Week Three: Cracks in the shell of Ego

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I am unsure what will flow onto the page today, and that tells me that I am in the middle of a big shift. I have been feeling it for a couple of days, and last night a wave of pain hit me, that was so intense, it took my breath away. Without my usual distractions, there is no shield, and no buffer. It hits me like a tsunami of consciousness, and the only way to survive it is to take a deep breath, and FEEL it. I do not wish to keep this cycle going, and if I have to actually feel everything right now, I want to make it count. This means many tears will be shed, and many walls will be stared at, and my tribe will gather around the fire with me, and we will share. I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful souls, who are all going through a similar version of what I am feeling, and we are all honest with each other about the process. We all have different ways of coping, but the constant truth is that we are committed to whatever process needs to happen, and we are open to hearing it reflected back to us. 

My friend Brighty has been quite sick for the past 3 weeks, and she is miserable on every level. We were talking yesterday, and she kept saying how much she "hates being sick" and how much "this sucks." I encouraged her to turn that around and LOVE it, and instead of getting defensive and looking at me like I'm crazy, she lit up, and hugged me, and said, "Thank you! I knew you would figure it out!" As she left, I called out, "Feel better!" and she replied, "I LOVE IT!!!" And that is the key, is it not? If what you are doing isn't working, why are you continuing to do it? When someone challenges your methods, instead of immediately getting defensive, why not pause and consider it for a moment? Perhaps you could make a shift and try a new tact. 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

The dating diet has been largely unsuccessful. What has actually been happening, is that I have been getting asked out MORE than ever. I find it amusing, but also very distracting. I tell myself that having coffee with someone is not a date....yea, right, that's a loophole. You can imagine all the justifications that go through my head at this point. My Ego is really making a hard play for it's survival. Living in a college town, being single, is probably the most difficult scenario I could have chosen for myself. Way to go , self.  

The one thing that I have been noticing is that the Universe is totally supporting me when I am in the flow, and when I am not, I FEEL it. I feel it HARD. I feel into an old pattern last night and immediately got knocked on the head. I am fairly stubborn, as most of my friends will attest to, but I think I am about to get it. With Jason, I was like a dog on a leash, pulling and straining to get him to pay attention to me, to validate me, and he was staying just out of reach. I know it didn't feel good to him for me to constantly seek out his attention. So, my challenge for this next week is to go back and lay in the grass, and enjoy looking at the beautiful clouds in the sky, and welcome anyone who comes and hangs with me. I am done seeking it out. I am DONE with that pattern. My friend Bonnie taught me that analogy, and it is a good one. When you have to reach for someone, time and time again, and they never have a chance to miss you, or reach out for you, it sets you up for a severe case of codependency. You become the pursuer, and they are forever the pursued. I don't know about you, but I do not wish to continue that particular pattern. I need a balance, and that will require me to face some more of my inner fears. 

Have a beautiful Saturday, everyone! I am off to enjoy the day!  

Week Two: getting to know ME

It's interesting what happens when you make a decision to do something that is REALLY uncomfortable, without resorting to any coping strategies. At first, it truly feels horrific, but then, as you move through the discomfort, you start to find little treasures and gems of knowledge. This past week has challenged me to reach further into myself than ever before, to really connect with my inner happiness. At first, it was a little bud of growth, but then, it became stronger, and I was able to connect with it, no matter what else was happening. Without the need for anyone else's approval, I became very confident in all my decisions, and was able to move forward on some projects that I had been putting off for quite some time. Without the obsessive energy of worrying constantly about Jason, and what he is or is not doing, I am truly FREE to focus on myself, and simply enjoy the moments when we do connect. The first day that I felt truly happy for the first time, he called me. It was our first conversation in weeks, and it felt easy and light. He said my energy had shifted so much, that I was almost a different person. Funny how that works, when you stop NEEDING validation, here it comes. We have seen each other a couple of times since then, and it is easy and uncomplicated. We are friends, and that is all...for now. 

My 14 year old son, Sam, who is wise beyond his years, gave me the best advice the other day. He said, "Mom, don't try to cross that bridge with Jason again, it is burned. You have to wait until another one is built before you can cross it, or you will just fall into the water again." BAM!  We are each on our own side of the river, working on our side of the bridge, and one day, we will meet in the middle, but not yet. We both have work to do, and it is probably the most important work we will ever do for ourselves.  Neither of us wants to repeat any of our failed relationships, or the one we had together. We both learned so much and helped each other a lot, but it needed to be completely burned so that it can be rebuilt, with new materials, and span a different section of the river. We will both find our own individual happiness and will be able to reconnect in a new space. I am impatient, but excited. 

I discovered a magical place to meditate and hike. I call this: "building a bridge to a castle".

I am enjoying the great outdoors, and rediscovering what I like, without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. I have many friends who are supporting me and loving me through this very important time. I am grateful beyond measure for my tribe! One of my regular walking partners is a beautiful soul named Bonnie. She is the kind of friend who will sing along with the music in the restaurant, is always up for a walk, and one of the most positive, loving people I have ever met. On our walk yesterday,  she invited me to a park that I have not been to since I was a teenager. As soon as we drove up, I saw the city pool and had a flash of a memory that I had been trying to block out. As an 18 year old girl, I used to go to this pool frequently, to sunbathe, and swim, in the heat of the summer. I became friends with the staff, and they invited me to a party one weekend. At the party, one of the lifeguards invited me to his house for an "after-party." He said his roommate would be there, who I thought was cute, so I went along. As soon as we got to his house, his roommate was passed out, and there was no one else there. I went to leave, and he grabbed me, threw me in a chair, and duct taped my hands behind my back. I began to cry, and he duct taped my mouth. He wrapped the tape around me so tight that I could hardly breathe, and then proceeded to scream obscenities, spit beer on me, and throw beer cans at me, for hours. I didn't know if he was going to rape me, kill me, or just keep me tied up until his roommate woke up. I was scared for my life, and I finally indicated that I needed to use the bathroom, and he let me up. I bolted for the door, and ran as fast as I could down the street, finally collapsing in a yard, after making sure he didn't follow me. I will never forget his maniacal laughter, as I ran away. He was out of his mind and I was very lucky to have gotten away when I did. You may wonder why I didn't tell someone, call the police, etc, and it is simple, really. After growing up how I did, with no one to protect me, and no one who would even believe me, I trusted NO ONE to help, and accepted it as my lot in life, that I would be hurt by men, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my reality at the time. 

