Who do I think I AM????

You may have wondered, "Why is this Andrea Garst person claiming to be an expert on Happiness?"  and let me tell you, I have been questioning this myself, lately!  This past year has been extremely challenging, and at times I shook my head in disbelief that I had written a book, telling people how to achieve Happiness.  I couldn't really even find it myself! As the fog clears, as it does, I realized that life would not evolve without adversity.  We would not grow if we were not ever challenged.  Think of a muscle:  if you never use it, it never develops.  The more you use it, the more resistance it encounters, the bigger and stronger it becomes!  Our mentality is a muscle, of sorts.  This is certainly not a new analogy, but it has taken on new meaning for me.

My son had a hard day at school last week and came home with a long face.  "Why does life have to be so HARD?"  he wailed.  I hugged him and reminded him that the hard days can make us even more grateful for the happier days.  He grumped back something at me, and I smiled to myself. One day, he will look back and wish he only had middle school problems.  As we get stronger, our issues become larger, and this is proof that we have experienced growth.  I take it for validation that not too many things get to me these days.  The things that bother me, are worth my time and growth.

We have deluded ourselves into thinking that Happiness, Peace, Love, or any other desirable emotion, is a constant state of being.  This is simply NOT THE CASE.  You don't achieve Happiness, and just stay stagnant, nor would you want to!  You keep challenging yourself to make the hard decisions, and create the change in you that will ultimately move you forward.  This is human nature, and to be stagnant is NOT the goal here.  So, as I go through a depressed day here, an angry day there, I realize that this is just my energetic body moving out the old, making way for the new, and, at the same time, creating resilience for the future.  This is very exciting, and even though I still make a lot of mistakes and have certainly not been even close to "perfect,"  I am most certainly, without a doubt, HUMAN to the core.

Enjoy your human existence!  I will keep trying:)

What's that smell?

From a very young age, I have been ultra sensitive to smells.  I could smell atmospheric changes and electricity.  It was, many times, an annoyance, as there are many types of odors in the world, from the very pleasant, to the kind that make you gag.  I never knew that this was unique to me, I thought everyone could smell when it was about to rain.  I mentioned it to a friend one day and she looked at me like I was completely insane. She had never heard of someone being able to smell the atmospheric changes.  I started to notice it in other ways, and soon I became self conscious of it, and I wouldn't ask someone, "What's that smell?" because most of the time, I was the only one who could smell it.

When I began my intuitive training, the most commonly used phrase at the center was "everything is energy." It took me a while, but I soon embraced this philosophy fully.  One area that I have begun to translate into energy is this heightened sense of smell.  A man I dated a few years back began to have a different smell to him.  It became stronger and stronger and finally, I asked him if he was using a different aftershave, eating something new, or taking some medication. He could not think of anything, and I finally had to admit that it must be part of his energetic signature, shifting somehow.  It became so repellant that I could not even bring myself to kiss him, and even though he tried everything, it would not go away.  We finally broke up, and I realized that, as we were growing apart, the smell was growing stronger and more abhorrent!  I finally understood that this is a gift of mine, and I need to listen to it.  It can tell me when someone has been drinking, when they are unhealthy, or even if they are too sad to shower regularly.  I can use this perception to heighten my intuition even further!

I am very excited that I have made this discovery and I wanted to share it with you all immediately.  I am sure there are many of you who have heightened senses, and can totally relate.  I look forward to hearing your stories!

Smells like a good day! Much love xxxxxx

Are you in a Rut?

We are told at an early age that to be "lazy" is to be "bad."  The trouble with this adage is that the definition of "lazy," seems to be a bit hazy (accidental rhyme).  I touched on this in an earlier post, and it has come to my attention again, due to recent events.  The opposite of lazy is, arguably, to be productive.  What is behind the mindset of someone who does not want to be, or is not able to be, productive?  It is our old friend, Fear.  Fear of success, failure, and many other things.  Perhaps you have tried to be productive in the past, only to have your achievements invalidated and dismissed as "not good enough."  Whatever the reason, if you are in a place of healing, I believe you are producing exactly what you need at the exact time you need to do it.

