boundaries is a very easy way to move out of the energy of it, but acknowledging with gratitude, all that you have learned from the interaction.  If you find that most of your relationships end with a lot of drama and anger, you need to work on your boundaries.

Learn to have the best relationship you can with YOURSELF, and then you can really start to create relationships with others, that serves you, and them, in your highest good and purpose.

Simple pleasures

I have been seeing a lot of television shows and movies coming out lately, about losing electricity world wide. This, of course, is a disaster of epic proportions.  I began to take stock of my dependence on electricity and technology, as well as my family's. Most, if not all, of our entertainment is dependent on electricity.  When the power goes out, my kids have "nothing to do." We don't have a deck of cards, much less any board games.  What about photos of your loved ones, and your special moments? The list goes on: phones, cooking components, cars, medical equipment, etc.  Some of these things are more convenience than necessity, and it gives me pause.

In my quest within myself, I began to look for more simple pleasures, and this led me to the beach, the farmer's market, and places similar to these. I can enjoy nature without any electricity or technology, actually, it is best in it's natural form. When I go to a coffee shop, I don't have to immediately bury my head in my phone or computer. What if I sit there and smile, and say Hello to people? *gasp* The funny thing is, once I start talking to people in person, it is contagious.  Other people start to chime in, and soon, we have an animated discussion, and have made some new friends.

What are you missing, by living your life on the computer, or phone? You may be unconsciously burying your head in the sand, trying to avoid human contact.  Many of us have been wounded deeply by personal relationships, and we are afraid to be vulnerable again. Trust me, I understand this one. But, how are we to heal those old wounds if we choose to live in denial? Unfortunately, the only way to heal, is to feel. You have to make the conscious choice to open up that Pandora's Box and accept that these feelings are a part of your past, but they do not have to define your future.

For more on this subject, read my chapter about Burying the Lesson.  Feel free to email me if you need further information or have questions!  andreagarst@happiness.com

Love and Blessings to you on this day!

5 Dates with Yourself

When I began my "journey" into Happiness, I was asked the question, "What do you do for yourself?"  This had to be something that didn't involve a lot of money, or any other person/people.  It had to be a solitary activity that was pleasing to me, and no one else.  At first, I had a really hard time coming up with even one thing.  But now, years later, I have a list, and here are 5 of my favorites: 1.  Walking on the beach: 

Sometimes, I go twice, depending on how busy my day is, or how stressful.  I have even been known to go at night, to listen to the crashing of the waves against the shore. Once you find your happy place, it is truly a sanctuary.  Winnie the Pooh knew he needed a "thinking spot," and so do you!

2. Enjoying some good food

For me, this means one thing:  sushi.  Obviously, everyone is different in their likes and disikes, especially when it comes to food.  Find something that you enjoy, but make sure you are eating "consciously." Enjoy and savor the flavor and texture.  I take mine to go, because I don't like sitting in a restaurant alone, but many people have no issue with this.  Do what works for you, this is, after all, YOUR date.  Sometimes, I cook for myself, too.

3. Music

There are so many variations of this one, that I didn't specify.  Technically, music involves others, since the musician is performing, but you can listen alone, so I think it's still fair game.  For the purpose of really serving your higher self, I would encourage you to find some music that is uplifting, and calming.  You may even find that the you enjoy what you used to call "elevator music," and "old person music." Since no one else is involved in this decision, it will just be our little secret.  No one else needs to know what kind of music really speaks to your inner self.

Lady Antebellum's "Compass"

4. Meditation

This has been a huge part of my path in recent years.  There are many different types of meditation, and you do not have to sit in the lotus position for a day to acheive results.  You may have preconceived notions of this word, but I assure you that if every one of us took 30 minutes a day to simply sit in silence, the world would be a much better place.  Being still and quiet is difficult for those of us who have spent a lifetime trying to distract ourselves.  However; once you master it, the rewards are great, and endless.  There are lots of great resources online for learning this ancient and lost art.

5. Water

Again, there are tons of variations on this one, I personally enjoy a nice salt bath, but you may enjoy swimming, a jacuzzi, or something along those lines.  Water has a very effective grounding effect, and you can also use it for powerful visualizations of washing away energies, cords, etc.  I like to meditate in the bath, listening to music.  When I go to let the water out, I visualize all my stress and energy from others that I have collected over the last day, washes down the drain.  You can do a quick version of this with a shower.  Again, make it your own, it's your time to give to yourself.

