No pain, no gain?

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he was clearly suffering from some recent events, yet he insisted that he was "fine" and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to be "tough" and minimize his feelings, since most people don't want to hear anything that is perceived to be negative. Men are raised to be ridiculed for letting sadness show, and it seems that anger and happiness are the only truly accepted emotion for a man. For a woman, she is even more limited, as she may not show anger, but is allowed to be sad or happy. Excitement is optional but frowned upon in both sexes, unless it is in a very controlled amount. Do you know people who adhere to these ridiculous rules of society? Are they happy and well adjusted? Or are they keeping their emotions bottled up for fear of shame and ridicule from others?

Pain is there to show us what we need to work on. If you are trying to make a decision, and one choice is painful, but the other is not, look closely. Often the painful choice is the right one. It just throws us out of our comfort zone and this is unfamiliar territory. It is a challenge to ask yourself the hard questions, and many of us will choose to deaden our emotions by distracting ourselves with addictions or other vices. This comes in many forms, the most common ones are drinking and drugs, and the gamut runs all the way to over exercising, over working, and even over socializing. When you keep yourself out of pain, you are also locking away that information which can teach you things about yourself and move you forward. I hear how busy people are, and these are also the people who "don't have time for (fill in the blank)." Looking more closely, these people are hiding from their fear of themselves. If you do not have time to sit and be still every day, you are missing out on something very important: YOU. If you hear yourself apologizing over and over again for not following through, that is important information, as you are likely not making time for yourself, either.

A few years back, after my divorce, I had no idea who I was. If you asked me what I liked, I would not know. I decided to take myself on dates, and made a list of things that I liked to do alone. The list was very short at first, but now it has grown to the point where I don't really even need it. I love being alone, and I also love to be with friends. It really doesn't matter what I do, since I am always there:) Focusing on being present has really helped to enrich my life and slow me down. I also have a deeper appreciation for the people in my life who really are there for me, and I can give them my undivided attention when we are together. Next time you are having a conversation with someone, focus on what they are saying, and really LISTEN. You will find a much more peaceful place and you can often learn a lot by just being still and observing. Think about what they are saying, without thinking about what you are going to say next. Let it flow and let it be.

"Sadness is not the absence of happiness" ~ Matt Kahn ~

Crushed

In the past few months, I have often used the descriptive term "feeling crushed," to describe my life. It seems that even my best laid plans often go awry, and I am left feeling directionless and confused. I really have two choices in these situations, to accept these messages from the universe, or not. In the past, I might have let my control issues overtake me, and forced certain things to happen, most often with an outcome that was less than desirable.

Instead, I have decided to breathe. I have decided to take the messages that disappointment gives me, and use it to decide upon my path. Sometimes that means not doing anything at all, and waiting for another message that directs me into the right area. This is the single most difficult thing I have done, to let go and wait. My life has been structured around knowing what is going to happen, and never trusting anything or anyone. I have to recognize that this has not worked out for me. I certainly have no regrets, but to really move forward, I have to let go of that pattern and trust. Trust that God, or the universe, or whatever you choose to put your faith in, will send me in the right direction and bring me in contact with the people and things that will make my life amazing and all that I have wished and hoped for.

Loving yourself and making choices based on that is really the only way to be sure that you are on your path. If you have people in your life who are toxic, but you are afraid to let them go, because of obligation, or fear of loneliness, you are not putting yourself first. Even family obligations can be released and restructured. Pain in these situations is really just your indication that what you are doing is very important. The pain that I am feeling today is my lesson and my opportunity to grow, and breathe. This is my life and I trust that I will receive all that I deserve.

Wishing you all love, light, and healing. Namaste.

Honesty and other pitfalls

Everyone likes to declare themselves as "honest" and asks you to also be "honest" with them. I have learned, over the years, that most people do NOT want you to be honest with them. If you tell someone that their new haircut is really not working for them, they do not like this. Most people will only tell you the "honest truth" if it is what you want to hear. Otherwise, things will get uncomfortable very quickly. The most difficult area of honesty is in relationships. Most of us have stayed in relationships, at least once, because we didn't want to "hurt the other person." This is perhaps the most dangerous of all situations, since it is destined to hurt a LOT of people, including yourself.