Getting out of a rut is hard.  You have to first recognize that you are IN the rut, then you have to find the way out.  Many times, we are stuck because we have turned off our "opportunity radar."  These missed opportunities come in many forms, big and small.  I have recently been working with a company that is going to revolutionize the economy, healthcare, and business practices as a whole.  Since we are a start up company, we have to bring in referrals of qualified people we know.  I am calling all the people I know who struggle financially, and the ones who need the most help are the ones who are the most hesitant!  It is a classic lottery situation.  The "lottery curse," as we call it, culminates with the big money winners being in the same, or worse, financial situation than they were in when they won the money.  This is a classic example of being in a rut and following established patterns of lack and devaluing oneself.  One of my favorite ways to illuminate these patterns for people is to ask one question:  "And how is that working for you?"  No one has ever said "It's working great!", and that will usually result in a conversation where they can see that they need to take a chance and put themselves out there in a different way.  Another great example of this is the movie "Yes Man," where the main character attends a motivational seminar and has to take a vow to start saying Yes to all the opportunities around him.  His life undergoes a HUGE change and in the end he lands in a very different place, and is fulfilled and happy.  He spent all his time saying No, and ended up alone on his couch.  Comfortable, but alone and unhappy.  How's that working for you?????

In order to be "productive," we must first heal the part of us that is scared to take chances and say Yes to these opportunities that are everywhere.  Start recognizing the choices you have, instead of playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. This is just your Ego having a temper tantrum, as a good friend told me once.  If you spent a day with me, you would see me taking a lot of time to collect my thoughts and meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed, I find space to breathe and recenter myself.  This allows me to be MORE productive, but to the casual observer, it may look as though I am being "lazy."  A good friend bragged to me, "I never sit down!"  and I wondered if she realizes that she is falling into that old belief system.  If you never sit down, you are living in distraction and chaos.  If that WORKS for you, great. But honestly, I can't imagine that it would be working for anyone.  Taking the time for yourself is NOT being lazy.  Running around like a crazy person 24/7 is NOT being productive.  Find your balance and find your peace.

Wishing you all peace and blessings on this beautiful day!

Are you Listening?

As many of you know, I have recently acquired a deck of Oracle Cards, which I have enjoyed using on a daily basis.  I typically do a three card spread, which answers my question of the day with Past, Present, and Future information.  A few days ago, I got the "Listening" card for my future point of vantage. I had never seen this one before, so I paid close attention to what it said.  The basic message was, "Stop talking and start listening."

Many of us are living our lives in a cycle of "waiting for other people to stop talking"so that we can start.  When was the last time you just sat and listened to a friend, not offering any advice, but just letting them say what they need to say?  Sharing our life experiences is important, but there is a point where you may need to evaluate if you are doing it for yourself, or others.  I have found that many times, when I am impatient to "tell everyone my story", it is out of that old place of Ego, where I have tried to move out of for quite some time now.  Feeling defensive is also good old Ego raising it's ugly head.  Whenever I feel the need to defend myself, I ask, "Why?"  There is a fine line between setting boundaries and defending yourself.  Boundaries are set out of love for yourself, and the latter is simply needing to be "right" or "vindicated," and that is not something to be pursued.  We can't ever win that battle, because there will always be someone else who also needs to be "right" and there you go on the merry go round of Ego.

Yesterday I sat with a friend and listened to her talk about her ex husband and how she really wanted to get him out of her life.  As I shared my thoughts, she became annoyed with me, and I saw that "listening" card in my mind.  I realized that I need to retreat and let her find her own path.  It is not my place to heal everyone, people need to learn their own lessons, and even though it is hard to watch someone continue in a hurtful cycle, have we not all done that at one point in our lives? I spent a good 30 years there, and I gained a lot of wisdom, but also, compassion.  Perhaps this next phase of my life I need to shut up and let other people talk.  Because we are all in this together, and I do not want to impede anyone's progress, or get in the way of anyone's lessons, or life's path.  We are all exactly where we need to be in order to learn what we need to learn.

After all, talking is only thinking out loud, is it not?  Sending you all love and blessings on this beautiful day xxxxxx

Are you wearing your unhappiness?

I live in a beautiful beach community, and I try to take advantage of the beach as often as I can.  Yesterday, having just recovered from the flu, I decided to go down and just breathe in the fresh air, taking as long of a walk as I felt I could enjoy.  As I walked along, just breathing and smiling at people, I noticed a group of women jogging towards me on the strand path.  Now, these women were very noticeable because, in this community, you