Making time to nourish your inner light is key to finding contentment and Happiness.  As a good friend of mine says, "Happiness is found many different ways, and each are as varied as the soul who is searching for it."

Happiness from Within

How would life be different for you if you could not see, hear, or speak?  At first, you may think this would be awful, but think about it:  You could not HEAR any negativity.  You could not SEE anything but what is inside you.  And you would not SPEAK any harsh words that you could not take back.  And so we learn from Helen Keller, to live without outside distractions, is the greatest gift of all.  People pay thousands of dollars to live in remote areas, and it is often the wish to “escape” from society.  This just proves to me, once again, that happiness is found in YOU.  It is not outside of you, just ask Helen.  She was one of the most inspirational people of her time, because she was free from all the outside influences that may have discouraged her, she could not hear all the voices that said, “You can’t do that!”  She was free to pursue her heart’s desire because she didn’t know failure was a possibility.

My son goes to school with a boy who was born blind.  He seems happy, and is always smiling.  My son asked me, "Mom, what do you think it would be like to be blind?"  I wasn't sure how to answer the question, so I asked him what he thought (classic parenting trick). He talked about how he would miss the colors of the world, and knowing what everyone looked like.  I reminded him that this boy had never known any of that, so he wasn't aware that he was even "missing" anything.  We then discussed how, if you only had your other senses, it would affect your perception of yourself.  It was concluded that, in many ways, to be blind is freeing.  As Helen Keller, and many others, have discovered, you have what you need inside you already.  Most of us are shaped by the opinions of others, whether it be our family, friends, or acquaintances.  If we are to really find our truth, we have to dismiss anything that did not originate from our inner selves.

To be physically "blind" is not the worst thing that could happen.  However; to be spiritually "blind" is extremely damaging.  How many times have we watched a loved one self destruct?  How many people have destroyed themselves, because of what others think?  Often, finding your inner truth is the key to survival.  A woman who used to be a close friend of mine recently ended her life.  She was a beautiful person, but did not know it.  She was tortured by the limits that others had forced upon her, and never had the confidence to shine her own light brightly.  I tried to help her, but the damage was too severe.  She eventually shut me out, and then, she shut down.  When I learned of her passing, I was sad, but not surprised.  There are countless examples of this type of situation, and I am sure we all know of at least one person who this has happened to. That person who never quite fit in, and was never really content with themselves, and finally ended up on a path to nowhere, whether it be drugs, drinking, or even suicide.  I know, because I was on this path at one time.

Shine your own light, and do not be afraid of it!

Living in Consciousness

At some point in our lives, we start to realize that we have emotional baggage.  Perhaps someone points it out to us, or perhaps we are shown by circumstances.  However the information reaches you, it is your responsibility to take the next step.  Most people live unconsciously; meaning, repeat the same patterns over and over again, bemoaning the same result with all their "friends," finally coming to the conclusion that you need a drink, vacation, meaningless fling, or shopping spree, to make you "feel better.' After you have successfully avoided your emotions, the whole process repeats itself over and over until there is a breaking point.  The most common breaking point is illness, but injuries (physical or emotional) are at the top of the list, as well.

20 years ago, I was married to a wealthy man, planning a family, and generally not concerned with the future.  11 years later, I became a divorcee with two sons, and the playing field changed.  Suddenly, I had to deal with lonely nights, financial issues, all while maintaining a brave face for my two young sons.  I resorted to drinking as a companion, along with all the habits that come along with that choice.  After a few years of this, my body broke down and would not allow me to drink any longer.  I would become violently ill after a drink or two, and my "friends" dropped away, as I wasn't entertaining to them any longer.  I was forced to look at all my baggage, and it was not pretty.  I soon found other distractions, and one of them was food, and cooking.  I became immersed in cooking, health, and diet.  It was fun while it lasted, but soon, I was unable to afford the expensive ingredients that I needed, and so again, I was at a loss.  I spent a few difficult years learning how to balance my budget, and the shopping addiction was revealed.  I had a huge closet full of clothing that I never wore, for one reason or another.

Finally, I began to realize that I had been placing my Happiness in external things, and people, instead of just dealing with my baggage and creating my Happiness from within.  I didn't need to take another class, or read another book, I just needed to search myself for the answers that were there all along.  I am reminded of a quote from a song by America: 

"Oz never gave nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have."