My friend was very upset today about the fact that his girlfriend of a few years broke up with him, telling him she, "hadn't loved him for a while." I asked him, "This tells you that she was really trying not to hurt your feelings." He was hurt because she rejected him, and she knew that he would be, so she put it off as long as possible, until she literally could not stand to be in the relationship anymore. She broke up with him and was in another guy's arms that night. My friend was hurt, but he probably would have been less hurt if she had told him right away. I can't tell you how many times I have done this, and also had it happen to me. It's human nature to stay in a familiar place and "keep the peace." No one truly enjoys confrontation, and we will go to great lengths to avoid it, but in the end, we end up hurt, and hurting others, MORE than if we would have just been honest with ourselves and others right away. The other side of this is how you react when someone is actually up front with you about something. I had a guy friend who wanted to be more than friends, and he made this clear to me on several occasions. He kept trying to get me to go out with him, and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't. I didn't want to "hurt his feelings" by telling him how I really felt, so this continued for a little while. I finally gave in and went out with him, and at the end of the date, I told him I really just wanted to be friends and wasn't interested in anything more. He got violently angry and accused me of using him, among other things. I was shocked at his reaction and asked him if he would like me to date him out of obligation. He became even more incensed and stalked off, never to be heard from again. Now please tell me, what did I do "wrong" here??? I'm sure he went around and told everyone that I was a horrible person for some reason, and got all of them to agree with him. But in the end, I was happy to have him out of my life, and I honestly don't feel I did anything wrong, except perhaps I should have told him immediately that I wasn't interested.

When someone is brave enough to be truly honest with you, ask yourself why you are hurt. Is it your ego that feels rejected? I always tell my kids, "I don't like everyone, and not everyone likes me, and that is fine both ways." Do not let yourself fall into the trap of basing your self worth on how others feel about you. I have many amazing people in my life, and I am also blissfully unaware of those who do not "like" me. We are all on different paths and have different goals. Some people are very unhappy and looking to blame others, while some are so far buried in the self pity and punishment that they are not open to love or acceptance from others. I wish everyone well but I do not want negativity in my life, so I will avoid those who are stuck in that.

May you all find other souls who are on your path and support you where you are, as well as where you are going. Namaste.

Father's Day 2011

On this 19th day of June, year 2011, I reflect back onto my life and relationship with the man who helped bring me into this world. He is a "good" man, active in the community and church, and provided for our family as best he could. At times, this meant we ate potatoes for dinner night after night, but he never sat at home idly. He went to school, he worked, he prayed. Some of my earliest memories were of he and I fishing on a lake, just the two of us, and even though, to this day I can not look at certain types of fish without gagging, cleaning and gutting them was part of this ritual and I can say it added to my life experiences. My dad was my hero in my early years, and he worked in the hospital, saving lives, and I would sit on his lap and listen intently as he described to me in great detail how motorcycles were the most dangerous things you could ride. To this day I have a fear of those machines, but it hasn't stopped me from riding them.

My relationship with my father began to crumble when trusted family friend molested me, and I realized that all men were a threat to me. Unfortunately, my mother's refusal to accept this as truth sent me deeper into the hole which I was to dig for myself at the ripe old age of 6. My father was confused as to why I wouldn't sit on his lap anymore, and I was too scared to tell him. You see, I had also experienced his anger, and it was something I would never seek to incite. The television was thrown into the back yard, and anything that wasn't nailed down became fair game for hurling across the room. Many nights I sought refuge behind the sofa with my brothers, crying as silently as possible, so that he would not find us. My brothers were scared to hide with me since I could not contain my tears for long. I was terrified in my own home, and I was 7.

As I grew older, I learned to protect myself with anger, also, and never allowed anyone to really get close to me, as my fear had not been allowed to surface yet. The day I graduated high school, I moved out, and never looked back. For years I moved around, trying to escape the stench of my fear and anger, and I finally ended up in therapy. It took me years to get to the point where I could make peace with myself, and a few more to make peace with my family, but here I sit, with my own family, and I look back on those years as building blocks for where I am now. Yes, it was painful, but it got me here, and I am a strong, confident woman. I could not have done it without those experiences.

