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You may have heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment."  I'd like to offer you a different perspective on this topic.  When I first heard of this idea, I was bound tightly to scheduling and planning, which left me anxious and in a state of constant worry.  A friend suggested that I try to "live in the moment," which was met with extreme skepticism from my analytic brain.  Over the past couple of years, I have researched this topic, taking note that there are as many interpretations as there are people. One of the most popular interpretations seems to be prevalent among younger people, as well as those with Peter Pan complexes.  This involves no planning of any kind, making no commitments, and usually depends on the fact that another person pays the bills.  Each choice is made without any thought, and many times without any consideration for others.  This lifestyle choice is rarely possible past the age of 18, but I certainly know of older people who have chosen this for themselves.  I know of one young man who declares to anyone who asks, "I'm homeless, I don't want a job!"  This statement is normally followed by a request for money, or some other favor.  He feels as if responsibilities are "too intense" and prefers to sleep on the beach.  This would be an extreme example of "living in the moment."

The more middle of the road approach to this philosophy is where most people arrive.  They have jobs, contribute to society, and usually have families.  They make plans and commitments, considering others, as well as themselves.  The one source of stress for them is the future.  You hear things like, "I can't wait until Friday!" or even "I can't wait until vacation!"  This is all very common, so none of us think much of it.  However, I have observed, that while you are focused on the future, even if it is just a day away, you are missing out on important things happening RIGHT NOW.  When you are having a "bad day" it is very tempting to block it out, and focus on a time when "things will be better."  I used to tell myself, "It's darkest before the dawn," and in this way, I was able to pull myself out of depression and "make it."  However, I have recently started really focusing on not missing a single minute of my life, and I find that escaping those low moments cheated me out of a lot of my experiences, and lessons resulting from them.

The best example of this for me was when my kids were born.  I remember being up sleepless nights, changing diapers, breastfeeding difficulties, and many other things which, at the time, I considered to be unpleasant.  I couldn't wait for them to grow up and be independent so I could get some sleep and do my own thing!  Well, I got what I wished for, 17 years later.  My oldest son is going off to college soon, and he spends his time doing just about anything but hanging with me.  He is a great kid, and I miss him.  I think about those nights when he had a high temperature and I had to get in a tepid bath with him to bring it down.  I think about all the days we spent at the park together, and I wanted to talk to my friends but he begged me to push him on the swings.  It's all equally precious to me, NOW.  I wish I had appreciated it more THEN.

When you live in the future, or even the past, you are missing your life.  You are missing the lessons, and the grateful heart you will have when things go well, because you were in the trenches when things weren't going as you hoped.  When things don't go as planned for me, I am thankful that I can be open to the fact that I may not know as much as the Creator.  My plan for myself is limited to what I know, and to live a life without limits and expectations is what I want.  I am at peace with the fact that every experience has value, and I don't want to miss any of it.

"Enjoy this moment, it is your life" ~ Way of The Peaceful Warrior

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy."  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that? My ex boyfriend is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet night of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way? I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people would take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Be good to yourself

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are told, "Be nice!" Usually, this involves smiling and ignoring another's rude or offensive behavior. I ask you, why do we need to allow this type of behavior, and further, why are we discouraged from standing up for ourselves?

I witnessed a prime example of this the other day in line at the grocery store. We were all lined up to wait our turn, when a lady with a full cart walked past all of us, and started unloading her cart at the front register. I had already secured my place at the back register, but I turned to the woman behind me and asked, "Why don't you say something to her?" To which she replied, "I don't want to be rude." I was aghast, "SHE is being rude to YOU!" To which the woman appeared uncomfortable and looked down. I looked at the checker and we both shrugged. Why are we so afraid to stand up for what is right? Especially when it is our personal space that is being invaded? If it were me (and it has been many times), I would have politely gone up to the lady and said, "Excuse me, we are all waiting in line, the back of the line is here". Most of the time, people are embarrassed, because they simply do not know. Most people are not trying to be rude, and appreciate when someone gives them a gentle reminder. You don't need to be aggressive and confrontational.

The saddest example of this is when a child is abused. As I have said before, this has happened to me, and I was always "nice" to the men who invaded my most personal space. I never wanted to "offend" them, and I was being a "good girl" for going along with what they wanted. I was taught to think of others before myself, which ended up in disaster for me personally. Years later, in therapy, I was asked, "Why didn't you say no, or tell them to stop?" and my answer was always the same, "I didn't want them to be mad at me." I was literally willing to sacrifice the most precious part of my female body in order to "be nice." And that is where we have to draw the line. We can not allow people to abuse us, even if they get mad, and call us names (which has certainly happened to me in recent history). We have to feel confident in standing up for ourselves, because, if we don't, we are disrespecting the most important person, ourselves. If it makes me a "bitch" to tell someone that I do not like to be yelled at, or spoken to in an abusive manner, then, so be it. I will not allow myself to be invaded any longer, in the name of "being nice."

