Parenting through depression

I have personal experience with depression, and it is a crippling illness which is also very easily passed along to your children. It becomes a way of life, and sometimes, it is hard to even diagnose, especially if you have had it for a long time. Depressed children grow into depressed adults, and, eventually, emerge as angry, bitter, and lonely people. I know this because it happened to me.

I know I was not born depressed, but sometimes it felt that way. I was always in trouble at school, and I went to school in an era where we were paddled by the principal. I got spanked at home, as well, as my parents did not know what to do with my blatant disregard for their rules and boundaries. My adult choices revolved around who I could tolerate (that was a short list), and I cycled through jobs very quickly because I could not control my temper, or deal with customers, much less my coworkers. I had mostly men friends, because I could not connect with women.

Many years later, after a decade of therapy, I understand that I was depressed. It started when I was young, and experienced some trauma, which went unresolved. I began to distrust adults, and cut off communication with my parents. I cried almost every day, and would sometimes burst into tears for no reason at all. I was labeled "emotional" and a "hypochondriac," and mostly just "rebellious." I used illness to isolate myself, as I did not know how to dig myself out of the pain. As a teen, I used drinking and partying to dull the pain, and it was all I knew for a long time.

My marriage and subsequent births of my two sons brought this all to a screeching halt, and my depression resurfaced with a vengeance. I became desperately unhappy, yet I still had these two sons who needed me to be a strong, healthy adult. I began to realize that I was spending so much time trying to run from the depression, that I was not taking any time to actually get underneath it. Here are a few things that really helped me to reverse my depression and start my road to recovery.

1) Exercise:  I know, this has become a dirty word, there are so many people with extreme views of this; it has become abused and overused. But, I am not talking about hiring a personal trainer and spending a gazillion dollars on gym memberships and equipment. Find something that you ENJOY, that you can easily incorporate into your daily routine. I like to walk, and I happen to live within driving distance of a lovely beach. Parks and lakes are also wonderful for walking. You might enjoy bike riding, or skating, or swimming. It is important to get in touch with your body, and do something that gets you off the couch for a little bit every day.

2) Diet: Another really hot topic, but, again, I am not talking about anything extreme. Just eat food that makes you feel good. My personal experience is that a bag of chips, some candy, and copious amounts of coffee/soda, makes me feel like my guts are going to fall out. I have learned which foods fuel my body in a way that makes me happy. It is not about being a certain weight or adopting an extreme eating plan. Eat to nourish yourself. Food is fuel. Enjoy it!

3) Personal Time: This is VITAL to your sanity. Taking the time to quiet your mind, and just breathe, is something we have lost, as a society. I enjoy meditation, and this often leads to frequent bouts of daydreaming:) Many people enjoy a candlelit bath, or even a leisurely walk alone. Looking inward, relaxing into your true essence, nourishes your soul. If you find yourself angry a lot, look at what is underneath that. YOU are the common factor in every situation in your life. YOU are the one who can change the direction of your thoughts. It takes time, and practice, but, with the proper information and support, you can slowly start to shift your thinking, and create things which are more positive, and even (dare I say it?) FUN!

4) FUN! Find something that brings you joy, and try to do it as much as possible. Laughter truly is the best medicine. For a time, you may want to refuse to watch heavy, dramatic movies, or read books which are sad and depressing. You must cull this energy from your life, so that you can start to recognize and welcome in that happy energy, which has been missing from your life for so long. Personally, I gave up watching CNN and cable news, simply because I found it to be too heavy. I enjoy being a part of the solution, rather than a spectator to endless tragedies. I am on several mailing lists for grassroots movements, and I give to the local homeless shelter on a regular basis. This is a proactive space for me, and I can find happiness in helping others.

You may wonder what any of this has to do with parenting. I have found that happy moms and dads, make happy children. If you can shift your own patterns, your children will benefit greatly, and you may be able to help them avoid falling into the depression trap themselves. My sons tell me that I am much happier than I was 10 years ago, and I am pleased that they have noticed. I still have days where I struggle, but for the most part, I am positive and happy.

If you need more help, we can schedule an individual intuitive counseling session, where I will help you find where this energy is stuck for you, and start to work on making some positive shifts. I look forward to hearing from you!

Are you being honest with yourself?

I recently heard a quote that sums it all up for me: "If everyone around you is an idiot, YOU are the idiot." I love this and, even though it is slightly on the negative side, it pulls no punches in letting you know to look in the mirror to solve your problems. I hear a lot of people talking about how "stupid" other people are, whether it be bad driving, work issues, or personal dramas. The amazing part about these people is that they have really convinced themselves that THEY are the only people on the planet who are smart, savvy, or <insert the opposite of your gripe about others>.