Bonnie suggested that we walk around the perimeter of the pool to create a healing circle for me to release my pain. I agreed, and we began to circle around. When we reached the entrance, they had redone it, and I had never seen it before, BUT I realized that I had dreamed about it several months ago! It was a sign from above. I reached out to touch the gate, and it all came flooding back to me. I wept, and cried, and sobbed my release. My wrist began to throb, and Bonnie held space for me to heal myself. As soon as I was finished with that part, I stood up straighter, and we finished our walk around. I felt 200 pounds lighter and so amazingly free! The rest of the day, I cycled in and out of sadness, as it continued to release, and went to bed exhausted, but confident that a big shift had just happened. 

Laughter is the best medicine! Keeping it light is imperative, as I go through these intense shifts. 

I went back to the park this morning, and sat on a bench, and soaked in the sun as I meditated. I grounded the pool, and the park, and brought it all into present time, so that I could collect all my energy back. I am no longer that girl, and I am safe and cared for, and loved. 

As I continue on my journey into myself, I wonder what else I will find that is buried, and creating a barren landscape above? I am working on a book, which will delve a bit deeper into this topic. But, for now, let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy my blog. Love and light to you all today! 

Why I am opting out of dating...for now

Yea, I know...you have heard it all before, you probably assume I am a man hater, had my heart broken one too many times, etc., but let me enlighten you, I love men, I love people, and while I will admit that my heart has been recently broken, I don't see it as a bad thing at all. Let me explain......

If you read my blogs regularly, you know I am a sexual abuse survivor, and was cast out of my family because I chose to speak out, instead of accept the role they wanted me to play: the "meek woman who allows men to do whatever they want, because they are far superior and know better than little ol' me".  If you aren't familiar with that particular paradigm, Google the Duggar Family scandal and you are basically reading my story. 

Josh Duggar

So, I was set up to idolize men, and depend on them, and taught that my very survival depended on their acceptance of me. If I didn't have a man, I was worthless, and had failed. I grew up and educated myself on how to be attractive, how to please men in every way, and how to make sure that he was never angry with me, because that would result in severe punishment, or even worse, rejection and isolation. This set me up for every conceivable situation, where the abuse began to pile up, and after being repeatedly raped, kidnapped, and molested by many men in the church, and my own family, I found this to be my reality. I accepted it, because my attempts to tell anyone who was supposed to have my best interest in mind, was always met with "Hush up, they would never do something like that." I developed a bit of an anger issue, and then I was "a problem". My dating experiences always ended badly, because I needed validation from every man I came into contact with, and I needed to know that they ALL wanted me, which was the only thing that made me feel like I was succeeding in life. Many jealous boyfriends later, I met my now ex husband, who was a force to be reckoned with, and I wanted so badly to have a family and a "normal" life, that I immersed myself in therapy and finally addressed many of the abuse and destructive patterns that had plagued me for so long. I was able to stay married for 11 years, and have 2 beautiful sons, before that all came crashing down. My patterns caught up with me again, and my relationship fell apart. 

Twin Flames 

After a few years of sowing my wild oats and reconnecting with who I thought I was, again, I met a younger man who was fun, attractive, and desperately in love with me. Thus began a 3 year off and on relationship, where we would break up, and get back together, repeatedly. It finally got to the point where he was stalking me, and I filed a restraining order. In looking back, I realize that I was sending him mixed messages, because I would tell him not to talk to me, but when he did reach out, I let him back in, over and over again. In my current line of work, we call this a "healing agreement". I was finally able to distance myself from him for a time, but the energy was still there. I worried about him, wondered if he was ok, and generally just felt bad about cutting him off. This went on for a month or so, and then I met another man. At the time, I felt I was done with my ex, but in reality, I had not truly dealt with it, so my healing agreement with him, was simply transferred to the next relationship. 

This man was everything I wanted, and he seemed to feel the same about me. We talked for HOURS, had many things in common, and best of all, I had known him for a long time, and I knew he was a good person. He wanted to protect me, and love me, and I was all too willing to accept those things which had been missing in my life for so long. I moved across the country, so we could be together, and he changed his life around to be with me, too. We were deliriously happy, for a time, and then.....disaster stuck, once again. I became aware that he was unhappy, and the more desperately I tried to heal that, the more distant he became. We finally agreed to take some time apart, and I cried every day of that two weeks. We got back together, with contingencies, and these things were really not ok with me, but I said yes, because the alternative was to lose him. I became anxious, and clingy, and hated myself for it. He tried to make me happy, but lost his sense of self, and we began to spiral down again. We broke up a few more times, and the same pattern repeated over and over again, until two weeks ago, I could not shake my sense of impending doom. We finally had a conversation about it, and he admitted that he didn't really love me any more. I was devastated, and struggled to understand what I had done wrong, but he said I had done nothing wrong. As he lost who he was, to try and heal me, he lost his love for himself, and therefore; his love for me. I realized that I had done the same thing, and we agreed to make this the final break up. The first few days, we texted and talked a little bit, but then he stopped responding, and I became fearful again. I tried to coax him out, but he shut down further.

