It's interesting what happens when you make a decision to do something that is REALLY uncomfortable, without resorting to any coping strategies. At first, it truly feels horrific, but then, as you move through the discomfort, you start to find little treasures and gems of knowledge. This past week has challenged me to reach further into myself than ever before, to really connect with my inner happiness. At first, it was a little bud of growth, but then, it became stronger, and I was able to connect with it, no matter what else was happening. Without the need for anyone else's approval, I became very confident in all my decisions, and was able to move forward on some projects that I had been putting off for quite some time. Without the obsessive energy of worrying constantly about Jason, and what he is or is not doing, I am truly FREE to focus on myself, and simply enjoy the moments when we do connect. The first day that I felt truly happy for the first time, he called me. It was our first conversation in weeks, and it felt easy and light. He said my energy had shifted so much, that I was almost a different person. Funny how that works, when you stop NEEDING validation, here it comes. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, and it is easy and uncomplicated. We are friends, and that is all...for now.
My 14 year old son, Sam, who is wise beyond his years, gave me the best advice the other day. He said, "Mom, don't try to cross that bridge with Jason again, it is burned. You have to wait until another one is built before you can cross it, or you will just fall into the water again." BAM! We are each on our own side of the river, working on our side of the bridge, and one day, we will meet in the middle, but not yet. We both have work to do, and it is probably the most important work we will ever do for ourselves. Neither of us wants to repeat any of our failed relationships, or the one we had together. We both learned so much and helped each other a lot, but it needed to be completely burned so that it can be rebuilt, with new materials, and span a different section of the river. We will both find our own individual happiness and will be able to reconnect in a new space. I am impatient, but excited.
I discovered a magical place to meditate and hike. I call this: "building a bridge to a castle".
I am enjoying the great outdoors, and rediscovering what I like, without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. I have many friends who are supporting me and loving me through this very important time. I am grateful beyond measure for my tribe! One of my regular walking partners is a beautiful soul named Bonnie. She is the kind of friend who will sing along with the music in the restaurant, is always up for a walk, and one of the most positive, loving people I have ever met. On our walk yesterday, she invited me to a park that I have not been to since I was a teenager. As soon as we drove up, I saw the city pool and had a flash of a memory that I had been trying to block out. As an 18 year old girl, I used to go to this pool frequently, to sunbathe, and swim, in the heat of the summer. I became friends with the staff, and they invited me to a party one weekend. At the party, one of the lifeguards invited me to his house for an "after-party." He said his roommate would be there, who I thought was cute, so I went along. As soon as we got to his house, his roommate was passed out, and there was no one else there. I went to leave, and he grabbed me, threw me in a chair, and duct taped my hands behind my back. I began to cry, and he duct taped my mouth. He wrapped the tape around me so tight that I could hardly breathe, and then proceeded to scream obscenities, spit beer on me, and throw beer cans at me, for hours. I didn't know if he was going to rape me, kill me, or just keep me tied up until his roommate woke up. I was scared for my life, and I finally indicated that I needed to use the bathroom, and he let me up. I bolted for the door, and ran as fast as I could down the street, finally collapsing in a yard, after making sure he didn't follow me. I will never forget his maniacal laughter, as I ran away. He was out of his mind and I was very lucky to have gotten away when I did. You may wonder why I didn't tell someone, call the police, etc, and it is simple, really. After growing up how I did, with no one to protect me, and no one who would even believe me, I trusted NO ONE to help, and accepted it as my lot in life, that I would be hurt by men, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my reality at the time.
Bonnie suggested that we walk around the perimeter of the pool to create a healing circle for me to release my pain. I agreed, and we began to circle around. When we reached the entrance, they had redone it, and I had never seen it before, BUT I realized that I had dreamed about it several months ago! It was a sign from above. I reached out to touch the gate, and it all came flooding back to me. I wept, and cried, and sobbed my release. My wrist began to throb, and Bonnie held space for me to heal myself. As soon as I was finished with that part, I stood up straighter, and we finished our walk around. I felt 200 pounds lighter and so amazingly free! The rest of the day, I cycled in and out of sadness, as it continued to release, and went to bed exhausted, but confident that a big shift had just happened.
I went back to the park this morning, and sat on a bench, and soaked in the sun as I meditated. I grounded the pool, and the park, and brought it all into present time, so that I could collect all my energy back. I am no longer that girl, and I am safe and cared for, and loved.
As I continue on my journey into myself, I wonder what else I will find that is buried, and creating a barren landscape above? I am working on a book, which will delve a bit deeper into this topic. But, for now, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy my blog. Love and light to you all today!