In this way I am thankful for my father. We have reached an understanding and I do not harbor any ill will towards him. He did his best, and he is my father. Even though our relationship is extremely tenuous, and we were never able to regain that closeness we had when I was young, I still love him. In my phone call to him, I will remind him of all the happy memories, and I will thank him for being the best father he knew how to be. It does not serve me to hold on to any bitterness or resentment. I have reached a place of peace within myself which has nothing to do with anyone else, and no one can take it from me. I am reminded of a song I learned long ago, "It is well with my soul." Yes, indeed, it is.

Fear vs. Flying

I have recently lost some friends who I used to call "close." I trusted these friendships to weather any storm and any disagreement. Imagine my shock and dismay when, the moment I disagreed with the advice I was being given, these so called friends instantly cut me off and are no longer speaking to me. It makes me scared and mistrustful and this is not a comfortable place for me. I have long since refused to live in fear and I will not start now! I have to believe that standing up for myself is always a good thing, otherwise I am allowing abusive people in my life. This falls into the category of "living in fear."

When you allow fear to make your decisions for you, it tends to produce results which will keep you in the same place for many years. For instance, if I allow my fear of being alone to dictate how I express my feelings, I will always have friends who are not "real." This is not any more clear to me than it is right now. I'm scared of not having any friends, but you know what is scarier? Having friends who don't respect me or my opinions, and refuse to accept my individuality. It also allows negative energy into my space and keeps me from truly stretching my wings and flying as high as I can imagine. I have realized that these negative, toxic people, who will forever remain in their fear, have kept me with them because I have not challenged that in them. I want more for myself than drudgery and failure. I want to be truly happy and prosperous, and have people in my life who respect me and encourage me in a positive, supportive way. If that is not you, I wish you the best, I truly do, but I can not stay here anymore. It is sucking the life out of me. And that I can not allow anymore. Please do not take it personally, as I do not take it personally when you push me away for "being weird," or "being bitchy," or whatever it is you need to tell yourself to make it easier to continue your existence. I'm DONE with it.

Authors note, October 2012:  This is more of a "rant" than a "blog," and I debated whether or not to keep it up, but I do think it shows my growth and it was written during a particularly painful period of my life, so I hope it resonates with you in a positive way:)

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "a good friend", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are likely the exact opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun," as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just lost my job," is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

The Journey

As my path becomes illuminated, what is within me is awakened. I see things clearly for the first time in this lifetime and I wonder what is beyond this?There is very little that touches you in the deepest place as truth does. Do not take lightly the stirrings of pain. I am left to wonder if my tears of joy are also tears of pain, and is this the same thing? It is merging and stretching to become a glossy pond of continuity. And yet the fear and sadness that comes along with this realization is also continual. Does my growth always have to cause pain for others? Does my growth always have to cause pain for me?

This is my journey and I am the only one who has to go all the way. Others may join me for a time but none have been or will be with me the entire time.

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this!" whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something! Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing," be a human "being." Wise words. Namaste.

Mother's Day 2011

When I was born, I was the girl my parents always wanted, after three boys. My brothers were wary of me, since I was welcomed in such a different way than my predecessors. They were to use me as their human guinea pig for many years to come, and the verdict was, "Yep, she cried. I guess that firecracker between the toe is painful."  My mother was overwhelmed and underpaid, as she was a typical housewife, with four kids to wrangle. We were expected to go to church three times a week, and not bother my mother, or we would get a spanking when my dad got home. If he walked in to us fighting, we were likely to go to bed without eating dinner. The first time I tried a cigarette (and threw up) at the encouragement of my brother, I tried to tell my mother but was hushed quickly, "That must have been a dream, your brother would never do anything like that." I learned that anything I told my mother was likely to get this response, unless it was good news. If I was hurt, or sad, or confused, I was to go to my room and not come out until I "was happy again." I idolized my mother, as she seemed to be able to always be happy, and not let anything or anyone make her upset.  As a child, I wished I could be like her, and always smile, no matter what happened. I began to write when I was 5 or 6, and I would hide my book under my pillow, so that anytime I had a problem, I escaped to my room and wrote, or read, until it went away. My mother used to tell me to "Stop reading and go outside!" but it was the only way that I could be sure that no one would hurt me. I would read for days on end, and it became my escape. The city librarian knew me by name, and became exasperated with me after I had read "everything in the children's section." She sent me upstairs at the ripe old age of 7, where I discovered the much larger world of young adult literature. I was set free in this wonderland, and thus began my adult education. From time to time, my mother would ask me what I was reading, and I almost always lied, since she would not have liked me reading "Goodbye Mr. Chips" at 8 years old. As the years have turned into decades, I have realized that my mother was genuinely doing her best to hold it together for us. As I have grown, and am now also a mother, she and I have come to a certain understanding about our relationship. I do not judge her or hold her accountable for my life's struggles. I thank her for her part in what made me the woman I am today. Though unwittingly, she helped me develop tools for life, and, I am happy to report that I have discovered a certain amount of inner peace. Knowing that hers was born out of the same instinct as mine, self preservation, is somewhat enlightening. There seems to be a very fine line between inner peace and insanity, and while she may have skirted the edge of that gap for some time, I think she and I have found a place where we can both exist in our own form of peace. So Happy Mother's Day, to all of you, and to my mom, who I respect and love with all my heart.