I began to realize that this was a situation that I had created, because I have a desperate need for the approval of men. I have never been without a male interest in my life, and so this is what I feel I must do now. It is the most painful thing I have dealt with, in recent memory, but after 2 weeks of crying, and emoting, and gathering my friends in to support me, I am understanding it HAS to happen for me to find myself, truly. It is shocking to me that I have not realized this sooner, and it saddens me to no end, that I may very well lose this wonderful man because of it, but I ultimately do trust that whatever happens is for my higher good, and I must move into it.  

So, If you would like to follow my journey, I will be posting about the process, and I promise to be totally transparent and honest with you, the reader. My finish line is June 2016, and I am scared, unsure, and sad, but I am determined above all else. Wish me luck!

Transitions and candlelit hallways

A Dream I had last night:

"I am running through a magical forest, with a man following me closely, but I am not aware of who he is. I get the sense that he is supporting me, but also allowing me to do what I need to do. I am searching for something, but I am not sure what it is, until I find it. It is a special type of knife, with a blade in a very strange shape. It flips open and I understand that it is a key, to unlock a door, through which I will then begin looking for another key/knife. I must then return this key to it's original place so that others may find it and finish their quest. My male companion helps me to bury it, and we go through the door together. 

I am then alone in a castle, in a room, where another woman is asking me many questions, and I want to leave, but can't. I am remembering a warm night where I laid under the stars and communed with a large group of people, and we were all happy and content. I am now cold and lonely, and I don't like it. I see another girl exit the room through a door that I had not noticed previously, and as I go over to examine the door, I see some pills tucked into a crevice, and I know that they are sleeping pills, or some kind of sedative. I understand that these have been given to me so that I cannot find my way out. The next day I see that the pills are gone, and I can leave. So, I open the secret door and begin my journey down the candlelit hallway. I am afraid that someone will try to stop me, but I am determined to at least try." 

The first part of the dream is the door to awakening. I find the key for myself, but I need to leave it for others to find for themselves, too. I am not sure who the man is, but it could be my ex boyfriend, who is an amazing soul and has supported me through many transitions and awakenings, in the past.  

The second part of the dream is all about me, interrogating myself, and keeping myself locked in a relentless line of questions, where there are no answers, and I finally have the courage to take a different path, even though I am afraid. This makes a lot of sense because I have, in the past, been very hard on myself, and I am learning that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this stuff. 

You may or may not believe in dream interpretation, but I find it illuminating and fascinating. I have many dreams, of which I can usually find some sort of answer, or validation, and it is always positive. I rarely have nightmares, but I used to have them, as a child. As I have moved out of the dark shadow that was my family, I have found many positive and uplifting souls with which to share my journey. Some have fallen away, but it is all for the greater good. 

As 2016 starts to take shape, I am going through one of the most challenging times in recent memory. Staying positive and centered is very difficult, and some days I fail. But, one thing I know for sure, is that this is ALL about my personal growth, and it is a very important step in my journey. Pain is part of releasing the past, at least for me, in this moment. Relationships come and go, and people are fallible, but I can always trust that the things that happen, and the people I choose to have in my life, are all part of important lessons and growth opportunities. And that is something that I never forget. 

Authentic Living aka Finding your Inner Truth

Let me start with a shocking revelation: I am human, and I enjoy every facet of that experience. When I am feeling sad, or angry, and someone says to me, "But aren't you supposed to be this big spiritual teacher?" I say, " How can I teach it if I do not live it?" The human experience is all about ups and downs. I enjoy having the capacity to feel the full range of emotions. When my heart is hurting, do I enjoy it? Of course not, but when I am done processing it, and I have learned a little bit more about myself, I come out on the other side stronger, and a little bit wiser. And, the next time someone comes to me and has a broken heart, I can say, "I understand how you feel, and let me show you what worked for me." THAT is the value, as far as I am concerned. 

When I used to feel pain, I would employ many of the coping strategies which are readily available to any of us today. Shopping, drinking, eating, sex, drugs, etc., are all completely accepted and even encouraged in today's society. But, what I found, is that the moment you trade your pain for one of these distractions, you miss the lesson, and are doomed to repeat it over and over again until you get it. If you never get it, you become stagnant, and are likely depressed and miserable in that rut. I meet people every day who are stuck, and feel that they have no choices. "But I have to keep this job, or I can't pay my bills," is one that I hear a lot. "I have to stay in this relationship because I don't want to hurt the other person," is another one. In the end, you are hurting yourself, and you are unhappy, and that is a direct result of choices. There are all kinds of truth out there, which one will you choose for yourself? 

When you choose your truth, and your happiness, others (who are stuck in that old paradigm of pleasing everyone but themselves), will not like it, and may become angry with you, or tell you "You hurt me!" This is not accurate. We all have pain, and in the past, have looked to others to heal it for us. This is the old relationship paradigm that I have talked about a lot lately. We have been taught to put others before ourselves, and to avoid hurting people's feelings, at all costs. The new energies are encouraging us all to step into our own truths, and each of us to heal our own pain. For example, when you feel that someone "hurt" you, look deeper. What hurts you? That the other person stopped loving you? Why? Do you truly love yourself? Then what others think of you does not determine your value, and you can allow them to go on their way, as they are honoring their truth, which is actually loving themselves. You can both move on, and find places and people who match up with you better. It doesn't have to be a giant healing circle all day, every day. We can each find our inner love, and open the door for anyone to come in and share it, but no one can take it away from us. 

I encourage each of you to examine all your old attachments and beliefs, and really ask yourself if you are honoring your truth with all of those. If the answer is no, why are you still in them? Obligation? If so, are you truly happy and 100% fulfilled? If each of us fully stepped into our truth, what a beautiful world it would be! 

