Week 11: I skipped a week

Some of you may have noticed, but yes, I did skip last week. Creativity was not flowing, and I thought I could probably get away with it, seeing as how I am NOT famous and all that.....yet;) 

What inspires me this week is the stark realization that growth and progress are definitely not linear. Rather, they seem to follow a path that has, arguably, NO direction at all. The past year has been a veritable roller coaster of highs, lows, and even lower lows. I have met some of the most influential people of my life, and some of them will be continuing on the journey with me, and others will not. Those who have chosen to veer off in another direction are sent away with love and the hope that they will find their own personal bliss, some day. I realize that sometimes, in order for me to completely move on, I have to experience pain like never before. 

My last dating situation was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am a hopeless romantic, and I throw myself into relationships, giving 100%. What I have begun to realize, in this dating hiatus, is that I have never truly felt FREE in that space. I always felt like I had to please the man, and if the relationship wasn't working, that I must be doing something wrong, or not trying hard enough. A friend recently described it as "mopping up their emotional messes." Being in the constant company of a man somehow validated my pain, and even though it felt "good" at the time, it inevitably led to heartbreak and disappointment.  You see, I didn't know what I wanted, or who I was, and so it was never really authentic. And to make matters even more complicated, I always matched up my pain with the other person, so they didn't know who THEY were either. It was a dance of lunatic proportions, and destined to fail, time after time. Before too long, I was joining the chorus of "men are impossible" and other beliefs and paradigms which were all supported by my choices. Rinse, cycle, repeat. 

I love everything about this picture! 

I love everything about this picture! 

 

I now find myself in a space where I feel completely unencumbered by expectations, fear, or even pain. I make choices every day that serve me, and, in turn, serve others. I trust in the process of the universal flow, because it has really gotten me the results that I have been searching for all this time. I have found LOVE, and it is inside me. I am not talking about the love that you see in the mirror, for it transcends the shallow physical attraction, narcissism, if you will. It is the love that I feel when I am alone, and I wake up, and for the briefest moment before I am fully conscious, I FEEL it. I feel it like a soft blanket, and it soothes my soul. I feel it when my son is upset about something, and he yells at me, and I send him love back. I don't feel any need to react to the anger that is his pain. I feel only love for this beautiful being of light that I am honored to share space with today, and on this planet. 

The miracle of all of this is that I have connected with some souls who are focused on the same path, and we have all connected in a space of purity that is simple and profound at the same time. I look back at my experiences of the past year, and all the pain, all the tears, and I see that as growth, and I love it. I realize that every single person who has crossed my path has been for my highest and greatest good, and I love that, too! In the weeks to come, I will turn 48, and I see this year coming in with such a beautiful light, that it almost brings me to tears. My wish is that we can all attain this space of peace and love, and share it with each other. For is that not the greatest gift of all? 

Sending you all LOVE and LIGHT on this amazing spring day!  

Week Nine: A Blog about Nothing

Week Nine: A Blog about Nothing

This past week has been one of quiet introspection, spent enjoying the outdoors, connecting with friends, and taking care of myself. I am learning to respect myself, and not cling to others for validation; instead, learning to validate myself for the amazing leaps and bounds of growth I am experiencing. All my life, I have searched for the ever elusive "inner peace," and I am realizing that it is not a destination, but a journey. And it is a journey I must traverse alone, at least for a time.

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Week Eight: Sheer Determination is Mine

As weeks go, this one was a strange brew. With all the eclipse energies, as well as this journey I have embarked upon, which has thrown me some curve balls, I am feeling quite unsettled. I am finding that JUST when I think I have hit my stride, and am gathering some speed downhill, someone changes the track and I am suddenly in the middle of unfamiliarity and WAY out of my comfort zone. I am continually asking myself, "What would I normally do here?" and then do the opposite. It has been one of the hardest shifts I have had to make, in recent memory, but the results are starting to show my progress. 

For so many years, I have been the "fun" person. I have been told that I am the person who you ALWAYS want to have at your party, because I can bring the fun. I am a storyteller, and always have loads of dramatic, hilarious stories to tell. Recently, my friend Bonnie told me, "You are interesting just being YOU! There is no need to create drama so that you can be interesting." Wow....that really rattled my cage. Is that what I have been doing? I began to watch my actions and question my decisions, and I realized that is at least partially true. For the last few days, I have been focusing on making choices which create the LEAST drama, and it has been boring, but I think I can find a balance in here somewhere. 

Amazing sunset in NW Arkansas

Amazing sunset in NW Arkansas

 

In the past, when I felt drawn to someone, I would throw myself into the interaction with all my energy. I would be so desperate to be with the people that I wanted to be with, that I lost sight of what really worked, and what really didn't. I missed a lot of red flags and generally ended up in relationships where I was constantly working on myself, and arranging things so that the other person was comfortable and happy. I forgot how to make MYSELF happy, and compromised myself to the point where I didn't recognize myself at all. I am working on bringing in relationships where the other person is already whole, and we can meet in that space.  It is a space where I can be myself, and never be told that I need to change something about myself, or stop being who I am, because it makes the other person uncomfortable. I am never again going to be in a situation where I feel I have to compromise what I REALLY want, to be with someone. I am ENOUGH just being my whole happy self. 

As I continue my journey and learn many new things about myself, I realize, I have been attracting men who validated me in the spaces where I was not able to validate myself. So, what will happen when I am now able to fill in those spaces with my own energy? It is sure to be amazing, EPIC, even. Stay tuned and we shall see, my dear friends. 


Week Seven: Hitting my Stride

A funny thing happens when you push through your fear and do that thing you are most afraid of: FREEDOM. It is the wind that blows when you are hot, and tired, and need a break. It is the coldest drink of water on the hottest summer day. Freedom is, as Janis Joplin sings, "Another word for nothing left to lose", and that could not be more true. I have found my truth, nestled in the old newspapers and that pile of stuff I need to take to Goodwill. Old patterns have no place in my new life, and as I let go of relationships which drain me, and only exist to serve the other person, I feel exhilarated and FREE. 