Living in your Truth

As I welcome spring this year, I am reminded of the fact that I am yes, another year older. With age comes a certain amount of wisdom that only living your life can bring. I am happy to report that I have suffered what I believe to be a sufficient amount this past year. Meaning, that I can now let a lot of things go, that I previously could not. I used to think it was "phony" - Holden Caulfield would be appalled - to be kind to those who I disliked. I now find myself giving others more compassion, and yes, kindness. There are those who I would not choose to spend time with, yet find myself in situations with them time and time again. My boys learn from me, and so I must tread softly when speaking of others with them. Recently, my sons learned of an impending grandparent's visit. As we discussed how we would entertain them, my youngest son, Sam, spoke up. "I don't like them!" to which I replied, "That's fine. But they are your grandparents, and they love you, and we need to be kind and gracious to them since they are flying out here to see us." We had a very interesting discussion where my teenager actually spoke some very wise words. "Sam", he said, "they are nice people, and even though we don't have much in common with them, they deserve to be treated with respect and love. They are only here for two days, and we can adjust our lives for that amount of time to include them." All I could do was nod in agreement. I was blown away by this 16 year old's wisdom. And just like that, I realized, we all have wisdom. No matter what your age, or station in life, you have experiences which guide you to make decisions and judgements.

Everyone deserves respect, and there is a fine line between allowing others to abuse you, and setting respectful boundaries. Refusing to engage with people on the abusive level naturally weeds out those who you do not need in your life. It is not being "mean" to politely decline a dinner invitation, or god forbid, a Facebook friend request. In the end, you are being genuine by graciously letting the other person know that you are not interested in their friendship. If we were all a little less scared of hurting feelings, and a little more confident in our OWN feelings, I truly believe the world would be a better place.

Happy Spring, 2011!!!!! Namaste.

Confessions of a recovered anorexic

As long as I can remember, I have been aware of calories, and fat, and how much is "proper for a lady" to eat, and how much is NOT. I have also been aware of all the ways in which I could fail to attract the attention of a man, be it my round hips, my full breasts, or my muscular thighs. I grew up in the 70's and 80's, when, if you didn't look on the brink of starvation, you were undesirable. I learned to enjoy hunger, and became alarmingly anorexic. I ended up in the hospital, 97 pounds, near death, and I was very pleased with myself. I had done what I needed to do in order to be accepted by my peers and society. Then the therapy started, and I slowly became aware of the fact that I was actually destroying my health. I became obsessed with every health and diet fad that came out, determined that I would force my shapely body into the boy shape I so desperately wanted. I was convinced that THIS was the key to my happiness. For many years, I was thin to the point where people would ridicule me, yet, shockingly, I was not happy or fulfilled. As the years passed, I went through all of life's trials and gradually started to overcome my anorexic tendencies. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was concerned that my baby would be harmed if I did not eat exactly what I was supposed to, so a new obsession was born: being perfect nutritionally. This manifested in the way that I judged others for eating the "wrong" things, and, of course, I judged myself the most harshly. If I missed a day at the gym, I was depressed for a week.  If I ate a cookie, I would spiral into failure mode. As my child grew, it became clear that he was blessed with my curvy figure, and the cycle continued. I fed him what I believed to be the "perfect" diet, yet he still was chubby. Doctors visits would send me home in tears. I had failed my child as well as myself. When I became pregnant for the second time, I gave up. I ate everything in sight, and tested positive for gestational diabetes. When my second son was born, I was 200 pounds. I was miserable and depressed.

