How to Attract the Love you Want

As I surrender to the flow, I am finding a new peace, and I trust it. Trust has historically been such a difficult place for me. I was raised that to trust, is to be hurt, and so, I learned not to. Ironically, it probably created MORE pain for me, because if I had kept looking for a trustworthy adult to help me, I might have found it. But, I digress. The pain of this era was such a wonderful teacher, 45 years later, as I have finally found the place within myself that allows me to accept and enjoy love, without anxiety or expectations. The interesting part is, the love I see now is NOT the love I thought I saw previously. I have learned that the love we seek in others is the love we see in ourselves, meaning, if you have a sense of self loathing, or lack of respect for yourself, you will attract that over and over. One way to test how you feel about yourself is to watch how you treat yourself when you make a mistake. Do you talk trash to yourself, or do you accept your mistake as part of your humanness? If you are engaging in any kind of negative self talk, calling yourself names, etc, then you are attracting people who will mirror that for you.  

 

Not too long ago, I came across an email account that I had forgotten about. I mean, seriously, how many gmail accounts does one person need? Anyway, when I opened up this account, there were 12 unread messages, and a few of them were from clients, asking about services. One of them was 3 months old. I felt myself starting in with, "Wow, Andrea, what an IDIOT you are......" But then, I realized what I was doing, and I stopped. This happened exactly as it was supposed to, and it is all in perfect divine flow. I relaxed, and then, I called the man who had emailed me all those months ago. We had a wonderful conversation, and I explained to him what happened, revealing my humanness, and he told me he felt encouraged that he isn't the only one who does things like that. My lack of judgment for myself, resulted in growth for him, as well as me. We met up the next day, and had a very thought provoking and healing session. We both left with smiles and good energies flowing. The ripples of good vibes continued throughout the day, and I spread the love all over the place. I had so much, it was overflowing!  

Look for the magic in your life every day! 

Look for the magic in your life every day! 

We have so many opportunities in each day to lift ourselves up, or keep ourselves down. In the same way, we do this for others. Our choices and thought patterns are key indicators to what we will attract on any given day. Try this: for ONE day, resolve to take EVERYTHING that happens, and make it positive. Find the silver lining, no matter what. Depending on how deeply you are entrenched in it, it may be very challenging, and you will make mistakes......which is a perfect time to celebrate yourself instead of beating yourself up! My close friend likes to make fun of himself for being "human" and it is hilarious! "Silly humans, look at us!" When you shine the light of awareness on your darkness, the cockroaches scatter, ie, your thoughts will break up in the light.  

Love yourself, however cliche that sounds, because you are wonderful! Enjoy being human, and embrace all of you, the shadows are only there because of the light that forms around them. It is all part of your beauty and the magnificent tapestry that is YOU <3 

A Relationship That Lasts Forever

Relationships are changing, and the divorce rate is at an all time high, as is depression, and suicide. I see this alarming trend as an indication of a paradigm shift. This is not your parent's relationship anymore. We have to find our own truth and happiness, and start living from the love we have for ourselves, instead of looking for it in others. The time is NOW! 

"Once upon a time" has been replaced with "living in the now" and "going with the flow". Our parents raised us to create the same kind of relationships they have, and their parents had, and so on. However, the energy of the planet has shifted and changed so much, that these co-dependent connections no longer work, in the long term. That is why there is such a high rate of divorce, and why so many people are finding themselves single, or unable to find connections. What I have found is that, we are all being asked to step into who we are, ALONE, and finding happiness within, BEFORE we are to step into a love connection. Instead of the old, "You complete me" paradigm, we are moving into, "I am so happy and fulfilled, as are you, let's share our happiness with the world together!". No longer is it serving us to spend all our time with our "better half", rather, we are each taking space to do the things that we love, with other friends, and then coming together with our love partner for more intimate pursuits. Sometimes, you will do things together, but many times, you will both be off pursuing your passions, and are happy for each other to be doing what makes the heart soar! We do not require another person to validate us or fulfill us; we can find that ourselves. It has taken me many years to navigate this new energy, but, for the first time in my adult life, I do not feel sad that I am not in a relationship. I feel excited that I am finding happiness in myself, and this means that no one can take it away! I used to give away all my power in love, and match my energy to the man. Whatever he wanted to do, I was there, whether I liked it or not. I was unconsciously following the old pattern of "Be who and what HE wants" and I never really truly learned who I was, or what I wanted. It was a constant issue, as I watched one relationship after another fail miserably. 

YOU are your own source of happiness 

YOU are your own source of happiness 

 

I am building a new paradigm for myself, and as I talk to others, I find that they are also struggling to make the old patterns work. It is exciting for me to be on the forefront of this movement, where I do not NEED a man, or a relationship, to be happy and fulfilled. I have carved out my own utopia, and I am open to sharing that with a partner, but I do not HAVE to, in order to be happy. I will CHOOSE to, when, and IF, the right person comes along. 

Some of you are probably wondering about sex, and I will freely admit that I do miss intimacy, BUT I have learned that, when I am happy and fulfilled with my personal passions and empowerment, it is not nearly as important as it used to be. Many of us use sexual energy to heal our sadness, I would even venture to say that MOST of us have, at some point, had a sex addiction, as it releases "happy hormones", and can definitely create a temporary sense of contentment. But, when that feeling wears off, you seek it again, and the cycle continues. When you are with a partner who has their own happiness, and you have yours, you will enjoy being with them in whatever capacity presents itself. Taking a walk, watching a movie, cooking a meal together, takes on a whole new meaning, when neither of you is stuck in your ego. Conversations are so stimulating that you may prefer to talk all night, instead of sex. I know, it sounds crazy, but I promise, it is true, and it is amazing! 

In summary, relationships are changing, and the only way to find the perfect mate, is to find the perfect YOU. You will attract the person you want, by embodying those traits you seek. If you find yourself in an endless parade of love connections, and you swear you are "doing it right", but nothing is working out, consider a dating hiatus. Take yourself on dates, walks, focus on who you are, what you want to create for yourself, and watch your happiness grow. Before you know it, someone will start walking alongside you, and you may not even realize it, at first, but your love connection will grow from the seeds of individual contentment, rather than a paradigm of codependency. 

Wishing you all much love on this glorious day! 

How to Create Wonderful Things for Yourself

A wise teacher once told me, "We create everything that happens in our lives, and we are never victims. So, if you find yourself excelling at creating terrible things for yourself, you are a very powerful creator, so what if you used that power to create amazing things for yourself?" I have experienced different levels of this phenomenon, and one of the most recent was one of the most profound yet:

My birthday month! 

My birthday month! 

