Happy Mother's Day: 2015

I am one day behind, and have been battling a pretty substantial illness for the past week. Being sick and losing my voice may be the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Nope, I am most definitely not a glutton for punishment, nor am I a fan of being sick in general. What I found is, the very nature of illness is to force you to slow down, and rest, and sometimes, what you find underneath all that "busyness" may surprise you. 

As I sank deeper and deeper into the illness, my 13 year old son, Sam, became concerned. He asked how he could help, and offered to make me tea, bring me food, and many other very kind and compassionate things. At one point I asked him, "Don't you have things you want to do?" and he replied, "I am just giving you the same consideration you give me when I am sick." I felt tears in my eyes as I reveled in the man he is becoming, and thanked him. He was unfailing in his concern and support when I was feeling my worst. 

On day 3, when I lost my voice, but had to trek to the store anyway, I felt a sense of freedom when I could not speak. When someone smiled at me, I simply smiled back, and no words were spoken. It was a very introspective time for me. When the employees at the grocery store I frequent learned that I was sick, they wished me well and showered me with encouragement and well wishes. My inner happiness and peace grew and multiplied in spades. 

Yesterday, my older son called me from college, and we spent a hour on the phone, which is a rare treat these days. He is busy, and happy, and I miss him at times, but he is emerging into a beautiful place of adulthood and beginning his career path with joy and passion. What more could you ask for your child? The excitement in his voice and the love he expresses for me is indescribable in it's magnificence. He knows that I my only wish for him is to be happy and fulfilled, and he is pursuing his passion with that in mind. 

It occurred to me that perhaps I have finally emerged from the haze of bad karma which has followed me around for so long. For so many years, I allowed others to dictate what happiness meant, and I played the victim, because I knew nothing else. I was constantly blaming others and living in a bed of shame for things that were not mine to own. I accepted the roles of "troublemaker" and "bossy" and many others which were actually coping mechanisms born of trauma. Until recently, I was living my life, afraid of being hurt, and so, of course, I attracted people into my life with that same trust issue. Inevitably, the trust was ruptured, and all my relationships ended on that note. My propensity to be "right" outweighed my desire for happiness. Until I overcame that fear, and allowed myself to be vulnerable, I was not ever going to truly manifest the life I had only dreamed of. Living in fear of the future will never propel you into anything other than more fear and pain. 

As for my day yesterday, Sam came to me and asked what he could do for me, and I hugged him tight and said, "Every day is Mother's Day around here!"  He happily nodded and went off to do his own thing. I called a friend to go to the store for me, and I am on the mend. I could not feel more loved. 

Happy (slightly belated) Mother's Day to all women, for we are all mothers of some kind. Whether you have birthed a child, an idea, or creativity and passion, we are all deserving of our ability to create and love. And isn't that where our happiness lies?