10 years after my divorce, I am now building a career that I love, my oldest son is in college, and I am Happy. I don't have a lot of money, or a huge group of friends, but I am rebuilding my ideal for who I want to be.  I am free from the expectations of wearing designer clothing and drinking bottles of wine.  I am excited to go on my beach walks, and spend time with my younger son.  I have discovered that the simple pleasures in life are best when you come from a place of contentment and peace. I do not need any distractions to accept and enjoy who I have become, after unpacking a lot of baggage, and getting rid of those things which do not serve my higher purpose any longer.

Be free, and be Happy!

Action, or RE Action?

How many times have you defended yourself with the protest, "But he/she started it!"  Of course, you may not use those words, as I would hope we have all moved on since kindergarten, but I still hear people justifying their behavior by comparing it to other's actions on a regular basis. Your actions stand alone, and if you constantly find yourself saying things like, "He/she really hurt my feelings!" or "He/she made me angry!" then you are in a pattern of REaction. This translates into giving away your personal power, letting someone else dictate your actions. We have all had this experience, as we all have egos, and that part of us enjoys drama. One of my favorite "zen stories" of all time goes like this:

 Is That So?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child.

This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parents went to the master. “Is that so?” was all he would say.

When the child was born, the parents brought it to the Hakuin, who now was viewed as a pariah by the whole village. They demanded that he take care of the child since it was his responsibility. “Is that so?” Hakuin said calmly as he accepted the child.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth – that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: “Is that so?”

 Hakuin could have defended himself and made a huge drama out of this, but he accepted the child and raised it in a peaceful, loving environment.  As the mother clearly was not ready to raise the child as her own, he accepted the gift from the Universe and likely gained some knowledge of his own.  When we defend ourselves, or allow the ego to take over, we are creating drama where there does not need to be.

Next time you find yourself "mad" or "hurt," ask yourself if the words you are about to say, or the action you are about to take, can stand alone.  If you are cut off in traffic, and, in turn, flip off the other driver, take out their action and leave yours in the equation.  Is this who you are? Or is that you reacting to them?  The answer is clear. In beginning to live a conscious life, and turning around your actions so that they are yours alone, you will start to see an inner calm that perhaps has eluded you until now.

"Your actions should not be contingent on someone else's.  Stand alone in love!"

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

How many times have you been in a situation and even though you knew it wasn't a good idea, you went ahead with it anyway?  How many people tried to tell you not to do it?  And how many times did you beat yourself up when you kept making the same choice?  This has happened to me many times, mostly in relationships.  I know the person is not good for me, all my loved ones tell me the situation is bad, and yet, I still seem to need to walk the path. I end up hurt, and mad at myself.  The most annoying advice in the world is: "Just don't do it!"  To me, this is useless.  I can choose not to do it, but I find that the universe finds ways to keep putting these situations in my face, until I learn the lesson.

Some time ago, I dated a man who was not good for me. He was basically unavailable, however; he was honest, and loving.  This was a departure from all my other failed relationships, and so I explored it a little bit.  All my friends told me to stop seeing him, and I tried, repeatedly, until he just laughed at me every time I tried to break up with him.  This continued for three years, until, one day, I just realized that I wasn't interested in him anymore, and I stopped calling him, and stopped agreeing to see him.  It wasn't until I really surrendered, that the lesson was complete.  Sometimes, when you fight something, you create more resistance to it.  My life has been a series of these things.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty much going to do what I feel I need to do, regardless of your plan for my life.

I realized long ago, that pleasing others with my actions and decisions, has not worked out well for me.  It isn't an angry space, but it's a space of loving myself.  If you become angry because someone "doesn't listen" to your unsolicited advice, that is not about them, it is all about YOU.  If you are searching for validation in other people's choices, and lives, then you have a much bigger issue that you need to address.  I don't have the energy to run my life, and yours, and everyone else's.  If you have the time, energy, and inclination to try to control other's lives, then you are clearly not dealing with your own life effectively.  This is not to say that we can't help others, if asked, and if we do not have a personal agenda on the outcome.  We have to let everyone figure out their own lives, because, otherwise, are we not insulting them, by assuming they can't deal with their own issues? Let's support each other in our truths instead of looking to validate our own doubts and insecurities by telling everyone else how to live.