When Sam turned 2, I decided to start over. I started seeing a trainer, and he was kind and non-judgmental, and the weight dropped off. I lost 60 pounds and filed for divorce. I became interested in partying again, and the bars kept me from having to be alone at night, when the kids were with their dad. This phase was to last 2 years, and then, one day, I realized that I was on the fast track to nowhere, and I began to spend less and less time drinking, and more time with myself. Cooking and baking had always been a passion of mine, and I began to experiment with this again. As I rose up out of the ashes of my marriage, my old friend, obsession, resurfaced. I had kept most of the weight off, but it was creeping back up, and I felt it start to overtake me again. I spent the next year gathering information on every diet and nutritional fad I could, and, in the end, I had gained more weight. I spent more time at the gym, and obsessed over every calorie, and yet STILL I was heavy. I felt discouraged and painfully close to giving up again.

About this time, I had been attending meditation classes for a year or so, and I started to feel as if I was close to a big discovery. I suffered some painful losses through relationships, yet gained knowledge from each of them. One day, as I prowled the aisles of the local health food store, a thought stopped me in my tracks. "I am healthy, strong, and active. I take care of myself, I respect myself, and yet I am still not skinny. Maybe this is how I am supposed to look!" As I pondered over this thought for the next month or so, I slowly shifted my reality. I don't want people in my life that judge me for how I look. The most important thing is to love myself, and care for my body in a way that nurtures it. Food and exercise are about function, NOT looking good. What I eat should make me feel great, and fuel me for whatever I want to do, whether it be a walk on the beach, power yoga, snowboarding, or even just playing with my son. I do not want to live my life sitting on the couch, therefore I must fuel myself appropriately.

Food is not the enemy, and it is also not your friend. Food is fuel, pure and simple. If you find yourself looking for comfort, go for a walk, read a good book, or watch a movie with a snuggle buddy (my cat is great at snuggling:) Punishing ourselves with what is meant for fuel is the fastest way to destroy ourselves. In the end, what you eat is not nearly as important as how you feel about yourself, and what could be more important than the deep love and gratitude that comes from within? I welcome you to share my journey, and let us learn from each other. Namaste.

Intentions and living in the moment

Last week, I went on a date with a man, very nice, but not for me. As I walked to my car, I thought of my good friend Maria. She would like him! However, he seemed interested in me, and I decided to wait and see what happened. I have not heard from him since, so today, when I ran into Maria, I told her about him. I texted him her number, and voila! They are going out. Everyone wins! Last year, I witnessed two very young children walking home alone. I was concerned, so I followed them home. They let themselves in to an empty house, and I called the school. I was concerned for the safety of the children, and didn't know the parents well enough to call them. The mother was furious with me, and apparently I am a "troublemaker", as she told the child's teacher. The principal pulled me aside and asked me to please call the police the next time I was concerned, as the school could do very little in this case. I let it go, and gave it up to the universe. If I saw anything about the kids that concerned me again, I would call. Today, as I drove my 16 year old home from school, we saw the younger of the two children walking home by himself. My son expressed great concern, and I wrestled with the decision. Finally, after my son told me if I did not call, he would, I called. The future holds the outcome, and I pray that the boy is all right.

In both these situations, intention plays a large part. I did not intend to pursue this man, so instead of holding on to my ego and preventing my friend her happiness, I can release it. My intention is to create peace and happiness for myself, and others, when they are receptive. In the case of the neglected child, my intention is to protect him from unseen dangers. I do not intend to create "trouble" for the parents, but their choices create it for themselves and their child. Living in the moment also helps me to make the right decision in this case. If I worry about the future, I would probably not be able to make a pure decision in either case. Will I meet someone else who I like better? I don't know, but I either will or I won't. That is not important right NOW. Will the parents be angry with me for calling the police in my concern? Perhaps, but the child will be safe, and my intentions are pure, so that is my truth, in this moment.

