Week Five: Connecting to the Pain

Wow, this past week has been painful on a new level. I cried so hard I thought my head would explode. But I was determined to allow these deep feelings to come up, because I am acutely aware of the fact that these patterns I have been following my entire adult life, are no longer serving me on any level. And to make the changes, I have to bare the depths of my soul. As I meet and overcome the challenges the Universe is throwing my way, I am finding a quiet strength that is far more powerful than the anger I have been holding in my soul. It is a power that is LOVE, and that love is for myself. It is for the little girl who was shushed and shamed into swallowing her pain, and her truth, because others were too afraid of their own darkness. She was forced into healing the ones who continually hurt her, for fear of abandonment, and it was an endless cycle of pain, betrayal, and manipulation. I learned at an early age that my needs were irrelevant, and that I must heal everyone else, because I was not important, and that was my only purpose, to make others happy, especially men. 

I am simply a soul who has been deeply wounded, over lifetimes, and those pain pictures are coming up for me to release. I work very hard to release them in a healthy way, but sometimes I lash out at those who love me, who are close to me. This is called, the human experience. Our wounds, especially the deep ones, are so painful, that sometimes, our old programming takes over, and we leave our body, and we say and do things where we don't recognize ourselves. Our soul family knows not to take this personally, but others, who are still stuck deeply in their own pain, reflect this back to us, and mistakenly believe that WE are causing pain for them, and the pain baton is passed back and forth until one of us withdraws.

We are all responsible for our own pain. PERIOD. Others may light it up for us, and yes, some people need to be set behind a healthy boundary, but ultimately, we have to deal with our pain, and removing people from your life, systematically, thinking that if they are gone, your problems will be over, is erroneous, and will lead to isolation and depression. It is NEVER about them. NEVER.

My relationships up to this point have been about healing each other's pain. When you connect with someone on this level, it is always going to be about pain. My goal, in taking this dating sabbatical, is to learn to love myself so deeply, that I will only attract love into my life, and therefore, I do not NEED anyone to heal me. I will be evolving for the rest of my time here on earth, but I will have an established pattern of healing my own pictures, and so my connections will only be about LOVE. This doesn't mean that I won't have pain, or get lit up sometimes, but it does mean that, when I am lit up on those things, I will have a support system in place, and I will have my own tools ready, so that I can do my own work. 

Connecting with nature is balm for my wounded soul 

If you are in a place of feeling like someone else has "hurt you," or you find yourself saying things like, "he/she did _____ to me," you have a choice: release the pain and heal yourself, or continue to pass that pain baton around. If you choose the latter, ultimately, you will always end up back here, feeling like the victim. You are NOT a victim. You are NEVER a victim. You are a wounded soul who needs to be reminded of your beauty and light, and reconnect to the love you have inside you. 

Do something nice for yourself today. Finish a project this weekend that you have been putting off. Push through the pain that is the wall of your comfort zone, and watch magic happen! It is time, my warriors, the time is NOW.