Are you in a Rut?

We are told at an early age that to be "lazy" is to be "bad."  The trouble with this adage is that the definition of "lazy," seems to be a bit hazy (accidental rhyme).  I touched on this in an earlier post, and it has come to my attention again, due to recent events.  The opposite of lazy is, arguably, to be productive.  What is behind the mindset of someone who does not want to be, or is not able to be, productive?  It is our old friend, Fear.  Fear of success, failure, and many other things.  Perhaps you have tried to be productive in the past, only to have your achievements invalidated and dismissed as "not good enough."  Whatever the reason, if you are in a place of healing, I believe you are producing exactly what you need at the exact time you need to do it.

Getting out of a rut is hard.  You have to first recognize that you are IN the rut, then you have to find the way out.  Many times, we are stuck because we have turned off our "opportunity radar."  These missed opportunities come in many forms, big and small.  I have recently been working with a company that is going to revolutionize the economy, healthcare, and business practices as a whole.  Since we are a start up company, we have to bring in referrals of qualified people we know.  I am calling all the people I know who struggle financially, and the ones who need the most help are the ones who are the most hesitant!  It is a classic lottery situation.  The "lottery curse," as we call it, culminates with the big money winners being in the same, or worse, financial situation than they were in when they won the money.  This is a classic example of being in a rut and following established patterns of lack and devaluing oneself.  One of my favorite ways to illuminate these patterns for people is to ask one question:  "And how is that working for you?"  No one has ever said "It's working great!", and that will usually result in a conversation where they can see that they need to take a chance and put themselves out there in a different way.  Another great example of this is the movie "Yes Man," where the main character attends a motivational seminar and has to take a vow to start saying Yes to all the opportunities around him.  His life undergoes a HUGE change and in the end he lands in a very different place, and is fulfilled and happy.  He spent all his time saying No, and ended up alone on his couch.  Comfortable, but alone and unhappy.  How's that working for you?????

In order to be "productive," we must first heal the part of us that is scared to take chances and say Yes to these opportunities that are everywhere.  Start recognizing the choices you have, instead of playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself. This is just your Ego having a temper tantrum, as a good friend told me once.  If you spent a day with me, you would see me taking a lot of time to collect my thoughts and meditate.  When I feel overwhelmed, I find space to breathe and recenter myself.  This allows me to be MORE productive, but to the casual observer, it may look as though I am being "lazy."  A good friend bragged to me, "I never sit down!"  and I wondered if she realizes that she is falling into that old belief system.  If you never sit down, you are living in distraction and chaos.  If that WORKS for you, great. But honestly, I can't imagine that it would be working for anyone.  Taking the time for yourself is NOT being lazy.  Running around like a crazy person 24/7 is NOT being productive.  Find your balance and find your peace.

Wishing you all peace and blessings on this beautiful day!

Are you wearing your unhappiness?

I live in a beautiful beach community, and I try to take advantage of the beach as often as I can.  Yesterday, having just recovered from the flu, I decided to go down and just breathe in the fresh air, taking as long of a walk as I felt I could enjoy.  As I walked along, just breathing and smiling at people, I noticed a group of women jogging towards me on the strand path.  Now, these women were very noticeable because, in this community, you

rarely see obese people.  I think this is a combination of simply "the LA mentality" in which women in particular are shamed into thinking that they have to be thin in order to be beautiful, but I choose to embrace the positive part of that mentality, which is that we live where it is sunny and 70 most of the year, and outside exercise is possible almost every day.  Additional impetus being, at any given time you could be asked to attend a pool or jacuzzi party and if you are not wearing a bikini, you may as well be sporting a burka for all the strange looks you will receive.  Your choices are to remain antisocial, or live somewhere else.  So, this group of significantly overweight women struggled towards me, some at a slow jog, some at a brisker walk, but all with the same expression:  misery.  The woman who was clearly their "leader" was 100 pounds soaking wet, and as they passed me, I heard her spouting a bunch of nutritional facts, using words like "bad" and "crap" to describe choices someone might make.  With her every peppy word, it seemed that the energy of the group spiraled down further.  As I continued down the path, I saw more of these women, who were the "stragglers", and finally, one, sitting on the side of the path, almost in tears, clearly not "having fun."  I almost stopped to ask her if she was ok, but I  did not want to add to her palpable humiliation.  I was overcome with sadness at the shame we inflict on others for simply using food as a coping tool in order to deal with the difficult issue of self hatred.  Their addiction is no worse than the drug user, the alcoholic, the sex addict, or the shopping addict, to name a few.

I have been reading Collette Baron-Reid's book, "Weight Loss for those who Feel too Much," and this has opened my eyes, not only to some of my issues, but to many others on the same path.  How are we helping food addicts by making them feel even worse about themselves?  The Biggest Loser is so painful for me to watch that I have yet to watch one entire episode.  Is our value really all in the number on the scale?  And, if we gain 5 pounds, we are "bad" and "in trouble."  This is only compounding the problem.  I am reasonably sure that if, instead of boot camps and fat free foods, we gave each other positive compliments, aka positive reinforcement, the tides would turn much more quickly. We can encourage others to be healthy and love themselves, and this, in turn, will help them to make different choices to care for their bodies.  I know many trainers who think

posting photoshopped images of "perfect" bodies is inspirational, but this is the opposite for most people.  This really makes me angry!  The message is:  if you can't be perfect, you may as well stay home and eat chips.  I saw an ad for "Plus size yoga" the other day....YES!  Great idea!  As a society, we have placed the emphasis on the wrong things for too long. Unhappiness makes you want to soothe yourself, and for many, food is that balm.  As a recovered anorexic, I can tell you that NOT eating comes from the same place.  It is all about self punishment and misery in that space.  Until we teach people to really love themselves, they way they are, we can not really help them to care for their bodies in a healthy way.