rarely see obese people.  I think this is a combination of simply "the LA mentality" in which women in particular are shamed into thinking that they have to be thin in order to be beautiful, but I choose to embrace the positive part of that mentality, which is that we live where it is sunny and 70 most of the year, and outside exercise is possible almost every day.  Additional impetus being, at any given time you could be asked to attend a pool or jacuzzi party and if you are not wearing a bikini, you may as well be sporting a burka for all the strange looks you will receive.  Your choices are to remain antisocial, or live somewhere else.  So, this group of significantly overweight women struggled towards me, some at a slow jog, some at a brisker walk, but all with the same expression:  misery.  The woman who was clearly their "leader" was 100 pounds soaking wet, and as they passed me, I heard her spouting a bunch of nutritional facts, using words like "bad" and "crap" to describe choices someone might make.  With her every peppy word, it seemed that the energy of the group spiraled down further.  As I continued down the path, I saw more of these women, who were the "stragglers", and finally, one, sitting on the side of the path, almost in tears, clearly not "having fun."  I almost stopped to ask her if she was ok, but I  did not want to add to her palpable humiliation.  I was overcome with sadness at the shame we inflict on others for simply using food as a coping tool in order to deal with the difficult issue of self hatred.  Their addiction is no worse than the drug user, the alcoholic, the sex addict, or the shopping addict, to name a few.

I have been reading Collette Baron-Reid's book, "Weight Loss for those who Feel too Much," and this has opened my eyes, not only to some of my issues, but to many others on the same path.  How are we helping food addicts by making them feel even worse about themselves?  The Biggest Loser is so painful for me to watch that I have yet to watch one entire episode.  Is our value really all in the number on the scale?  And, if we gain 5 pounds, we are "bad" and "in trouble."  This is only compounding the problem.  I am reasonably sure that if, instead of boot camps and fat free foods, we gave each other positive compliments, aka positive reinforcement, the tides would turn much more quickly. We can encourage others to be healthy and love themselves, and this, in turn, will help them to make different choices to care for their bodies.  I know many trainers who think

posting photoshopped images of "perfect" bodies is inspirational, but this is the opposite for most people.  This really makes me angry!  The message is:  if you can't be perfect, you may as well stay home and eat chips.  I saw an ad for "Plus size yoga" the other day....YES!  Great idea!  As a society, we have placed the emphasis on the wrong things for too long. Unhappiness makes you want to soothe yourself, and for many, food is that balm.  As a recovered anorexic, I can tell you that NOT eating comes from the same place.  It is all about self punishment and misery in that space.  Until we teach people to really love themselves, they way they are, we can not really help them to care for their bodies in a healthy way.

I am deeply saddened by the trainers and coaches who think they are helping people by reinforcing the guilt and shame pattern.  The fact is, this is so prevalent in today's society because fat is the last accepted prejudice.  It can be used as a cop out for many things, and it makes thinner people feel superior.  "At least I am not THAT fat!"  is something I have heard from others.  I encourage you to have compassion for those who are struggling, and offer loving support, instead of using it to make yourself feel better.  Perhaps you can learn something about yourself in the journey.  Fat is simply wearing your emotions on the outside.  Cancer is wearing them on the inside.  How about if we actually DEAL with our emotions?  That's a novel concept.

Blessings to your and yours today!

Where are you?

Distraction has been the theme of this past month.  I see opportunities everywhere, and I see everyone doing it.  We have become a society of distraction, which ultimately leads to unrest and dissatisfaction.  We put off dealing with our thoughts, because, well, that's BORING.  We put aside those unpleasant thoughts and issues because that's HARD.  Well, news flash: You are cheating yourself out of the life experience by ignoring the opportunities you are being shown.

Yesterday, my son Sam had an audition in Los Angeles.  We arrived a bit early and walked in to a full room of people, ages 0-50.  Sam signed in and I found a small piece of bench for us to sit on.  We sat across from a woman with a toddler and a boy about Sam's age, playing a game on an iPad.  I took the opportunity to look around the room and observe human behavior, one of my favorite pastimes.  A few people caught my eye, but no one smiled, instead, they looked away as soon as our eyes met.  The exception is always the kids.  They are wide open and curious, and if I smile and give a little wave, they will always do the same back.  A bunch of little girls were in princess dresses, and I told one who was nearby that she looked beautiful.  She beamed with pride.  The kids who were on their electronic devices had not even looked up.  They stayed hunched over, disengaged.  The rest of the adults were on their iPhones, looking vacantly at the screens. It reminded me of some futuristic movie where no one was connected to another person, but all their interaction is electronic.  I did not see any of these "electronically engaged" people smiling.  I looked at Sam, and he was doing what I was doing, and I was surprised.  I asked if he had his phone, and he nodded, pointing to his pocket.  The toddler sitting in the stroller across from us began to fuss, and the mom reluctantly unbuckled her from her seat.  The little girl was adorable, and she and Sam began to interact.  She came over to me and I smiled at her.  The mom seemed relieved to have someone to talk to, as her son remained hunched over his iPad game.  We had a nice conversation and when they finally left, she had told me her life story, and I sensed that she needed some validation so I told her, "Your kids are beautiful and you seem to be a very good mom." She left with a smile on her face and I felt pleased that I had been able to give her some small part of what she needed.  I praised Sam for helping the mom with the little girl and he told me he actually enjoyed it!  We left, a little richer for the experience.