Knowledge that you should not do something, is very different than the wisdom to make a different choice.  Knowing that you should not have that pint of ice cream, doing it anyway, and then feeling guilty afterwards, is a cycle that I see often.  I always tell my friends, "If you are going to do something, enjoy it! If you aren't going to enjoy it, then why do it?"  Otherwise, what's the point?  Many of us are in this cycle with food, relationships, work, etc.  We tell ourselves that we are "good people" and yet we are killing our inner light, by not really doing the things that make us happy and fulfilled.  Of course, then, we need to give ourselves "treats" and this is usually in a food based form.  What if your treat to yourself was to do something you really enjoy, with no care about what anyone else thinks you "should" be doing?  "Oh, you're so irresponsible/lazy/selfish, you did ______ instead of ______ ......" The things that fulfill you and really nourish your soul are your TRUTHS.  Live more in your truth and watch your life transform.

If we are constantly feeling as if we "have no choice" and "have to do this," where is the joy in life?  Parents are especially susceptible to this trap.  We are allowed to put ourselves first sometimes.  Your kids will respect you for it, and they will follow your example.  My kids will sometimes suggest that I take a few minutes "off the clock" because it makes me a happier mom.  It is not "lazy" of me to go into my room and meditate, instead of making a 5 course dinner.  It is nourishing my soul and taking care of myself so that I can take care of my kids better.

Do something every day that nourishes you, and watch your happiness meter rise!  I would love to hear your stories, please feel free to email me at andrea@happiness.com .  Love and blessings!

Happy Holidays: 2013

Have you ever noticed how the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people, including yourself?  The last minute shopping, the pressure to decorate your home with the latest accessories, the cooking, cleaning, and guests from out of town.  Let's not even talk about the money aspect, it's a bottomless pit!  When you are a kid, none of this matters, because you are the one benefitting from it, and you are blissfully unaware of anything, other than the fact that you don't have school, you can sleep in, and there is lots of yummy food to be eaten, plus, you get presents!  Your parents (or the adults in your life) take care of everything, and so the cycle goes.  When you start to have your own family, you accept the role, because that's the cycle.

A few years ago, I had lost my job, and had very little money.  I was unable to buy the special food, presents, and decorations.  And you know what?  We were fine.  The kids hardly noticed, and I was astounded at how much easier it was for me.  We still had each other, and the fact that we didn't have a tree, was irrelevant.  The kids told me it didn't matter, and we spent the holidays relaxing, enjoying being together.  They didn't get up early on Christmas morning, because there weren't any presents, but they didn't really need anything, anyway.  We had a nice day, watching movies together and then heading down to the beach for the sunset.

The last few years have taught me many valuable lessons, but during the holiday season, this is the most valuable lesson of all.  Excessive consumerism is not mandatory.  Make your own traditions and enjoy being together.  Take a road trip or a hike.  Make some hot cocoa and watch whatever movies you like.  They don't HAVE to be Christmas movies.  If you are religious, there are many traditions, church services, and gatherings you can attend that are free, or donation based.

We don't need most of the gadgets and junk we already have, much less MORE junk to add to it.  In my family, we have agreed not to get the adults gifts, but spend whatever money we have on the kids.  As the kids have gotten older, they just want money.  This is not really AS fun, but I do enjoy mailing off my cards with gift cards stashed inside.  Since we live far away from our relatives, I enjoy the thought of them opening my card and maybe having a distant memory of who we are.  Someday, we will all be together for the holidays, but, until then, this will have to suffice!

This year, we got a tree, and I put lights on it, telling my son, "You can help me put on the ornaments later."  Well, we never got around to that, and we still think it looks fine.  The cats still like to drink the water, and climb up the trunk. There is no pressure for it to be "perfect" or adhere to any set of rules.  We enjoy the scent of the tree, and the pretty lights.  Next year, we may or may not get one.  It's no big deal either way.

Christmas, and the holidays, are about the Spirit, family, and love.  As long as we enjoy each other, not much else really matters.  Blessings to all of you during this special season!

Are you in a Rut?

We are told at an early age that to be "lazy" is to be "bad."  The trouble with this adage is that the definition of "lazy," seems to be a bit hazy (accidental rhyme).  I touched on this in an earlier post, and it has come to my attention again, due to recent events.  The opposite of lazy is, arguably, to be productive.  What is behind the mindset of someone who does not want to be, or is not able to be, productive?  It is our old friend, Fear.  Fear of success, failure, and many other things.  Perhaps you have tried to be productive in the past, only to have your achievements invalidated and dismissed as "not good enough."  Whatever the reason, if you are in a place of healing, I believe you are producing exactly what you need at the exact time you need to do it.