Think about the last time you were in a really good mood. Did you feel somewhat invincible? Did you find that other people's behavior did not bother you as much? Then think about the last really bad day you had. EVERYTHING bothered you, and you likely snapped at more than one person for, basically, existing. When you are happy, you exude happiness; therefore, you attract it. People respond to what you are projecting, and that is the best mirror in the world.

This morning, on my walk, I encountered many obstacles. At first, I was annoyed at the group of people who were blocking 3/4 of the path, or the lady who was on the phone and not watching her child, who skated into my ankle. But I realized that I could look at it from several different perspectives, and soon I was able to let it go and even make a joke out of it. They were "wrong" and "inconsiderate" but what was the point of me getting upset about that? They would not change their behavior, and I would waste a bunch of energy being mad, to no end. Instead, I focused on the positive things, and had a lovely exchange with a man walking 8 dogs, asking him "What is your maximum number of dogs to walk?" His reply, "I think this is it!" And we both laughed, wishing each other a great day. It's easy to focus on who is "right" (always ME!) and who is "wrong" (always those other idiots!), but obviously, that is not the path to happiness.

If you are truly being honest with yourself, you will see that YOU are the source of all your moods, and you are choosing what to focus on, whether it be happiness, anger, sadness, or confusion. Yes, we all have emotions, and it is important to honor them, but wallowing in negativity will get you nowhere FAST. Forcing your opinion of what is "right" on others, is not being honest with them. That's called "judging," and it's just another way to give away your happiness.

The road more (or less) traveled

Yes, this is going to be one of those "analogy blogs," and I make no apologies for it:) If you are a regular reader, you know I like analogies, and I especially enjoy spinning the old cliches into new twists. The old, "it's the journey that matters, not the destination," and, "life is a highway," are just a couple that immediately come to mind. I am sure you have heard both of those, perhaps to the point where you roll your eyes when you hear them. Often, cliches are where sound advice goes to die. They are good messages, but when they are used erroneously, they can actually be invalidating. It's a good way to avoid listening to your friend complain for the 100th time about her troubles, and an alternative to really challenging her to solve her problems, as opposed to staying in a cycle of discontent. Saying "life is a journey," and cutting her off, is much easier for you, but certainly not validating for her.

We are having record heat out here in Los Angeles, and yesterday my son and I decided to go to the beach, in an attempt to cool down. After the difficult task of finding parking, we started to make our way down to the water's edge. The sand felt like hot coals, and, even though we moved quickly, I ended up with blisters on my feet. However; the reward of the bracingly cool ocean water proved to be well worth it.

The same can be said for our life path. Often, it is painful and difficult, but we are aware that the reward is waiting for us, so we push onward. Sometimes, we go back to "cooler sands," but, in the end, the promise of fulfillment lures us out of our comfort zone, and we, again, brave the pain and the discomfort. It is human nature to avoid pain, for this is a survival mechanism, in it's most basic form. However; we must weigh the pros and cons of staying where we are, versus where we want to be, to make a decision from our higher consciousness.

If you are struggling with unhappiness, or confusion, let me help you gain some clarity! I am offering very special low pricing right now, to new clients. Send me an email at happiness@andreagarst.com to get started today!

Blog Vacation Week

I'm taking a break this week, but wanted to show you what I have been up to.  Hope you are all having a fantastic week!

Are you reaping what you have sown?

Chances are, in the past, you have done some things that you are not too proud of.  You may not want to admit it, but if you are human, you have made mistakes, and made choices which have hurt others, intentionally OR unintentionally. "Karma" has become a cliche, mostly in thanks to shows like "My Name is Earl," and the phraseology which has emerged.  You may have heard things like, "Karma's gonna get you," and "You are creating some bad karma!" I have tried to use it in a positive way, as I think you may be missing the point if you are wishing "bad karma" on someone else.  Are you not, by wishing harm to another person, creating some bad karma for yourself? My interpretation of karma is that you "reap what you sow." This particular phrase has been around long before yoga was trendy, and milk came from nuts and beans. Growing up, I heard it a lot, but I never truly knew the meaning until recently. Many of you know that I have a checkered (to say the least) past. I have struggled a lot to find my inner peace and spiritual center. From pain and adversity comes progress, and I am living proof of that! Anyway, as I was going through my party phase, I was not living consciously, and I made many bad decisions. Most of them were fairly innocuos, but a couple have come back to haunt me, and I have lost a dear friend due to one particularly fateful choice.  As I reflected on this, and heard her pain, I realized that this is my karma.  Even though I did not do what I did to harm her, or intentionally cause her pain, all these years later, she is as hurt as if it happened yesterday, and will never look at me the same way again. It is my karmic debt to her, and the price is steep.  I have to acknowledge that I used to be a different person, in order to fully embrace who I am NOW.