I always want to see the best in others, and I have a habit of missing who they really are, because I see who they COULD be. The problem with that is obvious, those are the wounded soldiers, and I am the nurse who is constantly tending to them. I am so busy tending to the wounded, that I don't have time to look up and see what else is out there. There are many healthy people walking around, having fun, enjoying life, and I could be among them. Now that I have seen this paradigm, I want OUT. I want to sign up for a new role, and while I can still help those who need it, I want to do it from a place of loving myself enough to have fun, and enjoy life, instead of constantly staying in the pit of despair. That does not resonate with me any longer. 

I am looking around, outside of that old fearful paradigm, and I have already connected with some amazing souls who are doing their work, and on their journey, but are also having fun and enjoying life. What an amazing concept! I feel so grateful that I have connected with like minded souls who support me in MY journey, but also accept my support of theirs. We are all in this together, and everyone falls down, scrapes their knee, and needs a hug. Staying down, not so much. Healing is a conscious choice. You have to FEEL it to HEAL it. 

And I, for one, have decided the dating hiatus is over, but my work is never done. I made the decision in a space of pain, and now that the pain is gone, I feel exhilarated and open to new things. The Universe has sent me someone who is so perfect for where I am now, that I can't ignore it. When the person you have been asking for shows up on your doorstep, how can you walk away? So, I will keep walking my path of truth, and accept the gifts that I am given, and be open to whatever flows into my life, in the love and truth that is MINE, and mine alone. People come and go, and they all have a purpose in my life, but they do not all have longevity. Sometimes, situations happen to push you into something that is out of your comfort zone, and you might not have otherwise been open to it. So, I breathe, and I accept that I am getting all the things I have been asking for, even though it is not with the person I originally thought it would be with. I release my expectations and turn my face upwards to the kiss of the light, and the promise of the love that is mine, to both give, and receive. 

Enjoy this beautiful Friday!!! The beautiful weather we are having echoes the light and love in my soul. Blessings to you all, my friends. 

Week Six: I fall into a small hole

It happens...we all fall down from time to time, and I am no exception. I was feeling especially lit up, and I asked the Universe to bring me some fun. Careful, now........ And here comes a cute boy. My head must have started spinning, and I clicked right back into my old patterns. After one non-date, and a plan for another, the kisses spun my head around and threw me into a backwards spiral. I admit it....I am a sucker for kisses, and promises, but alas, they will never come to fruition. A few days later, I realized what was happening, and I called it off. As my friend Faith reminded me, I fell into a little hole, but it was not the cavern that I normally go into, and it was only for a few days, as opposed to weeks, months, or even years. 

I have to push the reset button, and realize that I am simply giving my value over to others, especially men, WAY too easily. When someone asks me to come over at 9:30 at night, and I am already in my pajamas, I can say no, because that is my truth. I do not have to get up, get dressed, and leave my son at home, while I jump to the commands of a man. If he doesn't like that, well, then, this is not a relationship that I want. I want a man who will offer to come over and bring me dinner, since I have had a long day, and not ask that I make HIM dinner after I have been on my feet all day. I deserve a relationship where I am not afraid to say NO on any level, and I can feel confident that respecting myself and speaking my truth will not EVER be a bad thing. I am not saying that any of the men I have been with are wrong, or bad. I am only saying that I have been giving away my power, and that is ALL about me. When I can consistently stay in my truth, and not have fear around what others will do, THAT is when I will attract the people who are supposed to be in my life. 

As I have said previously, I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful women friends, who have taught me so much, and helped me out of my caverns, and holes. Last night, when I was feeling particularly sad about this latest situation, I was able to connect with two of my amazing soul sisters, and they helped to remind me of the love I have inside myself. It's all about remembering who you are. Remembering the LOVE that you are. Beating yourself up never gets you anywhere, it just keeps you from moving out of your old patterns. You make the choices you do out of pain. We ALL want to be LOVED, and BE LOVE. As my friend Bonnie says, "There is BEING love, and there is DOING love." When you are BEING love, you feel it from the inside out, and nothing can deter you. When you are DOING love, it is contingent on outside validation. Being love is what you are practicing when you do nice things for yourself, and for me, this is going on a hike, talking with a friend, or making a nice meal for myself and my son. I am committed to being love more, and doing love less. When you reach the point where you are in that pure space of love, you are truly free to love others without any agenda, and this is the goal, the journey to happiness. 

A very special place, where butterflies swarm to lovers 

A very special place, where butterflies swarm to lovers 

So, I will climb out of this hole now, and set my boundary with my latest situation, and thank the Universe for the oh-so-helpful reminder of my inner truth and power. I know that there are many more distractions out there, and I am aware that this was simply an opportunity for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not here on earth to heal men, or get them to heal me. I am here to learn to heal myself, and teach others to do the same, so that we can ALL shift our patterns and grow into the space where we are each responsible for our own pain, and choices, and it is (say it with me) NEVER about someone else. 

But I do still like kisses.........:) 

Week Five: Connecting to the Pain

Wow, this past week has been painful on a new level. I cried so hard I thought my head would explode. But I was determined to allow these deep feelings to come up, because I am acutely aware of the fact that these patterns I have been following my entire adult life, are no longer serving me on any level. And to make the changes, I have to bare the depths of my soul. As I meet and overcome the challenges the Universe is throwing my way, I am finding a quiet strength that is far more powerful than the anger I have been holding in my soul. It is a power that is LOVE, and that love is for myself. It is for the little girl who was shushed and shamed into swallowing her pain, and her truth, because others were too afraid of their own darkness. She was forced into healing the ones who continually hurt her, for fear of abandonment, and it was an endless cycle of pain, betrayal, and manipulation. I learned at an early age that my needs were irrelevant, and that I must heal everyone else, because I was not important, and that was my only purpose, to make others happy, especially men. 