It is my most fervent wish that we can teach our next generation to say no in a kind manner. People seem to think that to say no is to be mean. This is not true. You can politely decline any invitations which do not suit you. When a solicitor came to the door, I politely said, "No thank you", and my kids hear this, which gives them comfort in saying, "No thank you" when they are offered drugs, or asked to compare body parts, or whatever the case may be. I am hoping that my example will empower them to say no in a way which is compassionate and understanding. I hear my teenager having these conversations with his peers and I am so proud of him. I hear him standing up for himself without being rude, and he is well liked at school, yet he does not "party" at all. Instead of teaching our kids to "be nice" to everyone but themselves, why can we not teach them to respect themselves, as well as others?

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.........

Have you ever seen a jar filled with rocks, and thought it was full, until someone put sand in it? You then thought it was full, and then someone put water in it. Just when you think you are at your limit, something can come along and show you that you are not. I never thought I could be really happy on my own, until lately. Coming out of a series of very stressful relationships, where I thought I was with someone, and yet I was never more alone, I have realized some very important things. First, I am better off alone, than with people who do not appreciate me or value me. I'd rather be watching a movie alone than watching one that I do not want to watch. I'd much rather be eating what I want than with someone, eating something I do not like. Second, if I am trying to make a relationship work, especially in the beginning, I need to step away and see what happens. Many times, it will not gather momentum, and this is the best time to find out this information. Before feelings have become intertwined, before attachments have been formed. And last, but certainly not least, in the beginning, a relationship is new and fun. It should not be hard work and sweat during this phase. Even Romeo and Juliet enjoyed that phase, where it was simply developing, and there were no complications or difficulties that were more important than them being together.

If we are to really surrender to the moment, and live every day accepting what the universe has to offer, then we can trust that we will naturally have the people and things in our lives that we are supposed to. The more we try to control the process, the more we are in the way of fate, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it. This can create many detours which are only going to waste our time and lead us into places which will distract us and detract us from our ultimate goals and desires. Letting go of this control may feel scary for most of us, but as a recovering control freak, I can tell you that it is much easier and a whole lot less work. Live, Love, Laugh, and most of all, do this EVERY day.

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

2009 gives way to 2010

The holidays are always a time of great reflection for me. I see people I haven't seen all year, my family and friends from back home. It generally give me that much-needed "restart" and even though it isn't always comfortable, it leads me down a path of questioning my choices over the past year. Last year I ran into a old flame, and we spent a few magical nights together, only to have reality crash our trip down memory lane. As I look back at it now, I understand what I needed to learn from that experience. As one of my favorite songs says, "Life throws you curves, and you learn to swerve." When I was 20 and had no life experience, my relationship with him seemed like magic. Now that I have been down a few more paths, I see him for who he really is, and that is not someone I can share my time with. Over the years, I have met many men who seemed to fit into my life at first, but over time, it became clear that it was actually NOT a good fit. I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two in my time on earth, and one of the lessons I'm reminded of today is the one of compassion. Only this time I need to have compassion for MYSELF. It's easy for us to lose sight of the fact that yes, we make mistakes, and yes, we make bad decisions. But that is the way life works, and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. All we can do is move on and make sure that we remain positive and moving forward.

As another year comes to an end, I look back and realize how many lessons I've learned this year. Many of them were quite painful. I suffered a few losses which still hurt my heart. But in the end, as my good friend told me today, we always end up with the things and people that we are supposed to. Welcome home, and Happy Holidays to all my dear friends and the special people in my life.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have to make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself these things: "When I am on my deathbed, which thing will I remember?  Will I wish I had worked more? Will I wish that I had given more to myself?"

I think the answers are clear.

Fear Factor

I hear people say all the time, "Once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll move forward." Isn't this backwards? Don't you have to move forward to figure out your life? Life experiences are what shape us. We have to fail in order to learn how not to. When I hear someone say something like this, I know for sure that they are not in charge of their life. I wonder if THEY know that? Probably not. Fear is a horrible teacher. When you make choices based on what you are afraid of, it may feel like the safe choice, but in the end, it is the least rewarding one. Do you want to live life being "safe?" Or do you want to learn and grow as much as possible? My friend is in a relationship with a guy, where they are both insecure. Neither of them is able to ask for what they want, and even though they have been together for a long period of time, she is unhappy and, I suspect, so is he. I encouraged her to ask for what she wants, and she is afraid. Afraid that he will not give it to her. So is the better choice to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, and never get your needs met? Or are you better off facing that fear, speaking your truth, and possibly getting what you want?  And, in the end, you will ALWAYS get what you want, even though it may not seem so at the time. If a relationship ends because you asked for your needs to be met, well then, great!  Now you can find someone who appreciates you and can give you everything you want and deserve. It may not feel good at first, but let me tell you, it is the better place to be. Anxiety and insecurity are NO WAY to be in a relationship. If you choose to be in your truth you will ALWAYS win.