I was at the Post Office (PO) the other day, and, when I walked in, all the open windows were busy, and 2 men were in line. I took my place behind them, and began to wait. It soon became apparent that it was going to take a much longer time than any of us had anticipated, and people grew impatient. The man at the front of the line started tapping his parcel impatiently against the counter. I felt myself responding to the energy, and became agitated, as well. Angry thoughts were racing through my head, as I started tapping my foot and sighing. I turned around, and saw the bushes outside, and suddenly, I realized, “I can change this experience! I have tools!” I felt my body automatically ground, and I began to ground and own the building, then, one by one, I grounded all the people in the place, and hooked them up with a golden cord to creator, for healings, if they wanted one. The man in the front was the angriest, his energy was black, so I bubbled him up, to shield the rest of us from being affected. Seconds, later, he turned to the man behind him and commented that he could deliver this package himself, in the time it was taking. I asked him where it was being shipped to, and he explained that it had been delivered to his mailbox by mistake, and he was just trying to get it back to the PO, for an in town delivery. I told him he could put it in any mailbox and they would take it for him, if he just wrote, “delivered to wrong address” on the parcel. No need to wait in line! He thanked me, and left. ONE DOWN. Next, the man in front of me turned around and showed me his letter, which was stamped and addressed, “Can I just put this in the mailbox, too?” I told him yes, and as he left, I shouted out, “TWO DOWN!” And everyone laughed. He grinned and waved.  Just then, a window opened up and it was my turn! The postal worker, looking harried, barely looked at me as I approached the window, “May I help you?” I smiled and waited for her to look up. When she did, I looked her in the eye, and told her, “You are doing a fantastic job, with all these impatient people in line!” Her entire face changed, and opened up with her beautiful smile. She thanked me and shared a little of her frustration, and as I finished up my business and made my way out, I had a HUGE smile on my face, too.

In the days since, I have been able to turn around a couple of other situations by simply using these tools, and it has been astounding. I have begun to realize that I can apply these tools to anything I am struggling with, which is absolutely empowering, and can be for you, as well! Your thoughts eventually shape your reality, so by simply realizing that one fact, you can begin to shift. When you feel yourself starting negative self talk, or attempting to shift the blame to someone else (victim space), you can shift the energy into empowerment and start to really be conscious of how much you are allowing others to "drive your car" and move into a different role for yourself. Many people are struggling with powerlessness in light of the current political climate, and that has created a shift in levels of depression, and anger. Hopefully, you can come to a place where you realize that your fear, anger, etc. is actually gasoline on an already blazing fire, since the things you pour your energy into, are the things that grow, and expand. Once you realize that, it is a short leap to begin to shift it, and focus on positive change, and begin creating change with compassion, and love. 

Before you ask, NO, every day is not amazing for me. MOST days are amazing, but I am also on my journey, and trust me, we are ALL feeling the intense energies happening on the planet right now. I had a day last week where I sobbed like a baby for a day, which is great, because I got to clear some really painful energies, which were obstacles on the path that I have chosen. I don't really subscribe to the "no pain, no gain" belief, but sometimes it IS like that. 

If you would like to learn more, email me, using the contact form, and let's talk. I have some classes coming up, and I also offer individual sessions, via Skype or phone. My goal is to help others discover their inner gifts and power, so that we can create the tomorrows that will serve the highest good of all, and the planet. We all deserve happiness and love, and it begins AND ENDS with YOU <3 

Living Consciously

Time is.... too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
.....But for those who love, Time is not. ~Henry Van Dyke~

I love the above poem, it has been one of my favorites since I was a very young girl. Before I ever heard of Eckhart Tolle, before I ever read The Four Agreements, my higher self knew the truth: enjoy each moment, for it is all you have. Appreciate what is right in front of you, and enjoy it as much as possible. I once heard Pema Chodron talk about being in the moment with brushing her teeth. How many things do we do in a day on autopilot? How many times have you driven home and not really remembered the trip? 

Recently, I realized that my self imposed dating hiatus has stretched from six months, to eight, and soon will be coming up on a year! I am a little impressed with myself, if I am honest. I mean, I used to be desperately afraid of being alone, and now, I feel pretty comfortable with it. I will always enjoy being with people, I AM an extrovert, but these days, I have found a happy balance. I recently met someone who I briefly considered for a possible partner, but it soon became obvious that we were just to be friends, and I am happy with that. I no longer need to sexualize all my experiences, because I understand my value is much more than that, and I value myself, as well as my friends, in ways that FAR transcend mere physical intimacy. I enjoy hugs, and conversations, in ways that I had never really allowed in the past, since I was so busy focusing on the sexual energy. 

The other amazing thing that has happened since I took my focus off dating, is that my creativity has exploded, resulting in new creative outlets, and a couple of new business ventures. I have been asked to teach meditation at a local school, and my Unicorn Alchemy business is booming! I was able to leave my job at the flower shop, and focus on what I love FULL TIME! Dating never helped me with any of that stuff, but I sure spent a TON of time and energy on it. Retrospection is an interesting tool. You can use it to punish yourself, or to validate yourself. Honestly, I struggle with it from time to time, but I like to think that most of the time, I use it for validation. 

I still have days where I feel sad, and allow myself to fantasize about having a partner who totally gets me and appreciates my value, but I don't get lost in those things any longer. I have amazing friends, a career that I am passionate about, and a healthy body which takes me places every day! 

Welcoming 2017

As some of you know, 2017 ushered in some very intense energies, and I was immediately thrown into a purge of great magnitude. To put it in simple terms: I got SICK. I have never personally experienced an exorcism, but I would imagine it was very similar to my sickness. I have been studying energy work for the better part of the last decade, and one of my biggest paradigm shifts is the one of physical illness. When your body is moving a lot of energy, you may feel run down, and tired. If you "push through" this sensation, and drink a bunch of coffee, ignoring your body's need to rest, you will likely become sidelined by illness. I am usually fairly adept at listening to my body, but apparently, I needed a LONG rest, and I was sick for about 3 weeks. I have just now started to feel somewhat normal, but I do notice that I am still needing quite a bit of sleep. 

I was forced to stay in bed for days, and even though I felt some better each day, it was in very tiny increments. One day, I went to the store and that exhausted me. The only thing I could do was sit on the couch, or at my computer, as I was coughing too much to talk on the phone, and I certainly didn't want to have people over, as both my sons became ill, as well. We were a house of quarantine, and then......it snowed. I had to laugh, as one of the hardest things for me to do is to stay home, and just sit around. I HATE feeling non productive, and I HATE isolation even more. Each day bled into the next, my own version of Groundhog Day. What was I supposed to be looking at? I sat in meditation hour upon hour, clearing energies, looking at situations, and generally just surrendering to what was happening, or, more accurately, what wasn't happening. 

Finally, one day, I woke up, and I started to think about all the things that I could do alone. I love to cook, and be in nature, and I love to write. I also really love Alchemy, and that is clearly on this next part of my life path. So, I decided, as I felt well enough, I would start to do as many of those things every day, as I could. A shift began to occur, as I focused more on what I could do alone, and less on others and what I wanted to do with them. Balance is key here, as I definitely enjoy the company of others, but I realized that I have become almost too dependent on that, and when someone could not make time for me, it would trigger my abandonment issues. I realized that I have been abandoning MYSELF.