Getting out of a rut is hard.  You have to first recognize that you are IN the rut, then you have to find the way out.  Many times, we are stuck because we have turned off our "opportunity radar."  These missed opportunities come in many forms, big and small.  I have recently been working with a company that is going to revolutionize the economy, healthcare, and business practices as a whole.  Since we are a start up company, we have to bring in referrals of qualified people we know.  I am calling all the people I know who struggle financially, and the ones who need the most help are the ones who are the most hesitant!  It is a classic lottery situation.  The "lottery curse," as we call it, culminates with the big money winners being in the same, or worse, financial situation than they were in when they won the money.  This is a classic example of being in a rut and following established patterns of lack and devaluing oneself.  One of my favorite ways to illuminate these patterns for people is to ask one question:  "And how is that working for you?"  No one has ever said "It's working great!", and that will usually result in a conversation where they can see that they need to take a chance and put themselves out there in a different way.  Another great example of this is the movie "Yes Man," where the main character attends a motivational seminar and has to take a vow to start saying Yes to all the opportunities around him.  His life undergoes a HUGE change and in the end he lands in a very different place, and is fulfilled and happy.  He spent all his time saying No, and ended up alone on his couch.  Comfortable, but alone and unhappy.  How's that working for you?????

In order to be "productive," we must first heal the part of us that is scared to take chances and say Yes to these opportunities that are everywhere.  Start recognizing the choices you have, instead of playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. This is just your Ego having a temper tantrum, as a good friend told me once.  If you spent a day with me, you would see me taking a lot of time to collect my thoughts and meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed, I find space to breathe and recenter myself.  This allows me to be MORE productive, but to the casual observer, it may look as though I am being "lazy."  A good friend bragged to me, "I never sit down!"  and I wondered if she realizes that she is falling into that old belief system.  If you never sit down, you are living in distraction and chaos.  If that WORKS for you, great. But honestly, I can't imagine that it would be working for anyone.  Taking the time for yourself is NOT being lazy.  Running around like a crazy person 24/7 is NOT being productive.  Find your balance and find your peace.

Wishing you all peace and blessings on this beautiful day!

Are you Listening?

As many of you know, I have recently acquired a deck of Oracle Cards, which I have enjoyed using on a daily basis.  I typically do a three card spread, which answers my question of the day with Past, Present, and Future information.  A few days ago, I got the "Listening" card for my future point of vantage. I had never seen this one before, so I paid close attention to what it said.  The basic message was, "Stop talking and start listening."

Many of us are living our lives in a cycle of "waiting for other people to stop talking"so that we can start.  When was the last time you just sat and listened to a friend, not offering any advice, but just letting them say what they need to say?  Sharing our life experiences is important, but there is a point where you may need to evaluate if you are doing it for yourself, or others.  I have found that many times, when I am impatient to "tell everyone my story", it is out of that old place of Ego, where I have tried to move out of for quite some time now.  Feeling defensive is also good old Ego raising it's ugly head.  Whenever I feel the need to defend myself, I ask, "Why?"  There is a fine line between setting boundaries and defending yourself.  Boundaries are set out of love for yourself, and the latter is simply needing to be "right" or "vindicated," and that is not something to be pursued.  We can't ever win that battle, because there will always be someone else who also needs to be "right" and there you go on the merry go round of Ego.

Yesterday I sat with a friend and listened to her talk about her ex husband and how she really wanted to get him out of her life.  As I shared my thoughts, she became annoyed with me, and I saw that "listening" card in my mind.  I realized that I need to retreat and let her find her own path.  It is not my place to heal everyone, people need to learn their own lessons, and even though it is hard to watch someone continue in a hurtful cycle, have we not all done that at one point in our lives? I spent a good 30 years there, and I gained a lot of wisdom, but also, compassion.  Perhaps this next phase of my life I need to shut up and let other people talk.  Because we are all in this together, and I do not want to impede anyone's progress, or get in the way of anyone's lessons, or life's path.  We are all exactly where we need to be in order to learn what we need to learn.

After all, talking is only thinking out loud, is it not?  Sending you all love and blessings on this beautiful day xxxxxx

Are you wearing your unhappiness?