A Soul Journey

A soul's journey is never complete. When people ask me, "When will I be done with all this?" I always answer, "Never, so just settle in for the ride." Evolution is, inherently, a process that does not end. Death is the end of evolution, simply put. If you believe, as I do, in reincarnation, then you can even speculate that your evolution is eternal. What you do not learn in this lifetime, is passed along with your energy as you choose your next vessel, and that is what many refer to as "karma." 

Relationships with other living beings are always about passing energy from one to the other. When you have a friend who is struggling, your connection and natural desire to "help" them creates an energy exchange, in which you take some of their pain for them. If you do this for many people, you will find another living being to take come of YOUR pain, and so on. I call this the "pain baton." What if, instead of passing it along, we just learned to transmute it and process it within ourselves? If everyone did this, we would eradicate all the co-dependence and relationships would be about love. Think about a relationship where you each have space to process your own pain, and you each recognize this in each other. You do not blame each other for your pain, instead, you are able to assist each other in looking at your root cause, and eliminate those wounds altogether.

I have been reading "Spiritual Partnerships," by Gary Zukov, and this has challenged my relationship paradigm in a very good way. He has a great way of explaining things and really eases the reader into understanding and accepting new ideas. Many concepts and beliefs that we have built our relationships upon, are changing with the times. The old belief of meeting "your other half" is now replaced with "two whole loving beings who meet and share their lives with each other." This new space allows each person to have separate hobbies and passions, and it can look to others, stuck in the old paradigm, that you are not even in a "relationship." They may question your time apart and try to label it as "weird" or "unhealthy." 

The other part of the evolved relationship is truth. When you choose truth over fear, you are creating a highly evolved place of trust and freedom. Things like jealousy, or anger, are eradicated, because you are always open and there is no subterfuge. "Are you attracted to that other woman?" and the reply comes, "Yes, she has pretty eyes and seems kind,"  is met with understanding, as you can be attracted to someone else, but that does not threaten your relationship, since you are secure in your love and your self esteem is high. You may encourage your partner to go talk to her, or you may go over together, as you can acknowledge the beauty in others and not feel immediately threatened. Those negative fears are a thing of the past when you have your own happiness and self love. My partner and I speak freely of these things because he knows that I am secure in myself, and our love transcends jealousy, because I want him to pursue his happiness and truth over ALL other things. I support his evolution and he supports mine. If we are meant to be together, we will be. If we are not meant for each other, that will be shown to us. There is no fear, because we both want the best for all humans, and we understand that evolution is a process. 

As you form relationships, whether it be friendships, intimate partnerships, or even family dynamics, keep in mind that YOU are the beginning and end of your happiness. It is ALWAYS about you. No one else is to blame for your anxiety, anger, fear, etc. You have stored memories which trigger emotions, and others can bring this out in you. At that point you have a choice, whether to blame others, and pass the pain baton, or to allow the feelings to wash over you and take the opportunity to heal yourself. 

For more information, shoot me an email, or make an appointment. I can show you tools and assist you in your soul's journey. Many blessings and love today! 

Anger is your best teacher

How many times have you said to yourself, "What a jerk! I can't believe he\she said\did that!" I have come to realize that these moments are the best teachers we have. If you spend all your time with people who tell you the things you want to hear, you are in a rut. Now, let me clarify: You are never served by allowing others to abuse you on any level. I am just talking about that one person that always seems so willing to point out your faults and weaknesses, not necessarily in a mean-spirited way, but you may not seek them out regularly because it is challenging to be around them. You feel bad about yourself when they are around, and the natural inclination is to just take yourself in the opposite direction. 

I had a woman in my life who was like this for me, some years ago. She just made me bristle and I avoided her whenever it was possible. A teacher of mine pointed out that she was simply very good at pointing out truths that she saw in me, and that were painful for me because I did not want to look at those. I learned some tools that I could use to protect myself, should any malice be attached to that, and it became interesting for me to be around her. I actually learned a lot about myself in that situation, because she had nothing to lose, so she was always painfully honest with me. 

After reading Eckhart Tolle, and understanding about the ego, and how it creates anger to keep us from evolving, I was further intrigued and adapted a new mantra: If it makes me mad or defensive, it is something I need to look at. It wasn't always easy, and I wasn't always able to pass by the anger, but what started to happen was that I accessed parts of myself that I had locked away for a very long time, and was able to start to release them. In the years since, it is rare for me to actually become angry with another person, because I enjoy the introspection that I gain from letting their observations create a curiosity instead. 

So, next time you hear something that makes you want to defend yourself, look for your truth. You may just learn something valuable! 

What are you distracting yourself from?

“Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time.”

— Johanna de Silentio

I saw this quote this morning and it gave me pause. I am 47 years old and I feel like I don't really have anything figured out, at least, not completely. I am exploring what I really want for the first time in my life, and I am finding that my truth has been hidden beneath a layer of what others wanted. I have been a perpetual people pleaser most of my life, especially when it comes to men. And, to ask myself the big question, "How is that working out for you?" my answer is a resounding "It has not, at all!" So, how to back out of a life that has been built around false truths and passions? THAT is the question I am asking myself lately. Many people have been angry with me, and I have come to realize that they are simply confused at my new persona. I am taking care of my needs first, imagine that!

Inherently, we form bonds with people who fit into our current paradigm. They are assigned roles in our little dramas and we all go around playing out those roles. We become angry with them when they play out the role we assigned them, so that we have someone to blame for our unrest and pain. I have begun to realize that NO ONE is to blame for my pain, except myself. Seriously, I know it sounds like a load of dirty hippie laundry, but it is actually very freeing to come into this realization. When I can take total responsibility for all my pain and unrest, I am free to change it. We are very powerful creators, and if you can create a bunch of drama and pain, what could you create by turning that around?