My situation is a bit different than some, as I do not have a family that is there for me. I have zero safety net. My friends are my family, and so, when I feel them pulling away, for whatever reason, I begin to panic and become clingy. I have not trusted that I could be there for myself. I have not understood, until now, that I am a wise and very strong being, and I can do this, all alone. Having said that, I LOVE my friends, and I also know that I will never HAVE to do it alone, but it is a quiet certainty, that I am going to be fine, even if I only have myself to rely upon. That is the balance that I am finding, and it is supremely empowering. My world is exploding right now, with abundance, love, and happiness. And you know why? Because I am on my Island, I am exuding all those things, and so they are magnetized to me. 

I want to tell you today, my friends: YOU can do this. You have power inside you, and you don't have to go through what I did in order to access this power. You may have to sit with your pain, and you may have to battle addictions, or distractions, but let me tell you: You have this power, we all do, it is your job to find your own personal key, to your own personal Island, inside yourself. Connecting with your passions, what brings you joy, is a very important first step. Follow your truth, and pay attention to what you are creating. Everything that "happens" to you is a creation of your own energies. Learn to recognize and shift those energies, and you have the world on a string. 

Sending blessings and love to you all! 

The Island of Love

I keep thinking about that saying, "No man is an island," and I have to say, I disagree. I think we are each our own island, and your thoughts, actions, and intentions create the type of island you exist upon. I had a vision about a year ago, and I really didn't know what it meant in the beginning, but now, I have a greater understanding of it. At the time, I was in a very painful relationship, where I sacrificed my happiness and love for myself because I had a belief that relationships were about that. 

I am on an island, surrounded by trees, and the trees are flowering white blooms, which are slowly falling around me. There is a light balmy wind blowing, and I am spinning slowly, arms outstretched, wearing a white dress, with a crown of white flowers. I am beaming, happy, and I am clearly ALONE. Off to the side, I become aware of a bridge, and I go over to look up the bridge, where I see a man (my current love) standing at the top of the bridge, smiling at me. I run to him, and we embrace.”
Island in the Sun

Island in the Sun

I realized that I must find my own happiness and love (my island), and if he, or anyone else, wants to be with me, they are welcome on my island, where I have all my own love and happiness to share. BUT.....no one can take it with them, and no one can effect how I feel. Don Miguel Ruiz, in "The Mastery of Love," calls it, the "magic kitchen." People have to build their own bridges to my island, I am not responsible for doing their work for them. The key is, the bridge must be built with love. No anger, or fear, or pain will build a bridge to my island. Everyone is responsible for their own island, and if you want to live in happiness and love, YOU MUST CREATE IT for yourself. We can all visit each other on our islands, and together, we can create a network of love, and happiness, and a world where we validate and support each other. My vision is for all of us, and a new paradigm which I am choosing for myself, and anyone who wants to join me, is welcome. The trick is, You cannot connect your bridge to my island until you have completed your personal journey. Only those who resonate with my energy completely are able to connect. 

This is not to say that I am the only energy that is "good," or that I am the only one with the "answer," and I can't stress this enough. Everyone creates the world they want, and boundaries create the edges of your own island. There are so many different paths, and we are all on our own journey. You are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be, and you will connect with those who resonate with that. There is no good, bad, higher, or lower, there is only DIFFERENT. An old saying that comes to mind is "misery loves company." Wherever you are, you will find validation for that, if that is where you need to stay. For example, a person who is very depressed, tends to find others who are very depressed. They are MATCHING each other's energy. This will result in both people staying in that energy, until one or both decide that they do not want to be depressed any longer. Often, this is the end of the friendship, and the person who wants to stay in that agreement of depression, often feels betrayed and abandoned. Society has taught us that we must stay in these relationships. because otherwise, we are "not a good friend" or "disloyal." This could not be further from the truth. Friendships can evolve, certainly, but if you wish to move into a different space, and the other person does not, why would you abandon YOURSELF in this quest? We are not responsible for other people's choices. We are only responsible for following the path of our own truth, in the kindest and gentlest way possible. 

White blossoms represent freedom!

White blossoms represent freedom!

In the example of my ex-boyfriend, I had to set a very clear boundary, and if he wants to build his bridge, he is welcome on my island. But he has lots of pain to work through, and lots of old patterns to shed and shift before he can be part of my network. I send him love when I can, energetically, but I will not, cannot, go to his island of pain. I grieve the loss, but in the end, he made his choice, over and over again, and I choose LOVE. I choose ME, and my path of truth. 

Holidaze....and other phenomena

I work in retail, and this year has been amazingly quiet. People just aren't spending money, and I think that is a good and bad thing. It is good, because I have always abhorred consumerism, and it is also bad, because it seems to come from people being super depressed and not having money TO spend. I wonder if money is the root of it all, and then I realize it is much deeper than that. We have been conditioned to value money over happiness, that money IS happiness, and STUFF brings us joy. All of that last sentence is FALSE, and even dangerous, as it threatens the very threads of our existence. It has become common to hear, "all you need is love" and "money can't buy happiness," but I really always thought those were things said by those who never had to go without a meal, or heat, or any other necessity. When your basic needs aren't being met, you are in a different category, and I fervently hope that we can bridge that gap soon, as it greatly distresses me that there are some who have WAY more than they need, and then we have some with not enough to survive. That seems like the biggest farce of this broken economy. But I won't digress into a political tirade, as this is not really what this blog is about.  

Spending time in nature is healing for me

Spending time in nature is healing for me

I have been on every level of wealth, and I can relate, wherever you are. I have been homeless, and I have been in the top 3%. I can tell you that neither place brought me happiness, but that is putting it very simply. When I was without a place to sleep, I relied on others' kindness, and it was deeply humbling. I felt totally lost and sad. Once I got back on my feet, I swore to always help others in need, and I have. But I also know that there is a fine line between enabling someone, and supporting their growth. Some people get stuck in that space of apathy, and they remain homeless, on welfare, because they are angry at society, and they have given up on trying to make something of themselves, because they have been hurt and cut down too many times. In those cases, they will depend on everyone else indefinitely, and I have learned the hard way that I cannot help them, and if I try, it will only drain me. 

When I was rolling in money, it was equally depressing, but only because I felt as though I had reached the top, and I was confused as to why I wasn't happy. It was ultimately deflating to realize that no amount of money could resolve the deep ache within my heart, or take away the pain that I had run from and tried to distract myself from, for so many years. So, I moved on, and decided to address the pain head on. Thus began my journey of delving into the inner darkness from which I had shied away for so long. That was 12 years ago, and my journey has finally reached a point where I am content, most of the time, I am learning about my inner light, and I have surrounded myself with wonderful friends who support my upwards growth and offer loving guidance if i should need it. They are reflecting the inner light which I have cultivated, and it is amazing to behold. I don't have a lot of money, but my needs are met, and I do not wish for more. I am satisfied, because I do not have deep dark holes of pain to fill, and I have released the need for others to fill those spaces for me. So I enjoy my alone time, as well as friend time, and I love to connect with nature, and I have several passions and hobbies that I enjoy. My life is full and balanced, for the most part. 