If you spend your time clinging to the past, or worrying about the future, you are missing the most important gift you possess: this moment. Your truth will blur, and you will become confused by the jumble of information. The purest truth you own IS RIGHT NOW. Be here for it. Namaste.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

In this moment, I live

I seem to be at a loss for words recently. I find myself saying "WOW" a lot. I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual, yet there are not many words to describe the strange happenings which I find myself enmeshed in. I have made some decisions which have resulted in my life's direction changing a bit, one of which is to be in a long distance relationship. Now, when I say "long distance", I don't mean the valley. I mean almost 3000 miles away, which is practically the moon. I have always said that I wouldn't do this, yet for the second time in the last 2 years, I am "doing it." I ask myself why I can't find anyone who lives within 100 miles of me, yet I have no answers. This man is an amazing human being and we fit together like 2 parts of the same puzzle. Yet I still find myself questioning every aspect of this strange and wondrous phenomenon, much as you might inspect a beautiful new car that you are constantly wondering if it is part of a dream that you have acquired it. Is it real or is it fantasy? Can I just live in the moment and accept that life is offering me something magical, but not quite letting me have it yet? And finally, will I destroy it before it has a chance to manifest in the best way possible? Living in the moment has always been a challenge for me. It was never in my best interest, as an abused child, as I needed to plan everything so that I was never vulnerable. I find this to be the most challenging step to take in my life right now. To be truly vulnerable, and open to the possibilities that life has to offer, you must let go of the past, and the future, and relax. You can not concern yourself with what others will do, what they will think of you, and what they expect of you. You simply must gather information and make decisions based on that truth, which is the only truth that matters. If someone is constantly unable to meet your expectations, it is not their "fault," but it is information. We have all heard the saying, "If it is meant to be, it will happen."  I met someone recently who is of this same mind set, and we emailed back and forth about getting together, only to realize that we needed to let it go and wait until it came back to us. We both realized it wasn't the time, and we were able to laugh about it. When something feels like it needs to be forced, perhaps it is just "not meant to be."  Relax and let it go, and see how, or IF, it comes back to you. Make the space in your life for amazing things to happen, and they WILL. We all deserve the best things that life has to offer us, and if you believe that, TRUST that, you will be right EVERY time.

Namaste ~ Andrea

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more. This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and the alternative is not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.

As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look," and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "Oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what I anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed deeply for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Walking Wounded

How many times have you said the phrase, "He/she HURT me," or something similar? I would like to challenge you to look at this phenomenon differently. I can say one thing to you, and the same thing to another person, and get two completely different reactions. Why is this? Consider the situation: I tell someone they are "getting a little chubby." To someone who is secure about their weight, they would laugh at me. To another, who is already insecure about their body size, they would be hurt. So, the question is, did I hurt you, or were you already hurt, and I simply touched your wound? My theory is that we all carry around wounds, and every once in a while another person will touch it and cause us pain. What if we used their observations to benefit us? What if, every time you feel pain, you look at where it's REALLY coming from, and address that?

I believe this is another form of the blame game. If we can blame someone else for our pain, then we don't have to look at it and work on it. In this way, we pass around pain like a relay race. The people who do not accept the pain baton, we label as "jerks," and then move on to find someone who will take it so that we can get rid of it for a while. We wonder why these "jerks" seem to have a fairly peaceful existence, but we comfort ourselves with the fact that "karma will get them in the end." Why must we pass along pain and sadness to others? When you refuse to really take responsibility for your own life, you are missing out on lessons and personal growth.

Recently, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. There are many people who I could probably blame and pass it along to, who would willingly take it. But I guard my pain and hold on to it, because I really believe that if I miss out on this opportunity, there is no way to know when I might have one again, for this growth. I look at it as an opportunity to learn to love and forgive myself, and to evolve in a way that I can enrich my life. What kinds of opportunities do you have today????

Grow. Learn. Evolve. Namaste.

Freedom from ourselves

Sometimes, life happens without you. Meaning, you don't have to control every aspect of everything. Is it apathy, or letting go? I have recently been challenged on a very personal level to let go of something that was very important to me. It was causing me a great deal of stress to try to control it, and the fear of losing it was keeping me in it. I closed my eyes .... and jumped ...... and fell .... and I am now in a free fall, trusting that the Universe will create a safe place for me to land. I feel scared and alone, but I also know that it is better than feeling the pain I was residing in. I am now at least free, and in the words of Janis Joplin, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." There IS freedom in that pain.