I am simply a soul who has been deeply wounded, over lifetimes, and those pain pictures are coming up for me to release. I work very hard to release them in a healthy way, but sometimes I lash out at those who love me, who are close to me. This is called, the human experience. Our wounds, especially the deep ones, are so painful, that sometimes, our old programming takes over, and we leave our body, and we say and do things where we don't recognize ourselves. Our soul family knows not to take this personally, but others, who are still stuck deeply in their own pain, reflect this back to us, and mistakenly believe that WE are causing pain for them, and the pain baton is passed back and forth until one of us withdraws.

 

We are all responsible for our own pain. PERIOD. Others may light it up for us, and yes, some people need to be set behind a healthy boundary, but ultimately, we have to deal with our pain, and removing people from your life, systematically, thinking that if they are gone, your problems will be over, is erroneous, and will lead to isolation and depression. It is NEVER about them. NEVER.

My relationships up to this point have been about healing each other's pain. When you connect with someone on this level, it is always going to be about pain. My goal, in taking this dating sabbatical, is to learn to love myself so deeply, that I will only attract love into my life, and therefore, I do not NEED anyone to heal me. I will be evolving for the rest of my time here on earth, but I will have an established pattern of healing my own pictures, and so my connections will only be about LOVE. This doesn't mean that I won't have pain, or get lit up sometimes, but it does mean that, when I am lit up on those things, I will have a support system in place, and I will have my own tools ready, so that I can do my own work. 

Connecting with nature is balm for my wounded soul 

Connecting with nature is balm for my wounded soul 

If you are in a place of feeling like someone else has "hurt you," or you find yourself saying things like, "he/she did _____ to me," you have a choice: release the pain and heal yourself, or continue to pass that pain baton around. If you choose the latter, ultimately, you will always end up back here, feeling like the victim. You are NOT a victim. You are NEVER a victim. You are a wounded soul who needs to be reminded of your beauty and light, and reconnect to the love you have inside you. 

Do something nice for yourself today. Finish a project this weekend that you have been putting off. Push through the pain that is the wall of your comfort zone, and watch magic happen! It is time, my warriors, the time is NOW. 

Week Four: Shattering patterns

This past week has been illuminating on many levels. I was able to recognize many patterns that have been destructive for me in the past, and, as with anything like that, shining the light on it, dissolves it in short order. I like to compare it to the sunlight, which acts as a natural bleach, just by shining it's beautiful light. 

The first pattern is an old one, which I have talked about in previous posts. It is the "healing men" pattern, but this week, it was all about me. Most of the time, when you are giving a healing, you are also GETTING a healing back. Many of us are working on that picture of "being nice," or "making others feel good." When we give this energy to others, it, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves. You may wonder at this point, "So what? Isn't that what it is all about?" Well, yes and no. You see, when you give to others out of love, and do not NEED a healing back, that is beautiful and amazing. No matter what they do, or how they respond, it feels good. However; when you give to others and expect a thank you, or some kind of reply, and they do not give it to you, then you become resentful. This is the kind of giving that destroys you, and others. It is what we also call, "asking for a healing." 

A good example of this happened at work the other day. I have a co-worker, Judy, who is deep in the people pleasing rut, and she is one of the most unhappy and angry people I know. A customer came in, asking for a piece, and we were out. Judy went to the back, and brought one out, and handed it to the woman, saying, "Here, this is mine, and I was saving it for myself, but I will let you have it. " The customer took it, paid for it, and left. As soon as she walked out the door, Judy began her tirade. "I can't BELIEVE she didn't even say thank you! After I gave her MY OWN piece!" This went on all day. I finally said, "Well, I think it was very kind of you to give that to her. I don't think I would have done that. I am sure she will enjoy it." Judy finally calmed down, as I had given her the healing she needed in that situation, which, in turn, healed me, so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain all day. But I am ok with that! Awareness is key. 

Let the sun illuminate your path! 

Let the sun illuminate your path! 

The second pattern I have become aware of, is the cycle of me, having relationships with men, who have potential, but I fail to see where they actually ARE right now. I have known this pattern existed for me, and have worked on it some, but I found a new layer in the past couple of days. Sometimes I have to hit the excruciating pain in order to clear the layer, and I am going to set the intention that I no longer have to do that. BUT.....this time, I did. Jason and I have been talking pretty regularly, and calling it "friendship." It has, at times, been painful for me, but I realize that I am moving a lot of energy and clearing a lot of my own pictures. As I have said MANY times previously, it is NEVER about someone else. I am responsible for my own pain. Setting boundaries, and recognizing when a situation is no longer serving you, coming from a place of loving yourself, is also a healthy and necessary part of this process. 

Recently, I realized that Jason is not in a space to offer me anything, including friendship. He is too deep in his darkness right now. I am moving the energy differently, and at this point,  I just refuse to fall into it with him. I can't really be his "friend" when he is in that space, and he certainly cannot offer me the kind of friendship I want. As long as I am reaching for him, and bending over backwards to be there for him, he will take the healing, and likely never get out of this hole he has dug for himself.  My fear that he will find another woman to heal his pictures may come to fruition, but that is not a reason for me to stay in a situation that is no longer serving me, or him. No matter what he does, I am moving into a space of being happy, and finally starting to manifest the things I want for myself. If he can step up and be that guy, great. But, if he can't, that is also fine. The Universe will bring me what I am asking for. You cannot have a relationship with potential, no matter how great that potential may be. Allow people to be where they are, and release expectations. The things you are meant to have will come to you easily, with love. 