A stairway on the path...an alternate route which is more difficult, but saves a lot of time

A stairway on the path...an alternate route which is more difficult, but saves a lot of time

 

I am not saying it is without challenge, from time to time, and I certainly have days where I cry and feel sad, and once in a while I feel deep anger, but I enjoy these experiences because they give me contrast, and it is the experience of being human, and being alive. Not too long ago, I found myself in a tough emotional spot, and I was able to step back from it and laugh at myself, thinking, "Well, this pain shows me that I am LIVING, and connected to my emotions, and that is something I have never experienced before." The contrast is that, all those years ago, I LIVED in pain, and life was punctuated with spots of happiness, but my baseline was pain. To have that paradigm flipped, is such a gift, and I am eternally grateful for this. 

This Christmas was very quiet, and I spent time with a dear friend, but most everyone stayed home or very close to home. At first, I felt sad, but then I realized that sometimes, a quiet cave is just what you need. Just because everyone else seems to be with family, and I have chosen to step away from that toxic situation for the time being, doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. I am just on my own path, and it is one that works for me. I won't venture off that path, but you can join me anytime. I welcome any and all who want to come along on my adventure. The difference is, I know where I am going, and I know what I want, so there is no reason for me to detour. The old me needed to walk a lot of different paths with different people, and learn some lessons. The pain taught me a lot, and that is why I am able to write these words and feel confident of my direction now. Every path and experience has value. 

Wishing you all JOY and LOVE during this holiday season! 

The Magical Ways of the Universe

In case any of you were wondering what happened to me, my blog, and just in general, well.....firstly, my phone broke. The next day, my computer died. I was left with a tablet, upon which is virtually impossible for me to type a blog. I was able to secure a new phone pretty quickly, but obviously I could not type a blog on that, either. 

My whole plan to share with you my meanderings and revelations about the new relationship paradigm was halted, and now, I know why. I have since realized that my lesson was not complete. The new relationship that I thought I was moving into, abruptly shifted, and while I hope that he and I can eventually pick back up our friendship, all hope of romantic involvement has dissolved. AND that is fine, REALLY. He helped me with some super important lessons and realizations about myself, and I think I also helped him, in the same fashion. 

Just preening around the Universe <3 

Just preening around the Universe <3 

 

So, I have lots and lots to share with you, but for today, I wanted to say Hey, I am back, and I am reconnecting with my writing, and it feels like HOME. I appreciate your support, and all the love that has been sent my way, and WOW, the holidays are here, and the Universe has shown it's magic once again. 

Much love and wishing you all peace and joy today! 

P.S. Check out my new venture, Unicorn Alchemy, I am super thrilled about it! 

The New Relationship Paradigm: Part One

****I have decided to write a series on this subject, as so many people have asked me about it and the lessons keep coming in. I am thrilled to be in a position to share what I have learned, in the hopes that I can help some of you who may be struggling with your own questions, wondering where your happiness has gone, and why. 

I find myself on the cusp of a new paradigm, and so profound is this paradigm that I feel compelled to share. For most of our lives, we have been taught that, in order to be a "good person," we must put others first, and always be kind and loving; "smile, even though your heart is breaking." We're told that no one wants to be around you if you are in pain. Yet somehow, I continue to see an alarming increase in unhappy people, and relationships based on insecurity, unhappiness, obligation, and fear. What are we doing wrong? What happened?

The world as we know it is constantly changing, for the energies coming in are shifting over time to create new spaces, eroding old ones. As we shift our energies, the old ways simply do not apply any longer. Some have asked, "But isn't it still good to be kind and loving?" The answer is still certainly yes...but it is not serving any of us to to force behaviors at the expense of our own happiness and fulfillment.

I have been on this journey for a few years, and I can tell you, in the beginning, I felt like I was the worst person on the planet; others told me that I was being "selfish" and "bitchy." I was so unhappy, and depressed, that I knew I had to change something or I might not make it at all. I isolated myself from most of the world, surrounded myself with those who I knew loved me unconditionally, and focused my energies into that reality. After some time, I had begun to notice that my contact with the outside world and mass public had become markedly easier. I was starting to meet my OWN needs, and so I looked less to others, and more within myself, for the joy and love that creates unending happiness.

As I was less afraid to interact with people I didn't know, I found myself attracting others who resonated with my mentality. I attended my local meditation school and learned how to reach within to generate love boundlessly. I ended up setting a goal for myself to do something nice for someone every day, and I began to WANT to seek out these opportunities. I found that the love inside me has the power to make me even MORE loving to others. This effect has strengthened exponentially as I have moved further into it. Setting boundaries and loving myself has actually created a space for me to share MORE love with others. Imagine that! 

 

My interpersonal relationships are now based on love, rather than fear. I love myself enough to avoid delving into insecurity, a generator of reality and action where I was so afraid to respond in any other way but how the other person wanted me to, for fear that they wouldn't like me otherwise. I now feel confident that the love I bring to my own life will cause the right people to connect with me, and those who are on a different path will continue on in their own ways. There is no judgement or animosity in that statement. I am focused on being in my truth, therefore I am attracting those who are focused similarly; together, we are individually loving to ourselves, and none of us feel "obligated" to heal the others, simply because we know they can do it themselves. 

In the new relationship paradigm, there is no obligation. Obligation is born of insecurity and the need for constant validation from the world outside of you. When I ask someone if they want to go on a hike with me, and they have other plans, I am just as happy to go on a hike alone, or do something else. I trust that my perceived disappointments are simply The Universe's way of redirecting me. Perhaps I need more time to harness a skill, or time to stay home and write.  I allow the energies that resonate with my being to come in unfettered, without a stifling need to control the flow; in other words, energy untouched by fear. This is true Freedom. 

Stay tuned readers, and I send you love and happiness on this beautiful day! 

Being Human and Loving It!

I wrote a blog about a week ago, and it magically disappeared. I did not have time to write another one, so I suppose the Universe decided that I was not to publish a blog last week. Creative expression is always quite the fickle customer; many times I'll sit in front of this screen and tap away, only to go back and realize I have no idea what I just wrote. This has been happening to me more and more often lately, and while I suppose this type of unconscious channeling is good for the soul, it's not always so enriching for the reader. I have reached a point in my life where I understand, and trust, that when things do not go according to plan, it is for a very good reason. I am still sometimes disappointed, but rarely for long, as I know that something else is coming, something beautiful. I must only keep an open mind and be willing to accept it. 

This past month has been chaotic, yet rich with new ideas and energies flowing into my space with ease. I am reaching into my heart with a new awareness, and a quiet knowing that everything is going exactly as it is supposed to. I observe others fighting this flow and send them love when I can. When I hear others in a negative space, I can send them love, and hold space for their healing. If they look to deny their presence by asking for my opinion, I rarely give it, but I will remind them of their inner light and love. I have my moments (trust me), but I have surrounded myself with friends who do for me what I do for others; they help remind me of the universe's power, when I may waver. 