Next time you make a decision, think about where you are in your consciousness.  Are you aware and awake? Are you in fear? The energy that goes into your choices is the energy that will come back to you, eventually. Plant buds of love and kindness and you will soon reap the rewards.

Wishing you all the best KARMA in the universe! xoxo

Are you the egg, or the chicken?

*******I just got done with a fabulous visit from my parents, and that is why I am a few days late with this:) A very good friend and mentor of mine once told me, "Think of yourself like an egg.  You have all you need to grow inside you already." I have been noticing all the people around me who have been searching for the meaning of life, happiness, or whatever they think they need for fulfillment.  When you reach outside of yourself, you break your inner strength, in essence, you "crack" your shell, and then you have to start all over.  What information do you have inside yourself today?

I see this manifested in many ways, and, especially in the spiritual community, people are consantly seeking information from others.  In my work, I have done many readings in which the person wants an answer.  But, like I tell them, I don't have YOUR answers, and if you don't know, I can't reflect it back to you.  MY answers won't work for you.  A lot of us have other people's information telling us to do something a certain way. This ultimately ends up looking like "obligation," or "responsbility." We arrive at "resentment," and often have a "mid life crisis." When you don't really know what YOU want, no amount of workshops and seminars can tell you.  In order to truly find YOUR truth, you need to learn to go within.

Learning to listen to your inner voice requires ALONE time.  Most of us are so wrapped up in our distractions, and keeping "busy," that we do not even know what this feels like.  Many of us are uncomfortable with being alone with ourselves.  Practicing meditation or yoga, something that requires you to focus within, will help you to find that quiet place.  Although, you can certainly practice these things with others, and still not be quiet.  I used to go to yoga with a friend who wanted to talk through the whole class.  Filling the quiet spaces with chatter is simply allowing your fear to take over, and it will keep you going in circles.  As my meditation teacher explains, "Gossip and chatter is a really good way to keep from resolving your inner issues."

Wishing you all a wonderful day, and, as always, feel free to comment, share, and email me!

Unconscious Parenting

Many parents struggle with the teen years, and, having a teen AND a tween, I can relate, but not in the way you might think. I see many parents of young children who are completely checked out, and they don't realize it, but this is setting up their children to have issues down the road.  I see moms pushing strollers in a daze, looking at their phones, while the child is plugged in to an electronic device, watching a movie. There is no human connection in that equation.

This morning, on my walk, I saw a group of very young girls playing on the sidewalk.  Their dads were talking to each other off to the side. As I came up to where they were sitting, one of the girls pushed her stroller towards me, as if to hit me with it.  The dads still did not look up, even when I said, "Wow, you wanted to hit me with that!" The girl looked at me belligerently, and finally one of the dads looked up, with a half smile that told me he had no idea what was going on, then went back to his conversation.  I smiled at the girl and kept walking, but my heart went out to her.  She was trying to get someone to engage with her, and if it took actually hurting someone to get attention, she was THAT desperate.  She coud not have been more than 4 years old, and I began to wonder what she would be like at 13, 14, or 15. I can guarantee you that she will not be a happy, fulfilled young woman.  I imagine it is likely that she will engage in unhealthy relationships with boys very early on, in another desperate attempt for validation and attention.  Her parents will spend a lot of money trying to apply a "band aid" to the problem that their unconsciousness created.

When my kids were little, a very wise woman told me, "Meet their needs now, and they will grow up strong and healthy, without the drive of desperately seeking those unfulfilled voids." This has proven to be the best advice I have ever received. We push them out of our beds, and tell them we can't hold them, force them to cry themselves to sleep in a darkened room, and then wonder why they grow up distant and closed off to us. They are raising themselves, and they are not doing a great job.  Is this really surprising?  I am saddened that this is our next generation of leaders, for they are missing some important pieces, and growing up to be apathetic, and unconscious, for that is what we are teaching them.  If you are lucky enough to have a young child, please cherish this time with them, and reject the philosophy of teaching them "independence" from birth.  Let's instead move into a place of teaching them "INTERdependence," in which they can feel supported by the adults in their lives, but they have the confidence to go off on their own when they are ready.  I promise you that your child will not sleep in your bed, or want you to hold him, when he goes off to high school!