I have recently lost some friends who I used to call "close." I trusted these friendships to weather any storm and any disagreement. Imagine my shock and dismay when, the moment I disagreed with the advice I was being given, these so called friends instantly cut me off and are no longer speaking to me. It makes me scared and mistrustful and this is not a comfortable place for me. I have long since refused to live in fear and I will not start now! I have to believe that standing up for myself is always a good thing, otherwise I am allowing abusive people in my life. This falls into the category of "living in fear."
When you allow fear to make your decisions for you, it tends to produce results which will keep you in the same place for many years. For instance, if I allow my fear of being alone to dictate how I express my feelings, I will always have friends who are not "real." This is not any more clear to me than it is right now. I'm scared of not having any friends, but you know what is scarier? Having friends who don't respect me or my opinions, and refuse to accept my individuality. It also allows negative energy into my space and keeps me from truly stretching my wings and flying as high as I can imagine. I have realized that these negative, toxic people, who will forever remain in their fear, have kept me with them because I have not challenged that in them. I want more for myself than drudgery and failure. I want to be truly happy and prosperous, and have people in my life who respect me and encourage me in a positive, supportive way. If that is not you, I wish you the best, I truly do, but I can not stay here anymore. It is sucking the life out of me. And that I can not allow anymore. Please do not take it personally, as I do not take it personally when you push me away for "being weird," or "being bitchy," or whatever it is you need to tell yourself to make it easier to continue your existence. I'm DONE with it.
Authors note, October 2012: This is more of a "rant" than a "blog," and I debated whether or not to keep it up, but I do think it shows my growth and it was written during a particularly painful period of my life, so I hope it resonates with you in a positive way:)