Humans are made to energetically interact with one another.  When you sit in front of a computer all day, take the opportunities you are offered to connect with other living beings.  We have become depressed and unfulfilled because, in part, we substitute electronic interaction for actual human contact, and that is not enough to survive on!  We have developed into this pattern because we have grown fearful of interacting with others, since we have experienced most of our pain from others. I was in the same boat not too long ago, but I am peeking out of my shell and finding that as I am loving and open to others, they are responding in kind.  Not every time, but more and more often.  Next time you are in a grocery store, or other public place, try saying hello to people, and smiling.  You may be pleasantly surprised at how good it feels!

Go forth, and conquer, in LOVE.

Be the Change

Do you often find yourself saying things like, "I have no choice," or, "I have always done it this way"?  Most of us fall into patterns without realizing it, and we resist change, which is human nature, so we find ourselves stuck and unhappy, and tell ourselves this is how it has to be.  Change can be painful and uncomfortable, but is it really any worse than staying stuck in a rut where you are unhappy every day?  There is a fine line between accepting what IS, and pushing yourself to make changes. A recent personal situation has left me feeling vulnerable and raw.  I find that, in these times, I have two choices.  The first choice is to run away from this feeling, which is really just a form of denial and self punishment.  The second choice is to "sink in" to the feelings, surrender to the pain, and let yourself find clarity in that reality.  Neither choice is really harder than the other, but we have been programmed as a society to avoid emotional pain like it is the plague, thus our friends rally around us, and bring us distractions, thinking they are "helping" but really just enabling us in our denial.  In the end, you will just keep repeating the scenario until you learn the lesson.  As yourself how many times you want to go through the experience and make your choice from there.  Sometimes we need to go through it a few times before we are ready to make changes.

Another key is your EGO.  Ask yourself why you need to be the winner, or right, or in any way acknowledged by others.  Do you need validation because you do not really believe in yourself?  Do you need others to love you in order to love yourself?  Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" talks about this phenomenon.  If you can really let go of your ego, you can get out of your own way and start to see true change in your life.  The ego serves no purpose in moving us forward in life.  It is the cause of our pain and anxiety.  Letting go of the need for others to acknowledge you is very freeing.  Ask yourself why you need that, and you will soon see that you do not really need it at all.

The next time you find yourself saying something like "I guess this is just how it is,"  stop and ask yourself, "Is this what I really want?"  and if your answer is no, you have the power to change it.  Step out of the fear and see your choices start to shift your reality.  Do something risky and different.  Above all, make choices based on LOVE, and it will always be the right choice.  If your intentions are to love yourself, and others, there is nothing bad that can come of that.  It may not always go as you thought it would, but in the end, it will be the truth.

....'Cause you had a bad day

January 9, 2013 I wrote this a year and a half ago, and I am happy to report that I no longer have these kinds of days.  I consider this a HUGE step and really love the validation that comes from reading it.  Thank you to all who have been a part of this shift for me!

June 21, 2011

Today started out in a promising way, just like any other day.  However, it soon became clear that the shifting that has been slowly sliding me downhill was going to take me very quickly into that lower realm.  It started with another argument with my mother, about truth.  Her truth is different than mine, but she insists it is “fact”.  I keep telling her that neither of us is wrong, but she can’t make her truth my fact.  This baffles her and we go around in circles endlessly.  I finally realize that I have to let her think I agree with her before we can move on.  It is slightly like arguing with a child only I am constrained by my desire to pay her the respect and homage that I feel she deserves.

Update:  My mother and I have now eased into a very rewarding, loving relationship, and I actually look forward to talking with her now.  Mom, if you are reading this, thank you for being the best mom a girl could have!  You are my number one supporter and I love you!

I then have to call the credit card company and ask for them to lower my interest rates, as I am not working and I really want to pay the card off, so them charging me 25% interest is counterproductive.  After going through 15 minutes of questioning, and answering a lot of personal financial questions, I am told they don’t have that “available” for me.  REALLY?????  I hold back my biting remark and hang up the phone.

Update: I stopped paying my bill a few months later, and I plan to pay it all back as soon as I can, but their lack of willingness to work with me at the point when I needed it, made the decision to stop paying, that much easier for me. Thank you, big corporations that care nothing about the consumer:) 

I then set off to pick up my son from school. On the way in, I watch a woman park her car in front of someone’s driveway, and I point this out to her.  She waves it off, saying, “I’ll just be 5 minutes”.  I come out 25 minutes later and her car is still there.  I stop myself from calling the parking enforcement, telling myself, “It’s none of my business”.  Why does it piss me off so much????