Week Three: Cracks in the shell of Ego

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I am unsure what will flow onto the page today, and that tells me that I am in the middle of a big shift. I have been feeling it for a couple of days, and last night a wave of pain hit me, that was so intense, it took my breath away. Without my usual distractions, there is no shield, and no buffer. It hits me like a tsunami of consciousness, and the only way to survive it is to take a deep breath, and FEEL it. I do not wish to keep this cycle going, and if I have to actually feel everything right now, I want to make it count. This means many tears will be shed, and many walls will be stared at, and my tribe will gather around the fire with me, and we will share. I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful souls, who are all going through a similar version of what I am feeling, and we are all honest with each other about the process. We all have different ways of coping, but the constant truth is that we are committed to whatever process needs to happen, and we are open to hearing it reflected back to us. 

My friend Brighty has been quite sick for the past 3 weeks, and she is miserable on every level. We were talking yesterday, and she kept saying how much she "hates being sick" and how much "this sucks." I encouraged her to turn that around and LOVE it, and instead of getting defensive and looking at me like I'm crazy, she lit up, and hugged me, and said, "Thank you! I knew you would figure it out!" As she left, I called out, "Feel better!" and she replied, "I LOVE IT!!!" And that is the key, is it not? If what you are doing isn't working, why are you continuing to do it? When someone challenges your methods, instead of immediately getting defensive, why not pause and consider it for a moment? Perhaps you could make a shift and try a new tact. 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

The dating diet has been largely unsuccessful. What has actually been happening, is that I have been getting asked out MORE than ever. I find it amusing, but also very distracting. I tell myself that having coffee with someone is not a date....yea, right, that's a loophole. You can imagine all the justifications that go through my head at this point. My Ego is really making a hard play for it's survival. Living in a college town, being single, is probably the most difficult scenario I could have chosen for myself. Way to go , self.  

The one thing that I have been noticing is that the Universe is totally supporting me when I am in the flow, and when I am not, I FEEL it. I feel it HARD. I feel into an old pattern last night and immediately got knocked on the head. I am fairly stubborn, as most of my friends will attest to, but I think I am about to get it. With Jason, I was like a dog on a leash, pulling and straining to get him to pay attention to me, to validate me, and he was staying just out of reach. I know it didn't feel good to him for me to constantly seek out his attention. So, my challenge for this next week is to go back and lay in the grass, and enjoy looking at the beautiful clouds in the sky, and welcome anyone who comes and hangs with me. I am done seeking it out. I am DONE with that pattern. My friend Bonnie taught me that analogy, and it is a good one. When you have to reach for someone, time and time again, and they never have a chance to miss you, or reach out for you, it sets you up for a severe case of codependency. You become the pursuer, and they are forever the pursued. I don't know about you, but I do not wish to continue that particular pattern. I need a balance, and that will require me to face some more of my inner fears. 

Have a beautiful Saturday, everyone! I am off to enjoy the day!  

Week Two: getting to know ME

It's interesting what happens when you make a decision to do something that is REALLY uncomfortable, without resorting to any coping strategies. At first, it truly feels horrific, but then, as you move through the discomfort, you start to find little treasures and gems of knowledge. This past week has challenged me to reach further into myself than ever before, to really connect with my inner happiness. At first, it was a little bud of growth, but then, it became stronger, and I was able to connect with it, no matter what else was happening. Without the need for anyone else's approval, I became very confident in all my decisions, and was able to move forward on some projects that I had been putting off for quite some time. Without the obsessive energy of worrying constantly about Jason, and what he is or is not doing, I am truly FREE to focus on myself, and simply enjoy the moments when we do connect. The first day that I felt truly happy for the first time, he called me. It was our first conversation in weeks, and it felt easy and light. He said my energy had shifted so much, that I was almost a different person. Funny how that works, when you stop NEEDING validation, here it comes. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, and it is easy and uncomplicated. We are friends, and that is all...for now. 

My 14 year old son, Sam, who is wise beyond his years, gave me the best advice the other day. He said, "Mom, don't try to cross that bridge with Jason again, it is burned. You have to wait until another one is built before you can cross it, or you will just fall into the water again." BAM!  We are each on our own side of the river, working on our side of the bridge, and one day, we will meet in the middle, but not yet. We both have work to do, and it is probably the most important work we will ever do for ourselves.  Neither of us wants to repeat any of our failed relationships, or the one we had together. We both learned so much and helped each other a lot, but it needed to be completely burned so that it can be rebuilt, with new materials, and span a different section of the river. We will both find our own individual happiness and will be able to reconnect in a new space. I am impatient, but excited. 

I discovered a magical place to meditate and hike. I call this: "building a bridge to a castle".

I am enjoying the great outdoors, and rediscovering what I like, without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. I have many friends who are supporting me and loving me through this very important time. I am grateful beyond measure for my tribe! One of my regular walking partners is a beautiful soul named Bonnie. She is the kind of friend who will sing along with the music in the restaurant, is always up for a walk, and one of the most positive, loving people I have ever met. On our walk yesterday,  she invited me to a park that I have not been to since I was a teenager. As soon as we drove up, I saw the city pool and had a flash of a memory that I had been trying to block out. As an 18 year old girl, I used to go to this pool frequently, to sunbathe, and swim, in the heat of the summer. I became friends with the staff, and they invited me to a party one weekend. At the party, one of the lifeguards invited me to his house for an "after-party." He said his roommate would be there, who I thought was cute, so I went along. As soon as we got to his house, his roommate was passed out, and there was no one else there. I went to leave, and he grabbed me, threw me in a chair, and duct taped my hands behind my back. I began to cry, and he duct taped my mouth. He wrapped the tape around me so tight that I could hardly breathe, and then proceeded to scream obscenities, spit beer on me, and throw beer cans at me, for hours. I didn't know if he was going to rape me, kill me, or just keep me tied up until his roommate woke up. I was scared for my life, and I finally indicated that I needed to use the bathroom, and he let me up. I bolted for the door, and ran as fast as I could down the street, finally collapsing in a yard, after making sure he didn't follow me. I will never forget his maniacal laughter, as I ran away. He was out of his mind and I was very lucky to have gotten away when I did. You may wonder why I didn't tell someone, call the police, etc, and it is simple, really. After growing up how I did, with no one to protect me, and no one who would even believe me, I trusted NO ONE to help, and accepted it as my lot in life, that I would be hurt by men, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my reality at the time. 