Eliminating distractions, one by one, I have noticed that these make up a huge part of my life. In closing up my home of ten years, I was appalled at the amount of useless junk I had accumulated. Some of it had never been used, other things had been completely forgotten and replaced with a newer model. Consumerism is based on instant gratification, and this is the ultimate distraction. How fast can you acquire something, whether it be a movie, a new electronic device, or an item of clothing? When you first hold that item in your hands, you feel a sense of "ahhhhhhhhh, something new" for about 15 seconds. Then, a week later, or sometimes even a day later, you absorb it into your other possessions, and you will soon begin to lust after some other new item. I have even felt this with groceries! Yea, I *may* have a problem......

I am really focused on allowing myself to feel whatever comes up, without distracting myself, and I have noticed a few changes already. My grocery bill has gone down, my Target trips are few and far between, and I am appreciating quiet time, natural beauty, and my relationships more than ever. I find myself craving adventures and experiences rather than possessions. I challenge you to do the same, for a week, only buy those things that you REALLY need, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without insulation or distraction. I would love to hear from you, let me know how it goes. 

Blessings, Andrea

How to stop creating unnecessary drama

Most of us have certain beliefs about our lives, and we call them our "realities." What we often fail to understand, though, is that these are simply a manifestation of our self talk. For example, when you say things like, "When men are angry, they can't control themselves," we are not stating the "truth"; rather, we are sending out an intention to the universe that will be manifested by all the men we encounter in the future. 

Sociopathic behavior has been the norm for my expectations of others, for many years

I recently undertook a huge life change, to be with the man I love. I moved across the country and needed a place to stay. After lengthy conversations with a good friend, who I have known for 28 years, it was decided that my son and I would stay with he and his wife for a period of time, until we could find a more permanent place to live. I also asked him if it was all right for my son to stay with him while I had an extended weekend with my boyfriend, and he agreed. My son was excited, and I was under the impression that my friend was, also. After a couple of days, I received a text message from my friend, saying, "We need to talk....and by that I mean you need to listen!" Concerned, I immediately called him, and for the next 30 minutes, listened to him list all the horrible things I had done, and how difficult my son was to deal with. After several attempts to reconcile what he thought happened with what I thought happened, I realized that he really just needed to be mad at me, for whatever reason, and it wasn't really about me. My truth didn't match his truth, and nothing I said or did was going to reverse what he thought. After we hung up, I realized that it was the same energy as my family, and how, no matter what I said or did, I was always going to be wrong, in their eyes. Any attempt on my end to defend myself was going to result in them just invalidating me and telling me I was a liar. They cannot accept responsibility because it is too painful. 

When people "do things to you," there are always three sides to the story: yours, theirs, and what really happened. If your perception is different than theirs, it's an argument, and can easily escalate into a full blown debate. Sometimes, as in my friend's case, they just need to feel like they are justified in hating you, because that is what they need to feel better about themselves. I admit, I was shocked, but after I had time to clear my space, I realized that actually, I had created this, because of my own version of "reality." In my world, growing up, I was always the "troublemaker" and the "problem child." I accepted this role because I was a child and had no power. It was 5 against 1 and I was a little girl. Today, I am a strong, capable woman, who has a voice, personal power, and the ability to create amazing things for myself, and that is just what I intend to do. 

It is a fine line between speaking up for yourself, and allowing people to spin in circles without becoming involved. In my case, I tried to resolve the issue with my friend initially, but it soon became clear that he did not want to resolve it; rather, he wanted to be angry with me and blame me for everything that is wrong with his life. Nothing he was saying was resonating with my own truth, but he is entitled to his opinion and feelings. When he was done, I told him that I heard him, and I understood. And I totally do. However; our friendship is over, and I accept that there was nothing I could do to change that. He was already on a trajectory of destruction, and who am I to stand in the way of that? I am creating a new reality for myself and my sons, one in which men/people are kind and loving, and mentally stable. The reality that has been my belief for so long, is clearing, and the skies are sunny and clear from hereon out. I wake up every day, grateful for the man who is now by my side, and the friends who are loving and kind, while also maintaining healthy boundaries. It's a beautiful day! 

Hello, Long Stretch of Love!

This morning, as I hit the "send" button on the email that would sever my ties with my family, I felt a sense of sadness, but then, immense relief. In the background, a song is playing, "Long Stretch of Love," which feels like encouragement from the Universe for the steps I am taking now to reclaim the power that was taken from me in such a cruel way, all those years ago. There will always be naysayers, and critics, in your life, but there is a point where you either believe them, or you don't. And when you choose the path of your own inner truth, it is often painful and lonely, at first. In the past few weeks,  my illness has taught me many things about who loves me and who is only in my life to take from me. Unfortunately, my family is in the latter category. They all participated in a massive cover up for the in-home abuse, and later, other relatives, and friends of the family, all of which I was the victim. In speaking my truth, from the time I was 4 years old, I was told to be quiet, and that I was only imagining things. It is heart wrenching for me to look back at all the times I felt so alone and unsupported, in my own home. It is time for me to step into the love that is available for me, and out of the dark place of hoarding the shame, both my own, as well as theirs. In the months and years to follow, I feel sure that I will be challenged and hated, but how is that different than what I have dealt with up to this point? 

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you know that I have recently attracted my Twin Flame soul mate, and the love that we share is giving me strength to deal with this massive injustice which has perpetuated itself for far too long. My two sons are wondrously supportive and loving, and I have an amazing group of friends who keep me grounded in truth and love. The most important part of my journey has been learning to forgive those who have hurt me, yet still retaining the lessons and healthy boundaries, which allow me to reclaim my personal power.  I truly believe that I had to clear that negative energy out of my space before I had room for the love that was waiting for me. 

