Why I am opting out of dating...for now

Yea, I know...you have heard it all before, you probably assume I am a man hater, had my heart broken one too many times, etc., but let me enlighten you, I love men, I love people, and while I will admit that my heart has been recently broken, I don't see it as a bad thing at all. Let me explain......

If you read my blogs regularly, you know I am a sexual abuse survivor, and was cast out of my family because I chose to speak out, instead of accept the role they wanted me to play: the "meek woman who allows men to do whatever they want, because they are far superior and know better than little ol' me".  If you aren't familiar with that particular paradigm, Google the Duggar Family scandal and you are basically reading my story. 

Josh Duggar

So, I was set up to idolize men, and depend on them, and taught that my very survival depended on their acceptance of me. If I didn't have a man, I was worthless, and had failed. I grew up and educated myself on how to be attractive, how to please men in every way, and how to make sure that he was never angry with me, because that would result in severe punishment, or even worse, rejection and isolation. This set me up for every conceivable situation, where the abuse began to pile up, and after being repeatedly raped, kidnapped, and molested by many men in the church, and my own family, I found this to be my reality. I accepted it, because my attempts to tell anyone who was supposed to have my best interest in mind, was always met with "Hush up, they would never do something like that." I developed a bit of an anger issue, and then I was "a problem". My dating experiences always ended badly, because I needed validation from every man I came into contact with, and I needed to know that they ALL wanted me, which was the only thing that made me feel like I was succeeding in life. Many jealous boyfriends later, I met my now ex husband, who was a force to be reckoned with, and I wanted so badly to have a family and a "normal" life, that I immersed myself in therapy and finally addressed many of the abuse and destructive patterns that had plagued me for so long. I was able to stay married for 11 years, and have 2 beautiful sons, before that all came crashing down. My patterns caught up with me again, and my relationship fell apart. 

Twin Flames 

After a few years of sowing my wild oats and reconnecting with who I thought I was, again, I met a younger man who was fun, attractive, and desperately in love with me. Thus began a 3 year off and on relationship, where we would break up, and get back together, repeatedly. It finally got to the point where he was stalking me, and I filed a restraining order. In looking back, I realize that I was sending him mixed messages, because I would tell him not to talk to me, but when he did reach out, I let him back in, over and over again. In my current line of work, we call this a "healing agreement". I was finally able to distance myself from him for a time, but the energy was still there. I worried about him, wondered if he was ok, and generally just felt bad about cutting him off. This went on for a month or so, and then I met another man. At the time, I felt I was done with my ex, but in reality, I had not truly dealt with it, so my healing agreement with him, was simply transferred to the next relationship. 

This man was everything I wanted, and he seemed to feel the same about me. We talked for HOURS, had many things in common, and best of all, I had known him for a long time, and I knew he was a good person. He wanted to protect me, and love me, and I was all too willing to accept those things which had been missing in my life for so long. I moved across the country, so we could be together, and he changed his life around to be with me, too. We were deliriously happy, for a time, and then.....disaster stuck, once again. I became aware that he was unhappy, and the more desperately I tried to heal that, the more distant he became. We finally agreed to take some time apart, and I cried every day of that two weeks. We got back together, with contingencies, and these things were really not ok with me, but I said yes, because the alternative was to lose him. I became anxious, and clingy, and hated myself for it. He tried to make me happy, but lost his sense of self, and we began to spiral down again. We broke up a few more times, and the same pattern repeated over and over again, until two weeks ago, I could not shake my sense of impending doom. We finally had a conversation about it, and he admitted that he didn't really love me any more. I was devastated, and struggled to understand what I had done wrong, but he said I had done nothing wrong. As he lost who he was, to try and heal me, he lost his love for himself, and therefore; his love for me. I realized that I had done the same thing, and we agreed to make this the final break up. The first few days, we texted and talked a little bit, but then he stopped responding, and I became fearful again. I tried to coax him out, but he shut down further.

I began to realize that this was a situation that I had created, because I have a desperate need for the approval of men. I have never been without a male interest in my life, and so this is what I feel I must do now. It is the most painful thing I have dealt with, in recent memory, but after 2 weeks of crying, and emoting, and gathering my friends in to support me, I am understanding it HAS to happen for me to find myself, truly. It is shocking to me that I have not realized this sooner, and it saddens me to no end, that I may very well lose this wonderful man because of it, but I ultimately do trust that whatever happens is for my higher good, and I must move into it.  

So, If you would like to follow my journey, I will be posting about the process, and I promise to be totally transparent and honest with you, the reader. My finish line is June 2016, and I am scared, unsure, and sad, but I am determined above all else. Wish me luck!