Bonnie suggested that we walk around the perimeter of the pool to create a healing circle for me to release my pain. I agreed, and we began to circle around. When we reached the entrance, they had redone it, and I had never seen it before, BUT I realized that I had dreamed about it several months ago! It was a sign from above. I reached out to touch the gate, and it all came flooding back to me. I wept, and cried, and sobbed my release. My wrist began to throb, and Bonnie held space for me to heal myself. As soon as I was finished with that part, I stood up straighter, and we finished our walk around. I felt 200 pounds lighter and so amazingly free! The rest of the day, I cycled in and out of sadness, as it continued to release, and went to bed exhausted, but confident that a big shift had just happened. 

Laughter is the best medicine! Keeping it light is imperative, as I go through these intense shifts. 

Laughter is the best medicine! Keeping it light is imperative, as I go through these intense shifts. 


I went back to the park this morning, and sat on a bench, and soaked in the sun as I meditated. I grounded the pool, and the park, and brought it all into present time, so that I could collect all my energy back. I am no longer that girl, and I am safe and cared for, and loved. 

As I continue on my journey into myself, I wonder what else I will find that is buried, and creating a barren landscape above? I am working on a book, which will delve a bit deeper into this topic. But, for now, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy my blog. Love and light to you all today! 

Why I am opting out of dating...for now

Yea, I know...you have heard it all before, you probably assume I am a man hater, had my heart broken one too many times, etc., but let me enlighten you, I love men, I love people, and while I will admit that my heart has been recently broken, I don't see it as a bad thing at all. Let me explain......

If you read my blogs regularly, you know I am a sexual abuse survivor, and was cast out of my family because I chose to speak out, instead of accept the role they wanted me to play: the "meek woman who allows men to do whatever they want, because they are far superior and know better than little ol' me".  If you aren't familiar with that particular paradigm, Google the Duggar Family scandal and you are basically reading my story. 

Josh Duggar

Josh Duggar

 

So, I was set up to idolize men, and depend on them, and taught that my very survival depended on their acceptance of me. If I didn't have a man, I was worthless, and had failed. I grew up and educated myself on how to be attractive, how to please men in every way, and how to make sure that he was never angry with me, because that would result in severe punishment, or even worse, rejection and isolation. This set me up for every conceivable situation, where the abuse began to pile up, and after being repeatedly raped, kidnapped, and molested by many men in the church, and my own family, I found this to be my reality. I accepted it, because my attempts to tell anyone who was supposed to have my best interest in mind, was always met with "Hush up, they would never do something like that." I developed a bit of an anger issue, and then I was "a problem". My dating experiences always ended badly, because I needed validation from every man I came into contact with, and I needed to know that they ALL wanted me, which was the only thing that made me feel like I was succeeding in life. Many jealous boyfriends later, I met my now ex husband, who was a force to be reckoned with, and I wanted so badly to have a family and a "normal" life, that I immersed myself in therapy and finally addressed many of the abuse and destructive patterns that had plagued me for so long. I was able to stay married for 11 years, and have 2 beautiful sons, before that all came crashing down. My patterns caught up with me again, and my relationship fell apart. 

Twin Flames 

Twin Flames 

 

After a few years of sowing my wild oats and reconnecting with who I thought I was, again, I met a younger man who was fun, attractive, and desperately in love with me. Thus began a 3 year off and on relationship, where we would break up, and get back together, repeatedly. It finally got to the point where he was stalking me, and I filed a restraining order. In looking back, I realize that I was sending him mixed messages, because I would tell him not to talk to me, but when he did reach out, I let him back in, over and over again. In my current line of work, we call this a "healing agreement". I was finally able to distance myself from him for a time, but the energy was still there. I worried about him, wondered if he was ok, and generally just felt bad about cutting him off. This went on for a month or so, and then I met another man. At the time, I felt I was done with my ex, but in reality, I had not truly dealt with it, so my healing agreement with him, was simply transferred to the next relationship. 

This man was everything I wanted, and he seemed to feel the same about me. We talked for HOURS, had many things in common, and best of all, I had known him for a long time, and I knew he was a good person. He wanted to protect me, and love me, and I was all too willing to accept those things which had been missing in my life for so long. I moved across the country, so we could be together, and he changed his life around to be with me, too. We were deliriously happy, for a time, and then.....disaster stuck, once again. I became aware that he was unhappy, and the more desperately I tried to heal that, the more distant he became. We finally agreed to take some time apart, and I cried every day of that two weeks. We got back together, with contingencies, and these things were really not ok with me, but I said yes, because the alternative was to lose him. I became anxious, and clingy, and hated myself for it. He tried to make me happy, but lost his sense of self, and we began to spiral down again. We broke up a few more times, and the same pattern repeated over and over again, until two weeks ago, I could not shake my sense of impending doom. We finally had a conversation about it, and he admitted that he didn't really love me any more. I was devastated, and struggled to understand what I had done wrong, but he said I had done nothing wrong. As he lost who he was, to try and heal me, he lost his love for himself, and therefore; his love for me. I realized that I had done the same thing, and we agreed to make this the final break up. The first few days, we texted and talked a little bit, but then he stopped responding, and I became fearful again. I tried to coax him out, but he shut down further.