While of course I am saddened by the decision I was forced to make regarding my family, it is necessary to stand up for myself, at 47 years old, and say, "Enough! No more!" My path is taking me somewhere amazing, and I can't wait to see what my "Long stretch of love" looks like.  

Long stretch of Love <3

Are you using social media to connect with joy, or fear?

 As I scroll through my social media accounts, I notice that the joy is slowly being drained out of me, and replaced with fear, and anger. There are countless causes and tragedies which desperately need our attention. As I started to realize what was happening, I decided it was important to focus on positive changes, instead of getting gridlocked into the negativity. Why do we, as a human race, want to focus on the negative so much? Are we steeped in fear from the beginning? Perhaps it is time to achieve a balance.

I have long noted a phenomenon which seems to afflict some more than others, I call it being a "news junkie." The one thing these people seem to have in common is a deep seated unhappiness and lack of personal fulfillment. They seem to find satisfaction in the many causes and outrages perpetuated by society, and they scream and argue without really becoming involved on any tangible level. I had a very short dating stint with a man such as this, and he could not go more than a few hours without watching the news. It was an addiction, and one that very quickly interfered with our relationship and ultimately ended it. Even though I agreed with his political views, I just could not stomach the constant barrage of negativity that he seemed to feed off of. There was no balance, and no connection to joy. 

Today, I challenge you to notice if you are becoming sucked into any kind of drama or negativity, and perhaps, make a different choice. It's easy enough to step away from your social media, a text, or the sad videos on YouTube. How can you contribute in a positive way and reverse that flow? I like to donate money (doesn't have to be a lot) to the causes I am most passionate about. If possible, I will help send emails, or post about solutions on my social media. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. 

Connect with your joy and leave the negativity behind!

What happened to the world?

I love myself and others, and I am a caring, compassionate woman. The fact I don’t subscribe to a certain set of religious beliefs is only a small part of who I am, and it certainly doesn't define me as a “problem.” I believe in a God who loves me, and doesn't care that I don’t participate in organized religion. Many have been deemed by religious groups as “bad” and “sinful,” but are just hurting and in need of a non-judgmental hand to help them out of their own anger and self-hatred, much as I did. Judging others and telling them they are “bad” is not helpful. In fact, it drives people to hate themselves, and, in time, they stop caring about others, too. The world is hurting, and it is NOT because they aren't all sitting in the pews of the church. It is because we have judged and blamed each other to the point where no one is really taking responsibly for their own behavior any more. 

Many are in transition at this time on the planet, and we need to be compassionate with each other, and ourselves, during this time. To me, it feels like "waves" of energy, washing over me, sometimes big, sometimes small, sometimes intense, sometimes mellow. I appreciate it all as a part of the human experience. When you have a great day, appreciate it and spend time in gratitude. When you are having a tough day, you can remember your last wave with even more appreciation, and know that it will pass, maybe leaving some gifts behind as it goes, in the form of life lessons. If you bury your pain, it will not ever bear the fruit of the lesson. I am not a fan of the expression, "no pain, no gain," but in this case, it is true. The pain is what creates the growth that is needed for you to evolve. Denying it, and numbing it, simply prolongs the inevitable which is your lesson. It will keep coming back until you finally learn what you are meant to learn.

I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing evolving souls in the past few months, and their joy and appreciation for the process has reawakened my own gratitude. Surround yourself with those who you aspire to become, and they will support your process. If you continue to rotate in the same patterns and beliefs which have created your unfulfilled and unhappy life, you will not be able to move out of that space. You have to make different choices to get different results. 

Are you pursuing your passions every day? Ask yourself, "If I could do anything, and be 100% guaranteed of success, what would I do?" The answer is your passion. You may be lucky enough to get your answer right away, or maybe you are even already practicing your passion! For most, it will be a process of asking yourself that question every day for a period of time, to shed the layers of obligation and responsibility which keep most of us hidden from our truth. We hide our passions in layers of unworthiness, doubt, and energetic agreements with others. 

This is YOUR time. Use it wisely. 

Your biggest challenge can be your best teacher

I have lots of dreams, and some of them seem to be more profound than others. I will go through periods of time where I am having prophetic dreams every night, and then I will go for a while where I am having crazy clown dreams. Last night, after attending a workshop where we released and updated behaviorial agreements, I had an extremely profound dream and felt led to share it with you. 

“I am standing in a group of people, outside of a cave, and it is being decided who should go in with me. I feel impatient for them to decide so that I can get inside. There is a sense of urgency and I am not entirely sure why. It is finally decided that my friend Jason will go with me, and we proceed to the entrance, he with trepidation, and me, with a growing sense of urgency. I am practically dragging him with me, as we enter the first tunnel, and make our way along the path. Suddenly, on the right hand side, a platform is illuminated, and there is a tableau playing out for us. We go over and step into the scene, where we are actors, and we are assigned parts to play. The part I am given is that of a little girl, who is beaten down, physically and emotionally, until a kind boy brings me flowers, and that small act of kindness gives me hope. The hope is that not everyone is mean and abusive, and I cling to that hope as I pick myself up and start to smile up at the boy, who is now looking nervous, as people start to yell at him, “What are you doing? Why are you being nice to her? Leave her alone!” He and I laugh, and we run away together, holding hands as only children can do, and we find ourselves in the cave, again as adults. We proceed deeper into the cave, and find more of these opportunities to play actors in various scenes, all of which seem to echo my life experiences in some way. We come upon a bend in the tunnel, and as we round into it, we see a fire beginning to burn toward us. We turn and run, but I keep getting distracted by the various tableaus playing out, and I get singed a few times. Jason is now dragging ME, and we finally make it to the entrance, where we leap out, just in time, and the whole cave is engulfed in flames. We sit and watch it burn itself out, and when it is all done, I go in to survey the damage. What is left is a hollowed out version of the cave. All the platforms are gone, and the fire has left the walls strangely clean and new. I understand that I can now start to rebuild, and I bring my friends in, showing them all the places we can make our own. I feel excited!””