There are new energies coming into the planet right now, and to flow with them, one must vibrate with the love frequency. If you are not already attuned to that frequency, not already in that space, these new energies may be painful, and it may seem that things have begun to fall apart. Remember, however, that no new project can begin until old projects are complete and cleared from your space. Old energies must move out before new energies can come in. It is a Universal Law. 

As I navigate this part of my journey, I am often asked, "When will you be DONE?" My answer to this is actually quite straightforward. Your journey begins when you are born, and ends when you die; everything in-between is your path, and your path IS your destination.

So if the goal is to simply walk the path, rather than to achieve an arbitrary milestone, what purpose does removing yourself from the immediate joy of the present accomplish? Your journey is now! Enjoy it! You will get to rest along the way, for every journey has stops and starts. You will notice contrasts - good days and bad days - learn to notice and appreciate the difference. When I am having a tough day, I focus on how grateful I am to have such good friends, a nice place to live, etc. When I am having a day in the flow, I reach out to my friends and send love if they need it. I have noticed that, in almost every case, the days I need help, others are doing well, and the days they need help, I am in a good place to help them. Being in the flow has infinite potential to create positive energy. 

I have often pondered the etymology of "being in love," "being in the flow," and all the rest of these assorted new-age phrases, which are largely overused and often misappropriated, so that the user may escape their feelings, or avoid responsibility for their choices and actions. I have had many heated discussions with others in my community about this phenomenon. Regardless of terminology, there are some things that we know to be universal:

Everyone is where they need to be.

I am not responsible for anyone else's choices or feelings.

I AM responsible, however, for the things I say, and the things I do. If I say something unkind (yeah....I do sometimes lose my space!), I will apologize. If I - unintentionally or not - do something to hurt another, I will apologize.

My mission is to spread love and kindness, and leave my Ego out of the equation. If I want others to be open to my message, I must first believe it, then I must live it. When I lose my space (if I get mad, say something mean, etc.), I recognize it, accept that it happened...then move forward. I share my experiences with others, so that they can see how I also struggle with energies.

For others to walk alongside you, they must first see that you walk with a purpose, and a belief that the work you do is in harmony with the universe. Only leading by example creates truth.

Be well my friends. I am sending a massive dose of love your way today! 

What is this "being in the flow" business?

As weeks go by, and I continue to find myself in interesting situations, I am struck by the fact that everything can change in the blink of an eye. Someone asked me the other day, "Why are you ok with something one day, then not ok with it the next?" Well, that is what I have begun to realize as being in the flow. Change is the only constant in this universe, and to accept change, and adapt to it, is to be fully immersed in the present moment. Energy shifts, and what you find acceptable can and will change from moment to moment. 

I have accepted that people will be angry with me, and that they will place blame on me, because it is not my truth, and it is not my responsibility. An old friend recently accused me of being overly dramatic, "blowing up his words" in order to create drama. His truth in the situation is that he is refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, and instead of being accountable and conscious of his self-error, he is choosing to make me the problem. I am sorry for him, because he will continue to create these kinds of relationships until he innately accepts that he is creating this reality for himself. I am happy for my own acceptance of his actions, because I am no longer being sucked into his vortex of misery, and I can still send him love without accepting his energetic baton of pain. 

 

Being present for your life is already difficult enough; to be truly grounded in the present, you must be constantly ready for change. You must be willing to relinquish control and sever your egoistic attachment to the outcome. I see frustration in the wayward souls I work with, who deceive themselves into believing, or perhaps hoping, that the present will bring them unending comfort and happiness. Sometimes you'll lose fifty dollars, or you boyfriend will leave you...it is impossible to avoid situations that will bring sadness to your reality. The difficulty lies in accepting all your emotions as true, without allowing them to rule your mind. Joy, and love, are the only constants; to hold on to emotion is to hold on to the past, and to figments of your minds. You have to allow those feelings, of grief, sadness, frustration, even anger, to manifest, and acknowledge it as your own before you can return to the present. Burying feelings, blaming others...the things we do to avoid pain only prolongs those habitual patterns and perpetuates the emotional process, forcing you to stay in those patterns and repeat them in your mind, over and over again. You must love your pain, as much as your pleasure, because you are not defined by emotions that come and go. The Universe will keep giving you the same lesson, until you learn it; it is up to you whether or not you will listen.

If you find yourself constantly surrounded by drama, your lesson is clear. Keeping drama fresh in your mind, focusing on it, wallowing in it; these are all ways to avoid the present by using the mind as a self-damaging weapon. The more you try to analyze your emotions, searching for someone to blame them on, the longer you will continue to attract those emotions, likely from those same people. We all know you cannot directly change others, but you can absolutely create change within yourself.  

When you "shift" your energy, a.k.a. taking your ego out of the equation, there is nothing left for drama to attach itself to. In that moment, you will see your flow start to change, and you will find your presence. That, my friends, is what I am working on right now. I must choose different behavior if I want to see a different result. 

Creative Blocks and How to Cope with Them

It's been a while, readers.....and I apologize, I DO. As all creatives know, your flow can't be forced, and no matter how many times I sat down to write this blog over the past weeks, there was no flow,and no inspiration. I have always believed that my writing is a direct result of my mental state, and this is certainly no exception. Today, I sat down and felt it for the first time in a while, so here I am, finally. Over the years, I have experienced many blocks and stagnant periods in my creative output. I have tried everything to "get over the hump." but I finally realized that sometimes, you just have to sit with it, and let it wash over you. Effortless effort is where it is. 

Time to get out of your head! 

Time to get out of your head! 

 

I won't try to tell you that there is one answer for any problem, as every person, every energy, is different. I can only tell you what has worked, and what has most definitely NOT worked, for me. Growing up, I was forced into participation for many things which did not resonate with me, and I was told "suck it up," because that is the way the world works. I am here to tell you, that paradigm is shifting, and although it is scary to let go and trust, that is what you have to do. My last relationship was very pivotal in my growth, because even though both of us "did everything right," we still could not resolve the issues that came up, as a result. It opened up a lot of pain pictures for both of us, and our anxieties and old fears all resurfaced. Soon, we were both unhappy, and neither of us knew why. As the months have passed, and I have begun to dig into that pain a little more, I have realized that my fears created the need to expend effort, which, in turn, blocked the flow, and made the situation ten times worse, than if I had respected my inner feelings and had the courage to walk away in the first place. 

Enjoying the beauty of nature really grounds me!

Enjoying the beauty of nature really grounds me!

 

You may be asking yourself, "How do I know if I am being lazy, or simply relaxing into the flow?" Stop and really look at the energy on that statement, and understand that you are judging yourself, which creates a block, and simply reinforces that self loathing energy, which makes you not want to try anything new. It is truly a paradox, and a place where many people live, indefinitely. You do what you think you "have" to do, and judge yourself for it, which keeps you totally stuck and unhappy. Your fears stop you from really letting go, and then you have no flow. Is it scary? YES! But in the end, I am more afraid of staying stuck and stagnant, than I am of the unknown. I am ready for something new, something fresh, and in order to get something new, you must try something you have never tried before. 