I began to realize that this was a situation that I had created, because I have a desperate need for the approval of men. I have never been without a male interest in my life, and so this is what I feel I must do now. It is the most painful thing I have dealt with, in recent memory, but after 2 weeks of crying, and emoting, and gathering my friends in to support me, I am understanding it HAS to happen for me to find myself, truly. It is shocking to me that I have not realized this sooner, and it saddens me to no end, that I may very well lose this wonderful man because of it, but I ultimately do trust that whatever happens is for my higher good, and I must move into it.  

So, If you would like to follow my journey, I will be posting about the process, and I promise to be totally transparent and honest with you, the reader. My finish line is June 2016, and I am scared, unsure, and sad, but I am determined above all else. Wish me luck!

Transitions and candlelit hallways

A Dream I had last night:

"I am running through a magical forest, with a man following me closely, but I am not aware of who he is. I get the sense that he is supporting me, but also allowing me to do what I need to do. I am searching for something, but I am not sure what it is, until I find it. It is a special type of knife, with a blade in a very strange shape. It flips open and I understand that it is a key, to unlock a door, through which I will then begin looking for another key/knife. I must then return this key to it's original place so that others may find it and finish their quest. My male companion helps me to bury it, and we go through the door together. 

I am then alone in a castle, in a room, where another woman is asking me many questions, and I want to leave, but can't. I am remembering a warm night where I laid under the stars and communed with a large group of people, and we were all happy and content. I am now cold and lonely, and I don't like it. I see another girl exit the room through a door that I had not noticed previously, and as I go over to examine the door, I see some pills tucked into a crevice, and I know that they are sleeping pills, or some kind of sedative. I understand that these have been given to me so that I cannot find my way out. The next day I see that the pills are gone, and I can leave. So, I open the secret door and begin my journey down the candlelit hallway. I am afraid that someone will try to stop me, but I am determined to at least try." 

The first part of the dream is the door to awakening. I find the key for myself, but I need to leave it for others to find for themselves, too. I am not sure who the man is, but it could be my ex boyfriend, who is an amazing soul and has supported me through many transitions and awakenings, in the past.  

The second part of the dream is all about me, interrogating myself, and keeping myself locked in a relentless line of questions, where there are no answers, and I finally have the courage to take a different path, even though I am afraid. This makes a lot of sense because I have, in the past, been very hard on myself, and I am learning that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this stuff. 

You may or may not believe in dream interpretation, but I find it illuminating and fascinating. I have many dreams, of which I can usually find some sort of answer, or validation, and it is always positive. I rarely have nightmares, but I used to have them, as a child. As I have moved out of the dark shadow that was my family, I have found many positive and uplifting souls with which to share my journey. Some have fallen away, but it is all for the greater good. 


As 2016 starts to take shape, I am going through one of the most challenging times in recent memory. Staying positive and centered is very difficult, and some days I fail. But, one thing I know for sure, is that this is ALL about my personal growth, and it is a very important step in my journey. Pain is part of releasing the past, at least for me, in this moment. Relationships come and go, and people are fallible, but I can always trust that the things that happen, and the people I choose to have in my life, are all part of important lessons and growth opportunities. And that is something that I never forget. 

Authentic Living aka Finding your Inner Truth

Let me start with a shocking revelation: I am human, and I enjoy every facet of that experience. When I am feeling sad, or angry, and someone says to me, "But aren't you supposed to be this big spiritual teacher?" I say, " How can I teach it if I do not live it?" The human experience is all about ups and downs. I enjoy having the capacity to feel the full range of emotions. When my heart is hurting, do I enjoy it? Of course not, but when I am done processing it, and I have learned a little bit more about myself, I come out on the other side stronger, and a little bit wiser. And, the next time someone comes to me and has a broken heart, I can say, "I understand how you feel, and let me show you what worked for me." THAT is the value, as far as I am concerned. 

 

When I used to feel pain, I would employ many of the coping strategies which are readily available to any of us today. Shopping, drinking, eating, sex, drugs, etc., are all completely accepted and even encouraged in today's society. But, what I found, is that the moment you trade your pain for one of these distractions, you miss the lesson, and are doomed to repeat it over and over again until you get it. If you never get it, you become stagnant, and are likely depressed and miserable in that rut. I meet people every day who are stuck, and feel that they have no choices. "But I have to keep this job, or I can't pay my bills," is one that I hear a lot. "I have to stay in this relationship because I don't want to hurt the other person," is another one. In the end, you are hurting yourself, and you are unhappy, and that is a direct result of choices. There are all kinds of truth out there, which one will you choose for yourself? 

When you choose your truth, and your happiness, others (who are stuck in that old paradigm of pleasing everyone but themselves), will not like it, and may become angry with you, or tell you "You hurt me!" This is not accurate. We all have pain, and in the past, have looked to others to heal it for us. This is the old relationship paradigm that I have talked about a lot lately. We have been taught to put others before ourselves, and to avoid hurting people's feelings, at all costs. The new energies are encouraging us all to step into our own truths, and each of us to heal our own pain. For example, when you feel that someone "hurt" you, look deeper. What hurts you? That the other person stopped loving you? Why? Do you truly love yourself? Then what others think of you does not determine your value, and you can allow them to go on their way, as they are honoring their truth, which is actually loving themselves. You can both move on, and find places and people who match up with you better. It doesn't have to be a giant healing circle all day, every day. We can each find our inner love, and open the door for anyone to come in and share it, but no one can take it away from us. 

I encourage each of you to examine all your old attachments and beliefs, and really ask yourself if you are honoring your truth with all of those. If the answer is no, why are you still in them? Obligation? If so, are you truly happy and 100% fulfilled? If each of us fully stepped into our truth, what a beautiful world it would be! 

A Soul Journey

A soul's journey is never complete. When people ask me, "When will I be done with all this?" I always answer, "Never, so just settle in for the ride." Evolution is, inherently, a process that does not end. Death is the end of evolution, simply put. If you believe, as I do, in reincarnation, then you can even speculate that your evolution is eternal. What you do not learn in this lifetime, is passed along with your energy as you choose your next vessel, and that is what many refer to as "karma." 