My interpretation of the dream is that all my past traumas have taught me some valuable lessons, but it is time to let all that go and move forward. The fire symbolizes the equalizing of the playing field, and the hollowed out cave represents the new space I am moving into. It is clear, and available for whatever I want it to be. The past few months have shown me a lot of painful memories from the past, and I have spent a lot of time working on forgiveness, for myself as well as others. It is of no use for me to hold on to the trauma of my past, and those who have perpetuated this shame and anger along with me. I am no longer that little girl who was helpless to set boundaries and protect herself. I am a strong, adult woman, who can say NO and make different choices. I don't need the approval of others to move on with my life and stand in my truth.

When you let go of these past traumas, it leaves a big hole. It can feel really overwhelming and uncomfortable, but this is simply the fear of the unknown. New paths are harder to navigate at first, but as you persevere, it will become easier and easier, until it is your new pattern. Isn't it time to release the hold these events and people have on you? When you are "mad" at someone, or allow hurt to dictate your actions and feelings, you have given your power away. You have allowed outside forces to tell you how to act, feel, and be. Creating a new space means taking all this power back and using it to your advantage, and to serve your higher purpose. 

You can run, but you can't hide....from your life lessons

It's 8 a.m. and the neghbor's dog is barking....AGAIN. I went to bed last night with the ringing in my ears, and woke up to the same sound. It makes me want to scream. After 10 years of dealing with this, and having the woman come over and assualt me verbally in front of my 6 year old child, I just have to give this up to a higher power. Lately, I have been asking myself, "What is my lesson here?" There is no logical solution, as I have called animal control countless times, and even been to mediation, where I was assured it would be dealt with. 

I have realized this is a pattern, and it echoes a dynamic in my family situation, where they treat me in a very passive aggressive manner, and as soon as I set a boundary, I am "out of control" and "a problem." I have recently realized that this is also considered socipathic behavior, or "gas lighting."  I moved as far away as I could to escape this dynamic, and guess what? It followed me, and now I have these neighbors who mirror the exact same situation. I created the same set of problems because I still attract that energy. I am a magnet for sociopathic behavior. NOT what I want!

Has this ever happened to you? Do you often wonder why you keep ending up with the same versions of a different relationship? Do you despair that there are "no good men/women out there?" It's all about energy, and what you are attracting. Other energetic beings (dogs, people, etc.) are attracted to what you are projecting, and you all enter into an agreement of sorts, to play these roles in each other's lives. If you can shift your perspective, and neutralize what you are putting out, you can change the entire dynamic. It's easy to blame others and play the role of victim, but this will never get you out of it. You have to change the way you process it in your mind. 

In this case, it has been baby steps, but I am finally to the point where I am not scared of them. I have realized that they are just playing the role that I needed them to so that I could process how I am treated in my family. For a long time, I have been afraid of them, and sought their approval on some level. I am finally realizing that the only approval rating that matters, is my own. When I begin to love myself, these things just "magically" shift all around me. I am not scared to speak up and tell my story, because the threat of having no relationship with them is removed. I ALREADY have no relationship with them; even worse, the relationship causes me pain and drama continually, so why do I even want it? I have bent over backwards to gain their love and approval and been met with nothing but hostility and drama. I am saying ENOUGH. It is time to move into the space of truth and love. I am not angry; rather, I am loving myself and having compassion for them. I do not condone the behavior, but I also do not need to continue to participate in it. My behavior has not been in my truth, and that needs to stop. I can't keep reacting; rather, I have to disengage. And THAT is where I ultimately find my peace. 

Your behavior has to stand alone. When you use other's bad behavior to measure your own, you know you are in a reactive state. Just because they created the drama doesn't mean you have to jump in. One of the most common ways we get sucked in, is defending ourselves. When you start to feel like you have to "prove they are wrong," you are buying a losing ticket. You will NEVER win that one. Believe in yourself and what others think is irrelevant. 

If you would like help in moving the energy that is holding you hostage, reach out! I can help you. Email me for available times and special rates. 

Conquering the demons of weight gain and body issues: one day at a time

Many times, when I sit down to write, I have no idea what is going to come out on the page. It's almost always not what I would expect. Today, I felt the need to write, and I have NO expectations at all. After getting grounded, and taking a few deep breaths, I just sat down and started tapping the keys. 

Growing up, I was the only girl in a family with three older brothers. My mother had her own body image issues, and used to tell me how fat she was all the time. As I became a young woman and my body filled out, normally, my brothers teased me for getting "fat," and my mother's words haunted me in the back of my mind. My thighs looked bigger than all the other girls and I would lament this daily. My hair was straight and blonde, unlike most of my friends, and I was painfully "different." At a time in my life where I was most vulnerable and suceptible to suggestion, I was blasted with invalidation and criticism. Of course, this soon became a full blown eating disorder, and so began my adult life as a woman who was never happy with her weight, hair, skin, etc. I missed so many years where I was beautiful and strong, and healthy, as I look back on photos where I coulod just SEE the unhappiness oozing out of me. I developed a drinking habit, and became "the party girl" in an attempt to numb out of the self hatred. Once again, my family criticized me for this, and constantly told me how much of a bad girl I was. If I were to believe them, I was a horrible person, fat and ugly beyond repair. Yet, ironically enough, I was still attractive enough to be molested multiple times. This became the only form of validation I received, and so, I sought it out. Sex was the only thing that made me feel validated, and the message came back that I was good at it, so I kept doing it. I could ALWAYS get some guy in the sack, and it became who I was for many years. 