Update:  This still makes me cringe when I see little "injustices" in the world, but more and more I can trust that I do not need to get involved and fight everyone's battles for them.  I know that I have my hands full with my own boundaries and issues.  Not to say that I would not stand up for someone if I saw them being mistreated, but on issues like this, where the other person is responsible for setting the boundary, I have to let people learn their own lessons.  

The last straw comes when I arrive back home, coughing and sick (as I have been for the past 3 weeks), and my son and his friend are playing a video game, ignoring the fact that I asked him 4 hours ago to please do the dishes so that I can start dinner when I get home.  I remind him and he waves me away, saying, “I’ll get to it”.  I bite back my response, not wanting to embarrass him in front of his friend, but an hour later, when he still hasn’t done it, I raise my voice and remind him AGAIN.  “Mom!  Stop bugging me!”  I LOSE IT.

Update: My son and I had a heart to heart talk after this incident, and he felt really badly for his part in my "bad day".  He is only 18 and still learning how to interpret and respond to other's feelings.  We came up with a system for preventing these types of situations in the future, and it is much better now.  Additionally, we found and treated the mold problem in our house, so I have not been sick again:)

This is the part of the story where I go into my room and cry.  But about 10 minutes into that, I realize, this is my life. So I wipe away my tears and go into the kitchen and start dinner.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Conclusion:  As I have learned to set boundaries and stop taking responsibility for everyone else, my life has gotten much calmer.  My book was a culmination of all I learned from these experiences, and many many more that were similar.  My most fervent wish is that I can help all of you never have this kind of day either! 

What do YOU think?

Wow, Welcome to the year 2013.  I don't know about you, but I am excited for the promise it brings.  I have been working on making lots of changes, and I think many of you are moving into a place where you can share more of yourself with others, and release the fear that has kept us isolated for so long.  A few nights ago, I had a dream, which I felt was the culmination of many things, but the message was very clear:  Focus more on ME, and stop giving my power away. The Dream:

I found myself in a beautiful castle, decorated with many tapestries and luxurious items, each room more pleasing than the next.  I became aware that, while I did live here, none of the rooms were MINE.  I began to search diligently for a door that would lead to what belonged to me, and I eventually found myself with my hand on a doorknob that I knew led to the basement.  I opened it, and as I descended, the glow was palpable.  I was reminded of Aladdin's cave, as my eyes took in jewels, gold, and piles of treasures, as far as the eye could see!  I knew within the depths of my soul that THIS was MY ESSENCE.  My entire house/life had been spent asking others, "What do you think, what do you want?," and this had resulted in a house/life that, while beautiful, was not my truth.  As I stood in awe of my very pure and original essence, I realized that I had never before truly known my essence, untainted by others' expectations or ideas for me.  I had let my need to "heal" or "help" others, get in the way of what I needed to do for myself!  I bowed my head in gratitude and vowed to myself to always put myself first, from this day forward.  In love, I would give myself my essence, and others are welcome to share it, but no one can take it.

My life has taught me many things, and I am grateful for each lesson that I have learned, for they have been my stepping stones for where I have landed today, which I am eternally grateful for.  My work is not done, by any means, but I know that I have begun a new path today, and from here on out, I will honor myself FIRST, for my pure essence is what I must always nourish.  I am a healer, and I know this is on my path of purpose, but I can heal others from a place of love for myself, instead of giving myself away.  To share your essence and honor your truth is the greatest love of all, is it not?

Happy 2013, wishing you all the best for this next year, and beyond!  Namaste.

Are we having fun yet?

No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you will find yourself feeling sad, or anxious, or even depressed. I was talking with a friend the other day, saying, "I feel like a fraud! I wrote a book on how to be happy, and I am NOT happy today." She pointed out, "No one is happy ALL the time, that's scary!" I realized that the human experience is about all of us, and that includes emotions of all kinds. As we interact with people and circumstances around us, there will always be challenges and obstacles. That is the nature of life, and the entire human experience. The difference between being happy, or sad, or anything else, is in how you handle it. Do you allow one experience to ruin your day? Do you allow one person to make your life miserable? This is an important distinction. When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you scream and yell and stay mad for an hour? Do you call a friend and vent to them about it? Or, do you have a little anger flare up and then let it go? I have noticed, that in the past year, my newfound contentment has allowed me to let things go much more quickly. I don't stay in the hurt as long. A recent painful experience with another person caused me to shed a few tears and feel very hurt. But, I was able to meditate and release the negativity, therefore, allowing me to process what happened, and even though I am still very sad about it, I am not storing it inside my body and feeding off the hurt it caused. I now have the ability to move through it, get under it, and use it as a lesson.