Do you know your fears? Or, are you so locked into your process of avoiding your pain that you don't even know who you are, what you want, or even what truly scares you? The only way to know is to change things up and really explore out of your comfort zone. Find a trusted friend, or professional, and ask them to help you. We are all here for each other. 

Enjoy this beautiful day and I am wishing each and every one of you the joy and happiness you so richly deserve! 

Week 11: I skipped a week

Some of you may have noticed, but yes, I did skip last week. Creativity was not flowing, and I thought I could probably get away with it, seeing as how I am NOT famous and all that.....yet;) 

What inspires me this week is the stark realization that growth and progress are definitely not linear. Rather, they seem to follow a path that has, arguably, NO direction at all. The past year has been a veritable roller coaster of highs, lows, and even lower lows. I have met some of the most influential people of my life, and some of them will be continuing on the journey with me, and others will not. Those who have chosen to veer off in another direction are sent away with love and the hope that they will find their own personal bliss, some day. I realize that sometimes, in order for me to completely move on, I have to experience pain like never before. 

My last dating situation was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am a hopeless romantic, and I throw myself into relationships, giving 100%. What I have begun to realize, in this dating hiatus, is that I have never truly felt FREE in that space. I always felt like I had to please the man, and if the relationship wasn't working, that I must be doing something wrong, or not trying hard enough. A friend recently described it as "mopping up their emotional messes." Being in the constant company of a man somehow validated my pain, and even though it felt "good" at the time, it inevitably led to heartbreak and disappointment.  You see, I didn't know what I wanted, or who I was, and so it was never really authentic. And to make matters even more complicated, I always matched up my pain with the other person, so they didn't know who THEY were either. It was a dance of lunatic proportions, and destined to fail, time after time. Before too long, I was joining the chorus of "men are impossible" and other beliefs and paradigms which were all supported by my choices. Rinse, cycle, repeat. 

I love everything about this picture! 

I love everything about this picture! 

 

I now find myself in a space where I feel completely unencumbered by expectations, fear, or even pain. I make choices every day that serve me, and, in turn, serve others. I trust in the process of the universal flow, because it has really gotten me the results that I have been searching for all this time. I have found LOVE, and it is inside me. I am not talking about the love that you see in the mirror, for it transcends the shallow physical attraction, narcissism, if you will. It is the love that I feel when I am alone, and I wake up, and for the briefest moment before I am fully conscious, I FEEL it. I feel it like a soft blanket, and it soothes my soul. I feel it when my son is upset about something, and he yells at me, and I send him love back. I don't feel any need to react to the anger that is his pain. I feel only love for this beautiful being of light that I am honored to share space with today, and on this planet. 

The miracle of all of this is that I have connected with some souls who are focused on the same path, and we have all connected in a space of purity that is simple and profound at the same time. I look back at my experiences of the past year, and all the pain, all the tears, and I see that as growth, and I love it. I realize that every single person who has crossed my path has been for my highest and greatest good, and I love that, too! In the weeks to come, I will turn 48, and I see this year coming in with such a beautiful light, that it almost brings me to tears. My wish is that we can all attain this space of peace and love, and share it with each other. For is that not the greatest gift of all? 

Sending you all LOVE and LIGHT on this amazing spring day!  

Week Nine: A Blog about Nothing

Week Nine: A Blog about Nothing

This past week has been one of quiet introspection, spent enjoying the outdoors, connecting with friends, and taking care of myself. I am learning to respect myself, and not cling to others for validation; instead, learning to validate myself for the amazing leaps and bounds of growth I am experiencing. All my life, I have searched for the ever elusive "inner peace," and I am realizing that it is not a destination, but a journey. And it is a journey I must traverse alone, at least for a time.

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Week Eight: Sheer Determination is Mine

As weeks go, this one was a strange brew. With all the eclipse energies, as well as this journey I have embarked upon, which has thrown me some curve balls, I am feeling quite unsettled. I am finding that JUST when I think I have hit my stride, and am gathering some speed downhill, someone changes the track and I am suddenly in the middle of unfamiliarity and WAY out of my comfort zone. I am continually asking myself, "What would I normally do here?" and then do the opposite. It has been one of the hardest shifts I have had to make, in recent memory, but the results are starting to show my progress. 

For so many years, I have been the "fun" person. I have been told that I am the person who you ALWAYS want to have at your party, because I can bring the fun. I am a storyteller, and always have loads of dramatic, hilarious stories to tell. Recently, my friend Bonnie told me, "You are interesting just being YOU! There is no need to create drama so that you can be interesting." Wow....that really rattled my cage. Is that what I have been doing? I began to watch my actions and question my decisions, and I realized that is at least partially true. For the last few days, I have been focusing on making choices which create the LEAST drama, and it has been boring, but I think I can find a balance in here somewhere. 

Amazing sunset in NW Arkansas

Amazing sunset in NW Arkansas

 

In the past, when I felt drawn to someone, I would throw myself into the interaction with all my energy. I would be so desperate to be with the people that I wanted to be with, that I lost sight of what really worked, and what really didn't. I missed a lot of red flags and generally ended up in relationships where I was constantly working on myself, and arranging things so that the other person was comfortable and happy. I forgot how to make MYSELF happy, and compromised myself to the point where I didn't recognize myself at all. I am working on bringing in relationships where the other person is already whole, and we can meet in that space.  It is a space where I can be myself, and never be told that I need to change something about myself, or stop being who I am, because it makes the other person uncomfortable. I am never again going to be in a situation where I feel I have to compromise what I REALLY want, to be with someone. I am ENOUGH just being my whole happy self. 

As I continue my journey and learn many new things about myself, I realize, I have been attracting men who validated me in the spaces where I was not able to validate myself. So, what will happen when I am now able to fill in those spaces with my own energy? It is sure to be amazing, EPIC, even. Stay tuned and we shall see, my dear friends. 


Week Seven: Hitting my Stride

A funny thing happens when you push through your fear and do that thing you are most afraid of: FREEDOM. It is the wind that blows when you are hot, and tired, and need a break. It is the coldest drink of water on the hottest summer day. Freedom is, as Janis Joplin sings, "Another word for nothing left to lose", and that could not be more true. I have found my truth, nestled in the old newspapers and that pile of stuff I need to take to Goodwill. Old patterns have no place in my new life, and as I let go of relationships which drain me, and only exist to serve the other person, I feel exhilarated and FREE. 

I always want to see the best in others, and I have a habit of missing who they really are, because I see who they COULD be. The problem with that is obvious, those are the wounded soldiers, and I am the nurse who is constantly tending to them. I am so busy tending to the wounded, that I don't have time to look up and see what else is out there. There are many healthy people walking around, having fun, enjoying life, and I could be among them. Now that I have seen this paradigm, I want OUT. I want to sign up for a new role, and while I can still help those who need it, I want to do it from a place of loving myself enough to have fun, and enjoy life, instead of constantly staying in the pit of despair. That does not resonate with me any longer. 