Pretty typical of me during that time period. Ironically, I was thin here, but desperately unhappy. 

When I got married, the train slowed down, because I really wanted a family and a chance at a normal life. I went to therapy for many years, and joined an incest survivors group, which helped me to start to process the agony that was the mixed message I grew up with.  I was able to find forgiveness for those who had wronged me, and I desperately wanted to find my happiness, apart from the pain that had defined me for the better part of a decade. I became a mother, and was able to set aside my eating disordered behavior and produce two very healthy and normal children. 

As my children have grown into young men, my younger son is now 13, the age where everything began to fall apart for me. His body is changing and he laments the little belly that he has. It brings up all my own pain at that age, and I am traversing this road right along with him. His father (we are now divorced) tells him he is "getting a little pudgy," and this makes me want to scream. We all have our insecurities abiout our bodies, but that does not mean that we have to pass them along to our children. What if, instead of freaking out when our adolescent child begins to thicken and grow normally, we just encourage them to eat healthy, wear the correct size clothing, and practice daily activity? Or, better yet, what if we model this for them? There is no need to pass along your eating disorder or your self hatred. And, while you are at it, stop with your own negative self talk, espcially in front of your children.  We are literally creating the epidemic of obesity by modeling our dysfunctional body relationship to the younger generation. 

I maintain a healthy lifestyle with daily walks and juicing. It feels good! 

As soon as this all crystallized for me, after speaking with a client who was struggling with the same issues, I decided it is time for me to start loving myself. No more negative self talk, even if it is subconscious or silent. Every day, I start the day by looking in the mirror, and saying, "I love you." I touch all the parts of me that I have hated, and tell them "I love you." The first few times, I cried. It was probably the first time I had ever really given love to myself that way. My body has given me so much joy, and so much pain, but which should I focus on? I can not thrive in pain, I can only create in joy. 

The Anger Trap

Many people have shared with me in recent weeks how they feel totally taken over by anger and fear. This results in many actions, including projecting that towards others. When you find yourself playing  the blame game, it's time to step back and look in the mirror. Most of us were invalidated and teased when we were young and vulnerable. Children are born with a healthy sense of self, but that can quickly be destroyed by well intentioned but damaging parenting practices, and assorted caretakers. It does not serve us to blame our parents, caretakers, or siblings; but, rather, to simply move forward into forgiveness and the freedom that comes with that. 

Forgiveness is not the condoning of actions, it is taking back our power from the situation and not allowing it to affect us any longer. When you are angry with someone, you are giving them control over you, and actually allowing them to dictate your actions and emotions. They are most likely either unaware of your anger, or unaffected. This creates a situation where you are, as one of my favorite sayings goes, "allowing them to live rent free in your head." There are plenty of people for us to be angry with, who have wronged us, and others.  Most of those people are unaware of their crimes, and have their own justifications for their behavior. A person who cuts you off in traffic is likely unaware that your day is now ruined and you will be telling your friends about them later. So, the question is: Why are you allowing that to happen? Do we enjoy being angry? I believe that answer is subjective, but the simple solution is to "let it go." As you learn to let go of these connections to people who are in their own amount of pain, you are then able to really look at your own pain, and begin to release that. Because that is the bottom line, isn't it? 

“ Happy people don’t need to cause pain for others.”

To learn more about the process of shifting this energy and moving into positive empowerment, contact me for a session HERE. The power of positivity is real! 

Are you settling?

Even though you may not want to admit it, you are probably "settling" on some level with something in your life. Settling occurs when you accept something less than what you really want, because you don't believe you can have it. Think about your relationship for a minute. Is it everything you want? Or, have you settled into it, and you're comfortable, so you stay? An easy way to flush this out is to ask yourself, "If I could have anyone, or any relationship, in the world, who would it be with?" If the answer is anyone other than who you are with, you are settling. This may seem harsh, but it is actually kinder to release someone from their obligation to you, than to keep them around, stuck with you in a relationship that isn't their ultimate destiny. We may allow ouselves to get our feelings hurt, and go into fear, but that doesn't have to happen. Your soulmates are out there wandering around, looking for you, and you are wasting time and energy in a situation that does not serve you, or them. It doesn't have to be emotionally damaging to release someone from a relationship with you. Society and old beliefs would have us hating our exes, but this is not how it has to be. Everyone who touches our lives is a valuable part of our journey, and releasing them lovingly is important so that you can learn your lessons. Holding on to bitterness, hurt, or anger, just keeps you stuck, and connected to them. It's a toxic cycle.

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The other common form of settling is with your career. Ask yourself, "If I could do anything I wanted to, and be sure that I would succeed, what would that be?" If the answer is anything other than what you are doing, you are not pursuing your passion, or your life purpose. You probably have all kinds of justifications and excuses, like, "I am too old to start a new career." or "I can't make money doing what I want to do," but that is just fear talking. How many people have failed on their way to success? All of them. The difference is, they keep trying, until they succeed, instead of giving up because of a few failed attempts. So many of us have fear about this, and we unintentionally put this fear onto others. We tell ourselves that we are trying to "help" others, but what are we really doing? We are enabling them in their unhappiness, and encouraging them to settle for the "safe" choice. There are no limits except for the ones we set for ourselves. 

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What would the world look like if no one settled for anything less than what they truly wanted? I don't even know, but it has to be better than where we are. Depression and mental illness are at an all time high, as is unemployment, and divorce. All these things would start to disappear if we all trusted ourselves and were encouraged to pursue our passions from an early age. There are no dreams to big, or too small. 

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

— Henry David Thoreau