Relationships with other living beings are always about passing energy from one to the other. When you have a friend who is struggling, your connection and natural desire to "help" them creates an energy exchange, in which you take some of their pain for them. If you do this for many people, you will find another living being to take come of YOUR pain, and so on. I call this the "pain baton." What if, instead of passing it along, we just learned to transmute it and process it within ourselves? If everyone did this, we would eradicate all the co-dependence and relationships would be about love. Think about a relationship where you each have space to process your own pain, and you each recognize this in each other. You do not blame each other for your pain, instead, you are able to assist each other in looking at your root cause, and eliminate those wounds altogether.


I have been reading "Spiritual Partnerships," by Gary Zukov, and this has challenged my relationship paradigm in a very good way. He has a great way of explaining things and really eases the reader into understanding and accepting new ideas. Many concepts and beliefs that we have built our relationships upon, are changing with the times. The old belief of meeting "your other half" is now replaced with "two whole loving beings who meet and share their lives with each other." This new space allows each person to have separate hobbies and passions, and it can look to others, stuck in the old paradigm, that you are not even in a "relationship." They may question your time apart and try to label it as "weird" or "unhealthy." 

The other part of the evolved relationship is truth. When you choose truth over fear, you are creating a highly evolved place of trust and freedom. Things like jealousy, or anger, are eradicated, because you are always open and there is no subterfuge. "Are you attracted to that other woman?" and the reply comes, "Yes, she has pretty eyes and seems kind,"  is met with understanding, as you can be attracted to someone else, but that does not threaten your relationship, since you are secure in your love and your self esteem is high. You may encourage your partner to go talk to her, or you may go over together, as you can acknowledge the beauty in others and not feel immediately threatened. Those negative fears are a thing of the past when you have your own happiness and self love. My partner and I speak freely of these things because he knows that I am secure in myself, and our love transcends jealousy, because I want him to pursue his happiness and truth over ALL other things. I support his evolution and he supports mine. If we are meant to be together, we will be. If we are not meant for each other, that will be shown to us. There is no fear, because we both want the best for all humans, and we understand that evolution is a process. 

As you form relationships, whether it be friendships, intimate partnerships, or even family dynamics, keep in mind that YOU are the beginning and end of your happiness. It is ALWAYS about you. No one else is to blame for your anxiety, anger, fear, etc. You have stored memories which trigger emotions, and others can bring this out in you. At that point you have a choice, whether to blame others, and pass the pain baton, or to allow the feelings to wash over you and take the opportunity to heal yourself. 

For more information, shoot me an email, or make an appointment. I can show you tools and assist you in your soul's journey. Many blessings and love today! 

Anger is your best teacher

How many times have you said to yourself, "What a jerk! I can't believe he\she said\did that!" I have come to realize that these moments are the best teachers we have. If you spend all your time with people who tell you the things you want to hear, you are in a rut. Now, let me clarify: You are never served by allowing others to abuse you on any level. I am just talking about that one person that always seems so willing to point out your faults and weaknesses, not necessarily in a mean-spirited way, but you may not seek them out regularly because it is challenging to be around them. You feel bad about yourself when they are around, and the natural inclination is to just take yourself in the opposite direction. 


I had a woman in my life who was like this for me, some years ago. She just made me bristle and I avoided her whenever it was possible. A teacher of mine pointed out that she was simply very good at pointing out truths that she saw in me, and that were painful for me because I did not want to look at those. I learned some tools that I could use to protect myself, should any malice be attached to that, and it became interesting for me to be around her. I actually learned a lot about myself in that situation, because she had nothing to lose, so she was always painfully honest with me. 

After reading Eckhart Tolle, and understanding about the ego, and how it creates anger to keep us from evolving, I was further intrigued and adapted a new mantra: If it makes me mad or defensive, it is something I need to look at. It wasn't always easy, and I wasn't always able to pass by the anger, but what started to happen was that I accessed parts of myself that I had locked away for a very long time, and was able to start to release them. In the years since, it is rare for me to actually become angry with another person, because I enjoy the introspection that I gain from letting their observations create a curiosity instead. 

So, next time you hear something that makes you want to defend yourself, look for your truth. You may just learn something valuable! 

What are you distracting yourself from?

Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time.
— Johanna de Silentio

I saw this quote this morning and it gave me pause. I am 47 years old and I feel like I don't really have anything figured out, at least, not completely. I am exploring what I really want for the first time in my life, and I am finding that my truth has been hidden beneath a layer of what others wanted. I have been a perpetual people pleaser most of my life, especially when it comes to men. And, to ask myself the big question, "How is that working out for you?" my answer is a resounding "It has not, at all!" So, how to back out of a life that has been built around false truths and passions? THAT is the question I am asking myself lately. Many people have been angry with me, and I have come to realize that they are simply confused at my new persona. I am taking care of my needs first, imagine that!

Inherently, we form bonds with people who fit into our current paradigm. They are assigned roles in our little dramas and we all go around playing out those roles. We become angry with them when they play out the role we assigned them, so that we have someone to blame for our unrest and pain. I have begun to realize that NO ONE is to blame for my pain, except myself. Seriously, I know it sounds like a load of dirty hippie laundry, but it is actually very freeing to come into this realization. When I can take total responsibility for all my pain and unrest, I am free to change it. We are very powerful creators, and if you can create a bunch of drama and pain, what could you create by turning that around?

sam lake sequoyah.jpg


Eliminating distractions, one by one, I have noticed that these make up a huge part of my life. In closing up my home of ten years, I was appalled at the amount of useless junk I had accumulated. Some of it had never been used, other things had been completely forgotten and replaced with a newer model. Consumerism is based on instant gratification, and this is the ultimate distraction. How fast can you acquire something, whether it be a movie, a new electronic device, or an item of clothing? When you first hold that item in your hands, you feel a sense of "ahhhhhhhhh, something new" for about 15 seconds. Then, a week later, or sometimes even a day later, you absorb it into your other possessions, and you will soon begin to lust after some other new item. I have even felt this with groceries! Yea, I *may* have a problem......