I am deeply saddened by the trainers and coaches who think they are helping people by reinforcing the guilt and shame pattern.  The fact is, this is so prevalent in today's society because fat is the last accepted prejudice.  It can be used as a cop out for many things, and it makes thinner people feel superior.  "At least I am not THAT fat!"  is something I have heard from others.  I encourage you to have compassion for those who are struggling, and offer loving support, instead of using it to make yourself feel better.  Perhaps you can learn something about yourself in the journey.  Fat is simply wearing your emotions on the outside.  Cancer is wearing them on the inside.  How about if we actually DEAL with our emotions?  That's a novel concept.

Blessings to your and yours today!

Confessions of a recovered anorexic

As long as I can remember, I have been aware of calories, and fat, and how much is "proper for a lady" to eat, and how much is NOT. I have also been aware of all the ways in which I could fail to attract the attention of a man, be it my round hips, my full breasts, or my muscular thighs. I grew up in the 70's and 80's, when, if you didn't look on the brink of starvation, you were undesirable. I learned to enjoy hunger, and became alarmingly anorexic. I ended up in the hospital, 97 pounds, near death, and I was very pleased with myself. I had done what I needed to do in order to be accepted by my peers and society. Then the therapy started, and I slowly became aware of the fact that I was actually destroying my health. I became obsessed with every health and diet fad that came out, determined that I would force my shapely body into the boy shape I so desperately wanted. I was convinced that THIS was the key to my happiness. For many years, I was thin to the point where people would ridicule me, yet, shockingly, I was not happy or fulfilled. As the years passed, I went through all of life's trials and gradually started to overcome my anorexic tendencies. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was concerned that my baby would be harmed if I did not eat exactly what I was supposed to, so a new obsession was born: being perfect nutritionally. This manifested in the way that I judged others for eating the "wrong" things, and, of course, I judged myself the most harshly. If I missed a day at the gym, I was depressed for a week.  If I ate a cookie, I would spiral into failure mode. As my child grew, it became clear that he was blessed with my curvy figure, and the cycle continued. I fed him what I believed to be the "perfect" diet, yet he still was chubby. Doctors visits would send me home in tears. I had failed my child as well as myself. When I became pregnant for the second time, I gave up. I ate everything in sight, and tested positive for gestational diabetes. When my second son was born, I was 200 pounds. I was miserable and depressed.

When Sam turned 2, I decided to start over. I started seeing a trainer, and he was kind and non-judgmental, and the weight dropped off. I lost 60 pounds and filed for divorce. I became interested in partying again, and the bars kept me from having to be alone at night, when the kids were with their dad. This phase was to last 2 years, and then, one day, I realized that I was on the fast track to nowhere, and I began to spend less and less time drinking, and more time with myself. Cooking and baking had always been a passion of mine, and I began to experiment with this again. As I rose up out of the ashes of my marriage, my old friend, obsession, resurfaced. I had kept most of the weight off, but it was creeping back up, and I felt it start to overtake me again. I spent the next year gathering information on every diet and nutritional fad I could, and, in the end, I had gained more weight. I spent more time at the gym, and obsessed over every calorie, and yet STILL I was heavy. I felt discouraged and painfully close to giving up again.

About this time, I had been attending meditation classes for a year or so, and I started to feel as if I was close to a big discovery. I suffered some painful losses through relationships, yet gained knowledge from each of them. One day, as I prowled the aisles of the local health food store, a thought stopped me in my tracks. "I am healthy, strong, and active. I take care of myself, I respect myself, and yet I am still not skinny. Maybe this is how I am supposed to look!" As I pondered over this thought for the next month or so, I slowly shifted my reality. I don't want people in my life that judge me for how I look. The most important thing is to love myself, and care for my body in a way that nurtures it. Food and exercise are about function, NOT looking good. What I eat should make me feel great, and fuel me for whatever I want to do, whether it be a walk on the beach, power yoga, snowboarding, or even just playing with my son. I do not want to live my life sitting on the couch, therefore I must fuel myself appropriately.

Food is not the enemy, and it is also not your friend. Food is fuel, pure and simple. If you find yourself looking for comfort, go for a walk, read a good book, or watch a movie with a snuggle buddy (my cat is great at snuggling:) Punishing ourselves with what is meant for fuel is the fastest way to destroy ourselves. In the end, what you eat is not nearly as important as how you feel about yourself, and what could be more important than the deep love and gratitude that comes from within? I welcome you to share my journey, and let us learn from each other. Namaste.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold," and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.

The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle." Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have to make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself these things: "When I am on my deathbed, which thing will I remember?  Will I wish I had worked more? Will I wish that I had given more to myself?"

I think the answers are clear.