I live in a beautiful beach community, and I try to take advantage of the beach as often as I can.  Yesterday, having just recovered from the flu, I decided to go down and just breathe in the fresh air, taking as long of a walk as I felt I could enjoy.  As I walked along, just breathing and smiling at people, I noticed a group of women jogging towards me on the strand path.  Now, these women were very noticeable because, in this community, you

rarely see obese people.  I think this is a combination of simply "the LA mentality" in which women in particular are shamed into thinking that they have to be thin in order to be beautiful, but I choose to embrace the positive part of that mentality, which is that we live where it is sunny and 70 most of the year, and outside exercise is possible almost every day.  Additional impetus being, at any given time you could be asked to attend a pool or jacuzzi party and if you are not wearing a bikini, you may as well be sporting a burka for all the strange looks you will receive.  Your choices are to remain antisocial, or live somewhere else.  So, this group of significantly overweight women struggled towards me, some at a slow jog, some at a brisker walk, but all with the same expression:  misery.  The woman who was clearly their "leader" was 100 pounds soaking wet, and as they passed me, I heard her spouting a bunch of nutritional facts, using words like "bad" and "crap" to describe choices someone might make.  With her every peppy word, it seemed that the energy of the group spiraled down further.  As I continued down the path, I saw more of these women, who were the "stragglers", and finally, one, sitting on the side of the path, almost in tears, clearly not "having fun."  I almost stopped to ask her if she was ok, but I  did not want to add to her palpable humiliation.  I was overcome with sadness at the shame we inflict on others for simply using food as a coping tool in order to deal with the difficult issue of self hatred.  Their addiction is no worse than the drug user, the alcoholic, the sex addict, or the shopping addict, to name a few.

I have been reading Collette Baron-Reid's book, "Weight Loss for those who Feel too Much," and this has opened my eyes, not only to some of my issues, but to many others on the same path.  How are we helping food addicts by making them feel even worse about themselves?  The Biggest Loser is so painful for me to watch that I have yet to watch one entire episode.  Is our value really all in the number on the scale?  And, if we gain 5 pounds, we are "bad" and "in trouble."  This is only compounding the problem.  I am reasonably sure that if, instead of boot camps and fat free foods, we gave each other positive compliments, aka positive reinforcement, the tides would turn much more quickly. We can encourage others to be healthy and love themselves, and this, in turn, will help them to make different choices to care for their bodies.  I know many trainers who think

posting photoshopped images of "perfect" bodies is inspirational, but this is the opposite for most people.  This really makes me angry!  The message is:  if you can't be perfect, you may as well stay home and eat chips.  I saw an ad for "Plus size yoga" the other day....YES!  Great idea!  As a society, we have placed the emphasis on the wrong things for too long. Unhappiness makes you want to soothe yourself, and for many, food is that balm.  As a recovered anorexic, I can tell you that NOT eating comes from the same place.  It is all about self punishment and misery in that space.  Until we teach people to really love themselves, they way they are, we can not really help them to care for their bodies in a healthy way.

I am deeply saddened by the trainers and coaches who think they are helping people by reinforcing the guilt and shame pattern.  The fact is, this is so prevalent in today's society because fat is the last accepted prejudice.  It can be used as a cop out for many things, and it makes thinner people feel superior.  "At least I am not THAT fat!"  is something I have heard from others.  I encourage you to have compassion for those who are struggling, and offer loving support, instead of using it to make yourself feel better.  Perhaps you can learn something about yourself in the journey.  Fat is simply wearing your emotions on the outside.  Cancer is wearing them on the inside.  How about if we actually DEAL with our emotions?  That's a novel concept.

Blessings to your and yours today!

Where are you?

Distraction has been the theme of this past month.  I see opportunities everywhere, and I see everyone doing it.  We have become a society of distraction, which ultimately leads to unrest and dissatisfaction.  We put off dealing with our thoughts, because, well, that's BORING.  We put aside those unpleasant thoughts and issues because that's HARD.  Well, news flash: You are cheating yourself out of the life experience by ignoring the opportunities you are being shown.