I am really focused on allowing myself to feel whatever comes up, without distracting myself, and I have noticed a few changes already. My grocery bill has gone down, my Target trips are few and far between, and I am appreciating quiet time, natural beauty, and my relationships more than ever. I find myself craving adventures and experiences rather than possessions. I challenge you to do the same, for a week, only buy those things that you REALLY need, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without insulation or distraction. I would love to hear from you, let me know how it goes. 

Blessings, Andrea

How to stop creating unnecessary drama

Most of us have certain beliefs about our lives, and we call them our "realities." What we often fail to understand, though, is that these are simply a manifestation of our self talk. For example, when you say things like, "When men are angry, they can't control themselves," we are not stating the "truth"; rather, we are sending out an intention to the universe that will be manifested by all the men we encounter in the future. 

Sociopathic behavior has been the norm for my expectations of others, for many years

Sociopathic behavior has been the norm for my expectations of others, for many years

 

I recently undertook a huge life change, to be with the man I love. I moved across the country and needed a place to stay. After lengthy conversations with a good friend, who I have known for 28 years, it was decided that my son and I would stay with he and his wife for a period of time, until we could find a more permanent place to live. I also asked him if it was all right for my son to stay with him while I had an extended weekend with my boyfriend, and he agreed. My son was excited, and I was under the impression that my friend was, also. After a couple of days, I received a text message from my friend, saying, "We need to talk....and by that I mean you need to listen!" Concerned, I immediately called him, and for the next 30 minutes, listened to him list all the horrible things I had done, and how difficult my son was to deal with. After several attempts to reconcile what he thought happened with what I thought happened, I realized that he really just needed to be mad at me, for whatever reason, and it wasn't really about me. My truth didn't match his truth, and nothing I said or did was going to reverse what he thought. After we hung up, I realized that it was the same energy as my family, and how, no matter what I said or did, I was always going to be wrong, in their eyes. Any attempt on my end to defend myself was going to result in them just invalidating me and telling me I was a liar. They cannot accept responsibility because it is too painful. 

When people "do things to you," there are always three sides to the story: yours, theirs, and what really happened. If your perception is different than theirs, it's an argument, and can easily escalate into a full blown debate. Sometimes, as in my friend's case, they just need to feel like they are justified in hating you, because that is what they need to feel better about themselves. I admit, I was shocked, but after I had time to clear my space, I realized that actually, I had created this, because of my own version of "reality." In my world, growing up, I was always the "troublemaker" and the "problem child." I accepted this role because I was a child and had no power. It was 5 against 1 and I was a little girl. Today, I am a strong, capable woman, who has a voice, personal power, and the ability to create amazing things for myself, and that is just what I intend to do. 

It is a fine line between speaking up for yourself, and allowing people to spin in circles without becoming involved. In my case, I tried to resolve the issue with my friend initially, but it soon became clear that he did not want to resolve it; rather, he wanted to be angry with me and blame me for everything that is wrong with his life. Nothing he was saying was resonating with my own truth, but he is entitled to his opinion and feelings. When he was done, I told him that I heard him, and I understood. And I totally do. However; our friendship is over, and I accept that there was nothing I could do to change that. He was already on a trajectory of destruction, and who am I to stand in the way of that? I am creating a new reality for myself and my sons, one in which men/people are kind and loving, and mentally stable. The reality that has been my belief for so long, is clearing, and the skies are sunny and clear from hereon out. I wake up every day, grateful for the man who is now by my side, and the friends who are loving and kind, while also maintaining healthy boundaries. It's a beautiful day! 


Hello, Long Stretch of Love!

This morning, as I hit the "send" button on the email that would sever my ties with my family, I felt a sense of sadness, but then, immense relief. In the background, a song is playing, "Long Stretch of Love," which feels like encouragement from the Universe for the steps I am taking now to reclaim the power that was taken from me in such a cruel way, all those years ago. There will always be naysayers, and critics, in your life, but there is a point where you either believe them, or you don't. And when you choose the path of your own inner truth, it is often painful and lonely, at first. In the past few weeks,  my illness has taught me many things about who loves me and who is only in my life to take from me. Unfortunately, my family is in the latter category. They all participated in a massive cover up for the in-home abuse, and later, other relatives, and friends of the family, all of which I was the victim. In speaking my truth, from the time I was 4 years old, I was told to be quiet, and that I was only imagining things. It is heart wrenching for me to look back at all the times I felt so alone and unsupported, in my own home. It is time for me to step into the love that is available for me, and out of the dark place of hoarding the shame, both my own, as well as theirs. In the months and years to follow, I feel sure that I will be challenged and hated, but how is that different than what I have dealt with up to this point? 

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you know that I have recently attracted my Twin Flame soul mate, and the love that we share is giving me strength to deal with this massive injustice which has perpetuated itself for far too long. My two sons are wondrously supportive and loving, and I have an amazing group of friends who keep me grounded in truth and love. The most important part of my journey has been learning to forgive those who have hurt me, yet still retaining the lessons and healthy boundaries, which allow me to reclaim my personal power.  I truly believe that I had to clear that negative energy out of my space before I had room for the love that was waiting for me. 

While of course I am saddened by the decision I was forced to make regarding my family, it is necessary to stand up for myself, at 47 years old, and say, "Enough! No more!" My path is taking me somewhere amazing, and I can't wait to see what my "Long stretch of love" looks like.  

Long stretch of Love <3

Long stretch of Love <3