January 9, 2013 I wrote this a year and a half ago, and I am happy to report that I no longer have these kinds of days. I consider this a HUGE step and really love the validation that comes from reading it. Thank you to all who have been a part of this shift for me!
June 21, 2011
Today started out in a promising way, just like any other day. However, it soon became clear that the shifting that has been slowly sliding me downhill was going to take me very quickly into that lower realm. It started with another argument with my mother, about truth. Her truth is different than mine, but she insists it is “fact”. I keep telling her that neither of us is wrong, but she can’t make her truth my fact. This baffles her and we go around in circles endlessly. I finally realize that I have to let her think I agree with her before we can move on. It is slightly like arguing with a child only I am constrained by my desire to pay her the respect and homage that I feel she deserves.
Update: My mother and I have now eased into a very rewarding, loving relationship, and I actually look forward to talking with her now. Mom, if you are reading this, thank you for being the best mom a girl could have! You are my number one supporter and I love you!
I then have to call the credit card company and ask for them to lower my interest rates, as I am not working and I really want to pay the card off, so them charging me 25% interest is counterproductive. After going through 15 minutes of questioning, and answering a lot of personal financial questions, I am told they don’t have that “available” for me. REALLY????? I hold back my biting remark and hang up the phone.
Update: I stopped paying my bill a few months later, and I plan to pay it all back as soon as I can, but their lack of willingness to work with me at the point when I needed it, made the decision to stop paying, that much easier for me. Thank you, big corporations that care nothing about the consumer:)
I then set off to pick up my son from school. On the way in, I watch a woman park her car in front of someone’s driveway, and I point this out to her. She waves it off, saying, “I’ll just be 5 minutes”. I come out 25 minutes later and her car is still there. I stop myself from calling the parking enforcement, telling myself, “It’s none of my business”. Why does it piss me off so much????
Update: This still makes me cringe when I see little "injustices" in the world, but more and more I can trust that I do not need to get involved and fight everyone's battles for them. I know that I have my hands full with my own boundaries and issues. Not to say that I would not stand up for someone if I saw them being mistreated, but on issues like this, where the other person is responsible for setting the boundary, I have to let people learn their own lessons.
The last straw comes when I arrive back home, coughing and sick (as I have been for the past 3 weeks), and my son and his friend are playing a video game, ignoring the fact that I asked him 4 hours ago to please do the dishes so that I can start dinner when I get home. I remind him and he waves me away, saying, “I’ll get to it”. I bite back my response, not wanting to embarrass him in front of his friend, but an hour later, when he still hasn’t done it, I raise my voice and remind him AGAIN. “Mom! Stop bugging me!” I LOSE IT.
Update: My son and I had a heart to heart talk after this incident, and he felt really badly for his part in my "bad day". He is only 18 and still learning how to interpret and respond to other's feelings. We came up with a system for preventing these types of situations in the future, and it is much better now. Additionally, we found and treated the mold problem in our house, so I have not been sick again:)
This is the part of the story where I go into my room and cry. But about 10 minutes into that, I realize, this is my life. So I wipe away my tears and go into the kitchen and start dinner. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Conclusion: As I have learned to set boundaries and stop taking responsibility for everyone else, my life has gotten much calmer. My book was a culmination of all I learned from these experiences, and many many more that were similar. My most fervent wish is that I can help all of you never have this kind of day either!