When we try to create things the way WE think they should be, we are actually interfering with the process. There is a fine line between controlling our destiny and allowing it room to happen. For instance, say you hear about a job which sounds perfect for you. You take it, and as you get further and further into it, you start to realize that it is not what you thought it was. You stay there, because you don't know what else you will do, and you are unhappy. Maybe you have a "degree" in this, or you have always dreamed about this job, and you let your fear of the unknown keep you in a place that you know is wrong for you. Many of us are in these situations, be it your job, or your marriage, or friendships, which cause us stress and pain and we are unhappy, but we stay out of obligation, or fear, or both. Before you know it, you have been in this situation for half your life, and you are even further indebted to it. Many people live their entire lives in this manner, and then wonder why they are unfulfilled, and angry. They are angry with themselves, but in order to admit this, they have to change, so they stay in the cycle. They pass along this attitude to their children, and here we go with another cycle of unhappiness. Do we really want to teach our children this lesson? It is certainly one thing to honor your commitments, but it is entirely another to martyr yourself out to obligation.

Honoring yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. When you make even the smallest choices, such as to "just say no" to that PTA fundraiser, or to go for a walk instead of cleaning the bathroom, you are giving yourself the freedom to be happy and to choose yourself over obligations. On the other side of it, when you see someone choosing themselves over others, be respectful of that. When I ask my friends for a favor, it is their choice: if they say no, I am NOT going to be mad. When you release yourself from saying yes, you are saying yes to yourself.

Be happy and free today. Namaste.

Feel it or fight it???

When we are faced with unfamiliar feelings, our first instinct is to fight it. Often times, we are successful in our quest to avoid the uncomfortable emotions, and we feel accomplished and relieved. The problem with this is that, in not dealing with the feelings, we have simply prolonged the inevitable, and perhaps in some cases, we have created a pocket of fear around something that does not necessarily deserve it. We think we are insulated in our safe little haven of good feelings and instead, we are simply existing in denial. Life is about challenges, and overcoming them, in order to learn and evolve. When I hear people talking about how evolved they are, and how everyone else is somehow "spiritually deficient," I have to wonder, if you are so evolved, why do you feel that you need to judge someone on their life path? Feeling self righteous is a sure sign that you are looking to distract yourself from opening a new door. In this way, we can live our whole lives in a cycle of denial, thus fooling ourselves into believing that we are "done" and can "relax." Certainly there is a place where you have inner peace and happiness. But I can honestly say that I when I find myself pointing the finger away from myself, that is the time when I need to really pay attention. People are on individual paths, and I do not have to choose to heal them , or accompany them, but I do have the power to love them where they are. Is that not an awesome power?

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!!!

Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.........

Have you ever seen a jar filled with rocks, and thought it was full, until someone put sand in it? You then thought it was full, and then someone put water in it. Just when you think you are at your limit, something can come along and show you that you are not. I never thought I could be really happy on my own, until lately. Coming out of a series of very stressful relationships, where I thought I was with someone, and yet I was never more alone, I have realized some very important things. First, I am better off alone, than with people who do not appreciate me or value me. I'd rather be watching a movie alone than watching one that I do not want to watch. I'd much rather be eating what I want than with someone, eating something I do not like. Second, if I am trying to make a relationship work, especially in the beginning, I need to step away and see what happens. Many times, it will not gather momentum, and this is the best time to find out this information. Before feelings have become intertwined, before attachments have been formed. And last, but certainly not least, in the beginning, a relationship is new and fun. It should not be hard work and sweat during this phase. Even Romeo and Juliet enjoyed that phase, where it was simply developing, and there were no complications or difficulties that were more important than them being together.

If we are to really surrender to the moment, and live every day accepting what the universe has to offer, then we can trust that we will naturally have the people and things in our lives that we are supposed to. The more we try to control the process, the more we are in the way of fate, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it. This can create many detours which are only going to waste our time and lead us into places which will distract us and detract us from our ultimate goals and desires. Letting go of this control may feel scary for most of us, but as a recovering control freak, I can tell you that it is much easier and a whole lot less work. Live, Love, Laugh, and most of all, do this EVERY day.