Most of us are moving through life, balanced on a tenuous thread of emotion. A lot of us have experienced so much pain that we have become bitter and cynical. What we don't realize is that we have become the very thing that hurt us in the beginning. We sit atop our castle of pain, with a sniper rifle, waiting for the next person who comes along. As soon as they do anything that could be construed as offensive, BAM! They are now the enemy, and we can proclaim to all the world that we have slain another "bad person."

The problem with this is that we do not give anyone a chance to get past that gate, because we are too afraid to trust. We exist behind our pain, and it is very lonely. We are "safe", but at what cost? Do you really want to live your life in pain? The only way to get past this hurdle is to start taking chances, and come down from your perch. As hard as it is, you must slowly start to trust that not every single person is out to get you. A couple of years ago, I was in this place. I had been so hurt and betrayed that I didn't even trust myself to talk to people. So, I became withdrawn and isolated. I built up walls to protect myself, and I healed. In the recent year, I had to force myself to smile at people. At first, it felt fake. But gradually, people began to respond positively, and I expanded into talking to people. Now, I can smile and speak to strangers without any fear. Sometimes, people are still rude and hateful, but they are the exception. Most people will treat you the way you treat them. And this is where I want to live.

Wishing you all the very best of holidays! Say Hello to someone new today:)

Are you RIGHT?

I don't know of anyone who wakes up and says to themselves "I'm going to do the WRONG thing today".  Even Ted Bundy had a justification for why he did what he did.  So tell me, why would you assume that the person who cut you off in traffic had a personal vendetta against YOU?  We all have reasons and justifications for the things we do.  Sometimes, we can even admit that what we DID was wrong, but think about it:  Would you pursue a course of action if you really thought it was the wrong thing to do?  I don't think our minds would allow us to do that.  It's not humanly possible.

Next time someone does something that causes your anger to surface, ask yourself if you think they purposely tried to make you upset.  If the answer is no, then perhaps you can ask questions instead of making accusations.  When you launch into a full scale attack to an unsuspecting individual, you are now the one who is creating the problem.  Instead, you could ask, "What did you mean by that?"  or "That makes me feel uneasy" and see what the response is.  If they really ARE trying to make you upset, then maybe you can ask yourself if you are willing to give them control of your emotions and let them pass you the "pain baton", as I have discussed in my earlier post.  And, as far as the person who cut you off in traffic, let's go ahead and assume that he is in a hurry because his wife just called and wants him to stop at the store on the way home to pick up medication for their sick child.  Because, you really don't know anyone else's situation, and does it serve you to sit in your car and fume?  Maybe your focus on that car in front of you will cause you to cut someone off, and the wave continues.

When you step outside of your ego, and really think about it, other people are generally just trying to get through their day, believing that they are right, and good people.  We ALL want to be right.  Just make sure that you are not more concerned with being right, than being accurate.  Taking a deep breath and asking questions is the best way to let everyone come out with a good feeling, and pass along the "love baton".

Let love prevail!

Perfection Smerfection

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect."  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out."  I also get accused of being "too sensitive."  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency. I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect," this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be?

You are HERE

You may have heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment."  I'd like to offer you a different perspective on this topic.  When I first heard of this idea, I was bound tightly to scheduling and planning, which left me anxious and in a state of constant worry.  A friend suggested that I try to "live in the moment," which was met with extreme skepticism from my analytic brain.  Over the past couple of years, I have researched this topic, taking note that there are as many interpretations as there are people. One of the most popular interpretations seems to be prevalent among younger people, as well as those with Peter Pan complexes.  This involves no planning of any kind, making no commitments, and usually depends on the fact that another person pays the bills.  Each choice is made without any thought, and many times without any consideration for others.  This lifestyle choice is rarely possible past the age of 18, but I certainly know of older people who have chosen this for themselves.  I know of one young man who declares to anyone who asks, "I'm homeless, I don't want a job!"  This statement is normally followed by a request for money, or some other favor.  He feels as if responsibilities are "too intense" and prefers to sleep on the beach.  This would be an extreme example of "living in the moment."