I am looking around, outside of that old fearful paradigm, and I have already connected with some amazing souls who are doing their work, and on their journey, but are also having fun and enjoying life. What an amazing concept! I feel so grateful that I have connected with like minded souls who support me in MY journey, but also accept my support of theirs. We are all in this together, and everyone falls down, scrapes their knee, and needs a hug. Staying down, not so much. Healing is a conscious choice. You have to FEEL it to HEAL it. 

And I, for one, have decided the dating hiatus is over, but my work is never done. I made the decision in a space of pain, and now that the pain is gone, I feel exhilarated and open to new things. The Universe has sent me someone who is so perfect for where I am now, that I can't ignore it. When the person you have been asking for shows up on your doorstep, how can you walk away? So, I will keep walking my path of truth, and accept the gifts that I am given, and be open to whatever flows into my life, in the love and truth that is MINE, and mine alone. People come and go, and they all have a purpose in my life, but they do not all have longevity. Sometimes, situations happen to push you into something that is out of your comfort zone, and you might not have otherwise been open to it. So, I breathe, and I accept that I am getting all the things I have been asking for, even though it is not with the person I originally thought it would be with. I release my expectations and turn my face upwards to the kiss of the light, and the promise of the love that is mine, to both give, and receive. 

Enjoy this beautiful Friday!!! The beautiful weather we are having echoes the light and love in my soul. Blessings to you all, my friends. 

Week Six: I fall into a small hole

It happens...we all fall down from time to time, and I am no exception. I was feeling especially lit up, and I asked the Universe to bring me some fun. Careful, now........ And here comes a cute boy. My head must have started spinning, and I clicked right back into my old patterns. After one non-date, and a plan for another, the kisses spun my head around and threw me into a backwards spiral. I admit it....I am a sucker for kisses, and promises, but alas, they will never come to fruition. A few days later, I realized what was happening, and I called it off. As my friend Faith reminded me, I fell into a little hole, but it was not the cavern that I normally go into, and it was only for a few days, as opposed to weeks, months, or even years. 

I have to push the reset button, and realize that I am simply giving my value over to others, especially men, WAY too easily. When someone asks me to come over at 9:30 at night, and I am already in my pajamas, I can say no, because that is my truth. I do not have to get up, get dressed, and leave my son at home, while I jump to the commands of a man. If he doesn't like that, well, then, this is not a relationship that I want. I want a man who will offer to come over and bring me dinner, since I have had a long day, and not ask that I make HIM dinner after I have been on my feet all day. I deserve a relationship where I am not afraid to say NO on any level, and I can feel confident that respecting myself and speaking my truth will not EVER be a bad thing. I am not saying that any of the men I have been with are wrong, or bad. I am only saying that I have been giving away my power, and that is ALL about me. When I can consistently stay in my truth, and not have fear around what others will do, THAT is when I will attract the people who are supposed to be in my life. 

As I have said previously, I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful women friends, who have taught me so much, and helped me out of my caverns, and holes. Last night, when I was feeling particularly sad about this latest situation, I was able to connect with two of my amazing soul sisters, and they helped to remind me of the love I have inside myself. It's all about remembering who you are. Remembering the LOVE that you are. Beating yourself up never gets you anywhere, it just keeps you from moving out of your old patterns. You make the choices you do out of pain. We ALL want to be LOVED, and BE LOVE. As my friend Bonnie says, "There is BEING love, and there is DOING love." When you are BEING love, you feel it from the inside out, and nothing can deter you. When you are DOING love, it is contingent on outside validation. Being love is what you are practicing when you do nice things for yourself, and for me, this is going on a hike, talking with a friend, or making a nice meal for myself and my son. I am committed to being love more, and doing love less. When you reach the point where you are in that pure space of love, you are truly free to love others without any agenda, and this is the goal, the journey to happiness. 

A very special place, where butterflies swarm to lovers 

A very special place, where butterflies swarm to lovers 

So, I will climb out of this hole now, and set my boundary with my latest situation, and thank the Universe for the oh-so-helpful reminder of my inner truth and power. I know that there are many more distractions out there, and I am aware that this was simply an opportunity for me to be reminded of the fact that I am not here on earth to heal men, or get them to heal me. I am here to learn to heal myself, and teach others to do the same, so that we can ALL shift our patterns and grow into the space where we are each responsible for our own pain, and choices, and it is (say it with me) NEVER about someone else. 

But I do still like kisses.........:) 

Week Five: Connecting to the Pain

Wow, this past week has been painful on a new level. I cried so hard I thought my head would explode. But I was determined to allow these deep feelings to come up, because I am acutely aware of the fact that these patterns I have been following my entire adult life, are no longer serving me on any level. And to make the changes, I have to bare the depths of my soul. As I meet and overcome the challenges the Universe is throwing my way, I am finding a quiet strength that is far more powerful than the anger I have been holding in my soul. It is a power that is LOVE, and that love is for myself. It is for the little girl who was shushed and shamed into swallowing her pain, and her truth, because others were too afraid of their own darkness. She was forced into healing the ones who continually hurt her, for fear of abandonment, and it was an endless cycle of pain, betrayal, and manipulation. I learned at an early age that my needs were irrelevant, and that I must heal everyone else, because I was not important, and that was my only purpose, to make others happy, especially men. 

I am simply a soul who has been deeply wounded, over lifetimes, and those pain pictures are coming up for me to release. I work very hard to release them in a healthy way, but sometimes I lash out at those who love me, who are close to me. This is called, the human experience. Our wounds, especially the deep ones, are so painful, that sometimes, our old programming takes over, and we leave our body, and we say and do things where we don't recognize ourselves. Our soul family knows not to take this personally, but others, who are still stuck deeply in their own pain, reflect this back to us, and mistakenly believe that WE are causing pain for them, and the pain baton is passed back and forth until one of us withdraws.

 

We are all responsible for our own pain. PERIOD. Others may light it up for us, and yes, some people need to be set behind a healthy boundary, but ultimately, we have to deal with our pain, and removing people from your life, systematically, thinking that if they are gone, your problems will be over, is erroneous, and will lead to isolation and depression. It is NEVER about them. NEVER.

My relationships up to this point have been about healing each other's pain. When you connect with someone on this level, it is always going to be about pain. My goal, in taking this dating sabbatical, is to learn to love myself so deeply, that I will only attract love into my life, and therefore, I do not NEED anyone to heal me. I will be evolving for the rest of my time here on earth, but I will have an established pattern of healing my own pictures, and so my connections will only be about LOVE. This doesn't mean that I won't have pain, or get lit up sometimes, but it does mean that, when I am lit up on those things, I will have a support system in place, and I will have my own tools ready, so that I can do my own work. 