Yesterday, my son Sam had an audition in Los Angeles.  We arrived a bit early and walked in to a full room of people, ages 0-50.  Sam signed in and I found a small piece of bench for us to sit on.  We sat across from a woman with a toddler and a boy about Sam's age, playing a game on an iPad.  I took the opportunity to look around the room and observe human behavior, one of my favorite pastimes.  A few people caught my eye, but no one smiled, instead, they looked away as soon as our eyes met.  The exception is always the kids.  They are wide open and curious, and if I smile and give a little wave, they will always do the same back.  A bunch of little girls were in princess dresses, and I told one who was nearby that she looked beautiful.  She beamed with pride.  The kids who were on their electronic devices had not even looked up.  They stayed hunched over, disengaged.  The rest of the adults were on their iPhones, looking vacantly at the screens. It reminded me of some futuristic movie where no one was connected to another person, but all their interaction is electronic.  I did not see any of these "electronically engaged" people smiling.  I looked at Sam, and he was doing what I was doing, and I was surprised.  I asked if he had his phone, and he nodded, pointing to his pocket.  The toddler sitting in the stroller across from us began to fuss, and the mom reluctantly unbuckled her from her seat.  The little girl was adorable, and she and Sam began to interact.  She came over to me and I smiled at her.  The mom seemed relieved to have someone to talk to, as her son remained hunched over his iPad game.  We had a nice conversation and when they finally left, she had told me her life story, and I sensed that she needed some validation so I told her, "Your kids are beautiful and you seem to be a very good mom." She left with a smile on her face and I felt pleased that I had been able to give her some small part of what she needed.  I praised Sam for helping the mom with the little girl and he told me he actually enjoyed it!  We left, a little richer for the experience.

Humans are made to energetically interact with one another.  When you sit in front of a computer all day, take the opportunities you are offered to connect with other living beings.  We have become depressed and unfulfilled because, in part, we substitute electronic interaction for actual human contact, and that is not enough to survive on!  We have developed into this pattern because we have grown fearful of interacting with others, since we have experienced most of our pain from others. I was in the same boat not too long ago, but I am peeking out of my shell and finding that as I am loving and open to others, they are responding in kind.  Not every time, but more and more often.  Next time you are in a grocery store, or other public place, try saying hello to people, and smiling.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how good it feels!

Go forth, and conquer, in LOVE.

Be the Change

Do you often find yourself saying things like, "I have no choice," or, "I have always done it this way"?  Most of us fall into patterns without realizing it, and we resist change, which is human nature, so we find ourselves stuck and unhappy, and tell ourselves this is how it has to be.  Change can be painful and uncomfortable, but is it really any worse than staying stuck in a rut where you are unhappy every day?  There is a fine line between accepting what IS, and pushing yourself to make changes. A recent personal situation has left me feeling vulnerable and raw.  I find that, in these times, I have two choices.  The first choice is to run away from this feeling, which is really just a form of denial and self punishment.  The second choice is to "sink in" to the feelings, surrender to the pain, and let yourself find clarity in that reality.  Neither choice is really harder than the other, but we have been programmed as a society to avoid emotional pain like it is the plague, thus our friends rally around us, and bring us distractions, thinking they are "helping" but really just enabling us in our denial.  In the end, you will just keep repeating the scenario until you learn the lesson.  As yourself how many times you want to go through the experience and make your choice from there.  Sometimes we need to go through it a few times before we are ready to make changes.

Another key is your EGO.  Ask yourself why you need to be the winner, or right, or in any way acknowledged by others.  Do you need validation because you do not really believe in yourself?  Do you need others to love you in order to love yourself?  Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" talks about this phenomenon.  If you can really let go of your ego, you can get out of your own way and start to see true change in your life.  The ego serves no purpose in moving us forward in life.  It is the cause of our pain and anxiety.  Letting go of the need for others to acknowledge you is very freeing.  Ask yourself why you need that, and you will soon see that you do not really need it at all.

The next time you find yourself saying something like "I guess this is just how it is,"  stop and ask yourself, "Is this what I really want?"  and if your answer is no, you have the power to change it.  Step out of the fear and see your choices start to shift your reality.  Do something risky and different.  Above all, make choices based on LOVE, and it will always be the right choice.  If your intentions are to love yourself, and others, there is nothing bad that can come of that.  It may not always go as you thought it would, but in the end, it will be the truth.

What do YOU think?