The more middle of the road approach to this philosophy is where most people arrive.  They have jobs, contribute to society, and usually have families.  They make plans and commitments, considering others, as well as themselves.  The one source of stress for them is the future.  You hear things like, "I can't wait until Friday!" or even "I can't wait until vacation!"  This is all very common, so none of us think much of it.  However, I have observed, that while you are focused on the future, even if it is just a day away, you are missing out on important things happening RIGHT NOW.  When you are having a "bad day" it is very tempting to block it out, and focus on a time when "things will be better."  I used to tell myself, "It's darkest before the dawn," and in this way, I was able to pull myself out of depression and "make it."  However, I have recently started really focusing on not missing a single minute of my life, and I find that escaping those low moments cheated me out of a lot of my experiences, and lessons resulting from them.

The best example of this for me was when my kids were born.  I remember being up sleepless nights, changing diapers, breastfeeding difficulties, and many other things which, at the time, I considered to be unpleasant.  I couldn't wait for them to grow up and be independent so I could get some sleep and do my own thing!  Well, I got what I wished for, 17 years later.  My oldest son is going off to college soon, and he spends his time doing just about anything but hanging with me.  He is a great kid, and I miss him.  I think about those nights when he had a high temperature and I had to get in a tepid bath with him to bring it down.  I think about all the days we spent at the park together, and I wanted to talk to my friends but he begged me to push him on the swings.  It's all equally precious to me, NOW.  I wish I had appreciated it more THEN.

When you live in the future, or even the past, you are missing your life.  You are missing the lessons, and the grateful heart you will have when things go well, because you were in the trenches when things weren't going as you hoped.  When things don't go as planned for me, I am thankful that I can be open to the fact that I may not know as much as the Creator.  My plan for myself is limited to what I know, and to live a life without limits and expectations is what I want.  I am at peace with the fact that every experience has value, and I don't want to miss any of it.

"Enjoy this moment, it is your life" ~ Way of The Peaceful Warrior

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy."  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that? My ex boyfriend is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet night of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Be good to yourself

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are told, "Be nice!" Usually, this involves smiling and ignoring another's rude or offensive behavior. I ask you, why do we need to allow this type of behavior, and further, why are we discouraged from standing up for ourselves?

I witnessed a prime example of this the other day in line at the grocery store. We were all lined up to wait our turn, when a lady with a full cart walked past all of us, and started unloading her cart at the front register. I had already secured my place at the back register, but I turned to the woman behind me and asked, "Why don't you say something to her?" To which she replied, "I don't want to be rude." I was aghast, "SHE is being rude to YOU!" To which the woman appeared uncomfortable and looked down. I looked at the checker and we both shrugged. Why are we so afraid to stand up for what is right? Especially when it is our personal space that is being invaded? If it were me (and it has been many times), I would have politely gone up to the lady and said, "Excuse me, we are all waiting in line, the back of the line is here". Most of the time, people are embarrassed, because they simply do not know. Most people are not trying to be rude, and appreciate when someone gives them a gentle reminder. You don't need to be aggressive and confrontational.

The saddest example of this is when a child is abused. As I have said before, this has happened to me, and I was always "nice" to the men who invaded my most personal space. I never wanted to "offend" them, and I was being a "good girl" for going along with what they wanted. I was taught to think of others before myself, which ended up in disaster for me personally. Years later, in therapy, I was asked, "Why didn't you say no, or tell them to stop?" and my answer was always the same, "I didn't want them to be mad at me." I was literally willing to sacrifice the most precious part of my female body in order to "be nice." And that is where we have to draw the line. We can not allow people to abuse us, even if they get mad, and call us names (which has certainly happened to me in recent history). We have to feel confident in standing up for ourselves, because, if we don't, we are disrespecting the most important person, ourselves. If it makes me a "bitch" to tell someone that I do not like to be yelled at, or spoken to in an abusive manner, then, so be it. I will not allow myself to be invaded any longer, in the name of "being nice."

It is my most fervent wish that we can teach our next generation to say no in a kind manner. People seem to think that to say no is to be mean. This is not true. You can politely decline any invitations which do not suit you. When a solicitor came to the door, I politely said, "No thank you", and my kids hear this, which gives them comfort in saying, "No thank you" when they are offered drugs, or asked to compare body parts, or whatever the case may be. I am hoping that my example will empower them to say no in a way which is compassionate and understanding. I hear my teenager having these conversations with his peers and I am so proud of him. I hear him standing up for himself without being rude, and he is well liked at school, yet he does not "party" at all. Instead of teaching our kids to "be nice" to everyone but themselves, why can we not teach them to respect themselves, as well as others?

Abundance for all

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful." Again, this is an extreme, which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%." Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself." If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all," and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it." By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing," or even "obsessing," but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it." Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!