Connecting with nature is balm for my wounded soul 

Connecting with nature is balm for my wounded soul 

If you are in a place of feeling like someone else has "hurt you," or you find yourself saying things like, "he/she did _____ to me," you have a choice: release the pain and heal yourself, or continue to pass that pain baton around. If you choose the latter, ultimately, you will always end up back here, feeling like the victim. You are NOT a victim. You are NEVER a victim. You are a wounded soul who needs to be reminded of your beauty and light, and reconnect to the love you have inside you. 

Do something nice for yourself today. Finish a project this weekend that you have been putting off. Push through the pain that is the wall of your comfort zone, and watch magic happen! It is time, my warriors, the time is NOW. 

Week Four: Shattering patterns

This past week has been illuminating on many levels. I was able to recognize many patterns that have been destructive for me in the past, and, as with anything like that, shining the light on it, dissolves it in short order. I like to compare it to the sunlight, which acts as a natural bleach, just by shining it's beautiful light. 

The first pattern is an old one, which I have talked about in previous posts. It is the "healing men" pattern, but this week, it was all about me. Most of the time, when you are giving a healing, you are also GETTING a healing back. Many of us are working on that picture of "being nice," or "making others feel good." When we give this energy to others, it, in turn, makes us feel good about ourselves. You may wonder at this point, "So what? Isn't that what it is all about?" Well, yes and no. You see, when you give to others out of love, and do not NEED a healing back, that is beautiful and amazing. No matter what they do, or how they respond, it feels good. However; when you give to others and expect a thank you, or some kind of reply, and they do not give it to you, then you become resentful. This is the kind of giving that destroys you, and others. It is what we also call, "asking for a healing." 

A good example of this happened at work the other day. I have a co-worker, Judy, who is deep in the people pleasing rut, and she is one of the most unhappy and angry people I know. A customer came in, asking for a piece, and we were out. Judy went to the back, and brought one out, and handed it to the woman, saying, "Here, this is mine, and I was saving it for myself, but I will let you have it. " The customer took it, paid for it, and left. As soon as she walked out the door, Judy began her tirade. "I can't BELIEVE she didn't even say thank you! After I gave her MY OWN piece!" This went on all day. I finally said, "Well, I think it was very kind of you to give that to her. I don't think I would have done that. I am sure she will enjoy it." Judy finally calmed down, as I had given her the healing she needed in that situation, which, in turn, healed me, so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain all day. But I am ok with that! Awareness is key. 

Let the sun illuminate your path! 

Let the sun illuminate your path! 

The second pattern I have become aware of, is the cycle of me, having relationships with men, who have potential, but I fail to see where they actually ARE right now. I have known this pattern existed for me, and have worked on it some, but I found a new layer in the past couple of days. Sometimes I have to hit the excruciating pain in order to clear the layer, and I am going to set the intention that I no longer have to do that. BUT.....this time, I did. Jason and I have been talking pretty regularly, and calling it "friendship." It has, at times, been painful for me, but I realize that I am moving a lot of energy and clearing a lot of my own pictures. As I have said MANY times previously, it is NEVER about someone else. I am responsible for my own pain. Setting boundaries, and recognizing when a situation is no longer serving you, coming from a place of loving yourself, is also a healthy and necessary part of this process. 

Recently, I realized that Jason is not in a space to offer me anything, including friendship. He is too deep in his darkness right now. I am moving the energy differently, and at this point,  I just refuse to fall into it with him. I can't really be his "friend" when he is in that space, and he certainly cannot offer me the kind of friendship I want. As long as I am reaching for him, and bending over backwards to be there for him, he will take the healing, and likely never get out of this hole he has dug for himself.  My fear that he will find another woman to heal his pictures may come to fruition, but that is not a reason for me to stay in a situation that is no longer serving me, or him. No matter what he does, I am moving into a space of being happy, and finally starting to manifest the things I want for myself. If he can step up and be that guy, great. But, if he can't, that is also fine. The Universe will bring me what I am asking for. You cannot have a relationship with potential, no matter how great that potential may be. Allow people to be where they are, and release expectations. The things you are meant to have will come to you easily, with love. 

Week Three: Cracks in the shell of Ego

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I am unsure what will flow onto the page today, and that tells me that I am in the middle of a big shift. I have been feeling it for a couple of days, and last night a wave of pain hit me, that was so intense, it took my breath away. Without my usual distractions, there is no shield, and no buffer. It hits me like a tsunami of consciousness, and the only way to survive it is to take a deep breath, and FEEL it. I do not wish to keep this cycle going, and if I have to actually feel everything right now, I want to make it count. This means many tears will be shed, and many walls will be stared at, and my tribe will gather around the fire with me, and we will share. I am beyond grateful for my tribe of beautiful souls, who are all going through a similar version of what I am feeling, and we are all honest with each other about the process. We all have different ways of coping, but the constant truth is that we are committed to whatever process needs to happen, and we are open to hearing it reflected back to us. 

My friend Brighty has been quite sick for the past 3 weeks, and she is miserable on every level. We were talking yesterday, and she kept saying how much she "hates being sick" and how much "this sucks." I encouraged her to turn that around and LOVE it, and instead of getting defensive and looking at me like I'm crazy, she lit up, and hugged me, and said, "Thank you! I knew you would figure it out!" As she left, I called out, "Feel better!" and she replied, "I LOVE IT!!!" And that is the key, is it not? If what you are doing isn't working, why are you continuing to do it? When someone challenges your methods, instead of immediately getting defensive, why not pause and consider it for a moment? Perhaps you could make a shift and try a new tact. 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

Being outdoors is the best kind of therapy 

The dating diet has been largely unsuccessful. What has actually been happening, is that I have been getting asked out MORE than ever. I find it amusing, but also very distracting. I tell myself that having coffee with someone is not a date....yea, right, that's a loophole. You can imagine all the justifications that go through my head at this point. My Ego is really making a hard play for it's survival. Living in a college town, being single, is probably the most difficult scenario I could have chosen for myself. Way to go , self.  

The one thing that I have been noticing is that the Universe is totally supporting me when I am in the flow, and when I am not, I FEEL it. I feel it HARD. I feel into an old pattern last night and immediately got knocked on the head. I am fairly stubborn, as most of my friends will attest to, but I think I am about to get it. With Jason, I was like a dog on a leash, pulling and straining to get him to pay attention to me, to validate me, and he was staying just out of reach. I know it didn't feel good to him for me to constantly seek out his attention. So, my challenge for this next week is to go back and lay in the grass, and enjoy looking at the beautiful clouds in the sky, and welcome anyone who comes and hangs with me. I am done seeking it out. I am DONE with that pattern. My friend Bonnie taught me that analogy, and it is a good one. When you have to reach for someone, time and time again, and they never have a chance to miss you, or reach out for you, it sets you up for a severe case of codependency. You become the pursuer, and they are forever the pursued. I don't know about you, but I do not wish to continue that particular pattern. I need a balance, and that will require me to face some more of my inner fears. 

Have a beautiful Saturday, everyone! I am off to enjoy the day!