Some of you may have noticed, but yes, I did skip last week. Creativity was not flowing, and I thought I could probably get away with it, seeing as how I am NOT famous and all that.....yet;)
What inspires me this week is the stark realization that growth and progress are definitely not linear. Rather, they seem to follow a path that has, arguably, NO direction at all. The past year has been a veritable roller coaster of highs, lows, and even lower lows. I have met some of the most influential people of my life, and some of them will be continuing on the journey with me, and others will not. Those who have chosen to veer off in another direction are sent away with love and the hope that they will find their own personal bliss, some day. I realize that sometimes, in order for me to completely move on, I have to experience pain like never before.
My last dating situation was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am a hopeless romantic, and I throw myself into relationships, giving 100%. What I have begun to realize, in this dating hiatus, is that I have never truly felt FREE in that space. I always felt like I had to please the man, and if the relationship wasn't working, that I must be doing something wrong, or not trying hard enough. A friend recently described it as "mopping up their emotional messes." Being in the constant company of a man somehow validated my pain, and even though it felt "good" at the time, it inevitably led to heartbreak and disappointment. You see, I didn't know what I wanted, or who I was, and so it was never really authentic. And to make matters even more complicated, I always matched up my pain with the other person, so they didn't know who THEY were either. It was a dance of lunatic proportions, and destined to fail, time after time. Before too long, I was joining the chorus of "men are impossible" and other beliefs and paradigms which were all supported by my choices. Rinse, cycle, repeat.
I now find myself in a space where I feel completely unencumbered by expectations, fear, or even pain. I make choices every day that serve me, and, in turn, serve others. I trust in the process of the universal flow, because it has really gotten me the results that I have been searching for all this time. I have found LOVE, and it is inside me. I am not talking about the love that you see in the mirror, for it transcends the shallow physical attraction, narcissism, if you will. It is the love that I feel when I am alone, and I wake up, and for the briefest moment before I am fully conscious, I FEEL it. I feel it like a soft blanket, and it soothes my soul. I feel it when my son is upset about something, and he yells at me, and I send him love back. I don't feel any need to react to the anger that is his pain. I feel only love for this beautiful being of light that I am honored to share space with today, and on this planet.
The miracle of all of this is that I have connected with some souls who are focused on the same path, and we have all connected in a space of purity that is simple and profound at the same time. I look back at my experiences of the past year, and all the pain, all the tears, and I see that as growth, and I love it. I realize that every single person who has crossed my path has been for my highest and greatest good, and I love that, too! In the weeks to come, I will turn 48, and I see this year coming in with such a beautiful light, that it almost brings me to tears. My wish is that we can all attain this space of peace and love, and share it with each other. For is that not the greatest gift of all?
Sending you all LOVE and LIGHT on this amazing spring day!