Life after death

I have been spending a great deal of time and energy on sadness these last few weeks. A friend took his life in a violent way, and the ripple effect is felt, even though we had not spoken in quite some time. He was always a bit of a lost soul, tortured and sweet, all at once. Most were not even aware of his ongoing inward battle, but I have a sixth sense for this, as I myself experienced it at one point in my life. The day that I died was the best day of my life. Obviously, it was not a permanent state for me, and when I woke up in the hospital bed, I knew that I had been given a second chance. The universe had a plan for me that was bigger than my desire. At that time, I was an empty shell of a person, and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My strongest desires were to drink and party, escaping the endless turmoil, which rolled inside me constantly. The point where I decided I had nothing left to live for was my restart button. For my friend, it was the point where he finally escaped his pain. The family and friends who are left behind are now bearing his pain, and in many ways, this seems unfair. Suicide is a very selfish act, because it leaves an imprint so strong that the people who bear it, are often unable to move past it. It shapes their lives in ways which creates a self destructive pattern of guilt and fear. When decisions are made in this space, they are following a path of destruction and self punishment.

Having been on the other side of this path, I can now see the crater of emotions which is left. Looking for the positive almost seems irreverent. However, I can tell you, having been the person trying to leave the planet at one time, the suicide victim does not want others to feel sad for them. Leaving the planet is all about them feeling better, it is not about making others feel worse. I know that my friend would want everyone to remember him as a happy, playful person, and his intent was always to make others happy. He ultimately felt helpless to do this, and he gave up. To him, this was the only option left. The pain of death was a release.

To this day, I feel that my death was my awakening. I was able to make peace with all those I needed to, and it turned my life around. I'm not sure I would have ever ventured as far off my then current path as I have now, which has resulted in many positive events in my life. It pushed my mind to expand in ways which I never even knew possible. I am grateful that I can sit here and write this with joy and gratitude to the universe for providing me with all the information I need to succeed in my human existence.

In death, there is rebirth. Namaste.

Times of Change

I have been hearing a lot from my close circle of friends lately, that many people are struggling. As this is the age of social media, I don't see it on my Facebook page, and I started wondering if I was the "only one" having these feelings of sadness and depression. I realized that most of us don't reach out to others when we are feeling sad. We have been programmed to only attempt communication when we are happy, or else others "won't like us." I have definitely been called "dramatic," and told to "chill" when I am upset. These are just forms of invalidation, and we must be very careful that we are not using them to avoid our own feelings. When others are in pain, we must also look at our own pain, and this is hard. It is easier to tell them "relax," and laugh it off, than to listen, and therefore have to reflect on our own pain and unanswered questions. Depression is "catching" in that way, however, I like to look at it as opportunities for me to see something about myself that otherwise I might not want to look at.

I am always saddened when my feelings end relationships. In times of conflict, relationships either fall away, or are strengthened by adversity. However, some people are simply in too much of their own pain to recognize how to separate theirs from yours. When I find myself saying, "That person hurt me," I can then look at what part of me resonates with that. In order for their words or actions to hurt me, I must have given them an opening. When I say that, it is almost always unconscious. When I wrote of the "walking wounded" a while back, this is what I meant. We all have emotional injuries which are constantly effecting our decisions. This, in turn, sends us in a direction which steers us away from the areas which are painful. And unfortunately, that often results in having shallow, unfulfilling relationships. When you are on the right path, there are always going to be bumps in the road. But when you have your internal vision set on your ultimate goal, you will not be deterred for any reason.

When someone tells me, "You don't have any problems," I am always surprised. Others see us so differently because they do not know our innermost feelings. I'm not sure if this is helpful, or harmful. I'm not going to start wearing a shirt that lists all my insecurities and problems, but I am also not really willing to continue with the false bravado and automatic replies which belie my true self. If you ask me how I am, I may not say "fine." I don't expect to have a 3 hour conversation about it, but I think it's time for us to stop denying our true feelings, just to make others more comfortable. In fact, I think it is starting to have the opposite effect, if what I am hearing is accurate. The flip side is that I do not need to have a strong reaction if someone tells me they are not fine. I can always spare time for a quick hug and a few words of encouragement. If we are not uncomfortable with our own feelings, maybe we can work towards being open to all the feelings of others. We spend more time worrying about hurting each other's feelings than honoring our own, and this is a losing game for all involved.

If you see me out and about, and I look sad, do what works for you. But please don't ask me how I am if you do not REALLY want to know. I'm ok with it either way!!!! Wishing you all peace and contentment on this beautiful Sunday.