Wow, Welcome to the year 2013.  I don't know about you, but I am excited for the promise it brings.  I have been working on making lots of changes, and I think many of you are moving into a place where you can share more of yourself with others, and release the fear that has kept us isolated for so long.  A few nights ago, I had a dream, which I felt was the culmination of many things, but the message was very clear:  Focus more on ME, and stop giving my power away. The Dream:

I found myself in a beautiful castle, decorated with many tapestries and luxurious items, each room more pleasing than the next.  I became aware that, while I did live here, none of the rooms were MINE.  I began to search diligently for a door that would lead to what belonged to me, and I eventually found myself with my hand on a doorknob that I knew led to the basement.  I opened it, and as I descended, the glow was palpable.  I was reminded of Aladdin's cave, as my eyes took in jewels, gold, and piles of treasures, as far as the eye could see!  I knew within the depths of my soul that THIS was MY ESSENCE.  My entire house/life had been spent asking others, "What do you think, what do you want?," and this had resulted in a house/life that, while beautiful, was not my truth.  As I stood in awe of my very pure and original essence, I realized that I had never before truly known my essence, untainted by others' expectations or ideas for me.  I had let my need to "heal" or "help" others, get in the way of what I needed to do for myself!  I bowed my head in gratitude and vowed to myself to always put myself first, from this day forward.  In love, I would give myself my essence, and others are welcome to share it, but no one can take it.

My life has taught me many things, and I am grateful for each lesson that I have learned, for they have been my stepping stones for where I have landed today, which I am eternally grateful for.  My work is not done, by any means, but I know that I have begun a new path today, and from here on out, I will honor myself FIRST, for my pure essence is what I must always nourish.  I am a healer, and I know this is on my path of purpose, but I can heal others from a place of love for myself, instead of giving myself away.  To share your essence and honor your truth is the greatest love of all, is it not?

Happy 2013, wishing you all the best for this next year, and beyond!  Namaste.

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Be good to yourself

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are told, "Be nice!" Usually, this involves smiling and ignoring another's rude or offensive behavior. I ask you, why do we need to allow this type of behavior, and further, why are we discouraged from standing up for ourselves?

I witnessed a prime example of this the other day in line at the grocery store. We were all lined up to wait our turn, when a lady with a full cart walked past all of us, and started unloading her cart at the front register. I had already secured my place at the back register, but I turned to the woman behind me and asked, "Why don't you say something to her?" To which she replied, "I don't want to be rude." I was aghast, "SHE is being rude to YOU!" To which the woman appeared uncomfortable and looked down. I looked at the checker and we both shrugged. Why are we so afraid to stand up for what is right? Especially when it is our personal space that is being invaded? If it were me (and it has been many times), I would have politely gone up to the lady and said, "Excuse me, we are all waiting in line, the back of the line is here". Most of the time, people are embarrassed, because they simply do not know. Most people are not trying to be rude, and appreciate when someone gives them a gentle reminder. You don't need to be aggressive and confrontational.

The saddest example of this is when a child is abused. As I have said before, this has happened to me, and I was always "nice" to the men who invaded my most personal space. I never wanted to "offend" them, and I was being a "good girl" for going along with what they wanted. I was taught to think of others before myself, which ended up in disaster for me personally. Years later, in therapy, I was asked, "Why didn't you say no, or tell them to stop?" and my answer was always the same, "I didn't want them to be mad at me." I was literally willing to sacrifice the most precious part of my female body in order to "be nice." And that is where we have to draw the line. We can not allow people to abuse us, even if they get mad, and call us names (which has certainly happened to me in recent history). We have to feel confident in standing up for ourselves, because, if we don't, we are disrespecting the most important person, ourselves. If it makes me a "bitch" to tell someone that I do not like to be yelled at, or spoken to in an abusive manner, then, so be it. I will not allow myself to be invaded any longer, in the name of "being nice."

It is my most fervent wish that we can teach our next generation to say no in a kind manner. People seem to think that to say no is to be mean. This is not true. You can politely decline any invitations which do not suit you. When a solicitor came to the door, I politely said, "No thank you", and my kids hear this, which gives them comfort in saying, "No thank you" when they are offered drugs, or asked to compare body parts, or whatever the case may be. I am hoping that my example will empower them to say no in a way which is compassionate and understanding. I hear my teenager having these conversations with his peers and I am so proud of him. I hear him standing up for himself without being rude, and he is well liked at school, yet he does not "party" at all. Instead of teaching our kids to "be nice" to everyone but themselves, why can we not teach them to respect themselves, as well as others?

Abundance for all

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful." Again, this is an extreme, which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%." Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself." If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all," and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have to make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself these things: "When I am on my deathbed, which thing will I remember?  Will I wish I had worked more? Will I wish that I had given more to myself?"

I think the answers are clear.